A Full Life

I'm am writing from the confines of the 3rd floor at St. Luke's hospital. Harlen spiked a fever on Thursday and this is where we ended up. He went for his fourth intravenous chemotherapy and had a fever of a 102.9. They sent us to the Emergency room then he was transported to Boise. It was really hard on him for 2 days. His hemoglobin was down to 6.7 when we arrived in Fruitland, after one transfusion it didn't budge at all. He had another transfusion tonight hopefully it works and he can get a little bit of energy to manage harvest. Tonight he is finally resting and feeling better. Leukemia really sucks. He is so strong. I love him more than ever.

In the meantime, Lea won Sophomore Homecoming Princess. Thank God the coronation and Parade was on Wednesday this year. We were lucky enough to enjoy with her celebrating her crowning. She was so cute.  Here are two videos and a very cute photo. Tonight Cyrus filled in for Harlen to walk Lea out on the football field. It was so sweet. Susan Schulthies and Teniele helped us facetime the event so we could watch it from the hospital room. I can't wait for the video.

https://www.facebook.com/harlenkendalee.garner/videos/2737556759590802/?t=6



https://www.facebook.com/harlenkendalee.garner/videos/2738101159536362/?t=2

Thursday was also Loughlin's 26th birthday. We haven't been able to celebrate yet, but hopefully soon. Life seems to have a way of getting in the front of traditions sometimes. Happy Birthday Loughlin. We love you so much and miss you everyday. Life will never be the same without you.

His Fight My Light

This is not a fight we chose, but it is a fight we are in. Harlen's labs were bad on Friday again. We spent Saturday getting two transfusions at St. Luke's. Today he feels stronger and he is ready to go on. Tomorrow morning we start real chemo. I pray that it will slow down this disease that has invaded his body, but certainly not his soul.

We had a week of spectacular events. We returned to the temple on Thursday for the first time in eleven years together. The peace that Elder McCune blessed our family with is holing us up. I feel my Savior again. I am not going to say this is an easy feat, because every moment the darkness wants to creep in, wants to make me feel unworthy, unloved, defeated, but I am trying to stay in the light. I try to remember the words spoken to me; God loves me. He wants the best for me. I am not being punished. Things just happen. So many other important words that hold me up when I want to get down. I have a family that loves me and I need to be strong for Harlen. He needs me. I need to get busy and get this house clean. I need to repaint the bathroom because it has mold and Harlen cannot be around it. In the last 11 years I have not done much, just what was needed. I pray for the strength to get past myself and get it done.

Am I Ready?

I feel pressured to take giant steps in my renewed belief in God. I like to live life in the slow lane, but I feel a constant question from the other side to rethink what happened last Sunday. Today the bishop asked me if I wanted a temple recommend. What? I have only taken the sacrament twice in 11 years and today is one of them. Why not? I am not doing anything against the standards of the church. I am a cloned Mother Theresa. I jest, but really the standards are not my problem. My problem is with God and the life I have been given. I feel like a cry baby sometimes, but it has been rough and there is not much sunshine for future days. In fact we are in a fight for our lives again. Harlen is looking at a year before he will be back to his norm. The transplant is being set up for about 2 months from now with all of the testing between him and the donor. Then it is 5 weeks in the hospital followed by 100 days living within a 30 minute drive to the hospital. We still have Giles and Lea at home. Our plan is to have Maya move home to take care of them while Harlen is in recovery. Giles is a senior. This is going to be interesting trying to juggle every event. But first things first Harvest is here and how will we do it all? One day at a  time and now I will be doing it in garments. Wow things change fast. I have felt naked lately. I guess it is time.

Rhiannon's birth dad was killed in an airplane crash on Wednesday. Kenneth was just 50 with 4 children and a loving wife that need him. How is this part of a plan?

After my recommend interview I was engulfed in ugliness. I was angry and shaking and scared wondering if I had done the right thing. It passed with Harlen by my side. There is peace in our home again. Peace in my heart. I am hopeful Harlen will make it through this. the odds mean nothing.

My day with a Seventy

Readers of this blog know the pain and bitterness I have had since Loughlin died, hell since Rhiannon died, since I was raped, since I was molested. I felt I was unworthy to be in the presence of others. I felt unloved. I felt like I was being punished for my horrible sins. Then when Harlen was diagnosed I wondered why it wasn't me or was that just another trial for this family.

But on Sunday a member of the Seventy came to visit our family. Everyone came to church. Cyrus, McKayla, True, Katlyn, Maya, Juve, Giles and Lea. Elder McCune came to talk to our family. He asked first if anyone had any questions. Harlen about bruised my ribs trying to get me to talk. I asked my prodding question that lingers in my mind for years. If there was a loving Heavenly Father that actually cared about us here on Earth, whether I was being punished for my bad choices, I was really asking if God knew me. He spent 35 minutes of his hour with us addressing my question. the spirit was divine in that room and I felt like the Savior was there. He told me God loves me, that I have a huge heart and that it is Satan putting the doubts in my mind and my heart, blaming me for my children's death, beating myself up, making me feel unworthy of being loved. Satan is still working on me as I write down my experience. I have been so low that I thought I would never feel the warmth of the Son again. I hated myself for so many years. He told me none of this was true and Christ's atonement made it possible for me to feel his love again. I felt a peace that was lacking for most of my life.

He then gave Harlen a blessing promising that he would see his grandbabies, plural. We have a different spirit in our home now. It is peaceful. It is hopeful. There is unconditional love for we all know #FamilyIsEverything .

Chronic Myelomonocytic Leukemia (CMML)

That was the diagnoses given to Harlen just weeks ago. This is going to be a fight, but we are ready for it. We have lived through so much together we can do this too. I am sad and angry and sad, but determined.