Nightmares

I made it 4 nights after the trial before the Nightmares hit again. I have a version of what happened that day. I have my version of where everyone was after the accident. There were 2 sheriffs and an EMT that each had their version of how things were that testified. Maya never woke up in my version. She did in the sheriff's version. So then NeuroPsychologists argue the effects of Maya knowing or not knowing that her brother was laying next to her, dead. Does she remember? Has she stuffed these memories deep in her psyche? There was no argument on her Traumatic Brain Injury and learning disabilities.

But what this has done to me is opened up that huge gaping wound that I have spent years stitching closed. The testimony about how this was the worst accident that the EMT had come across or that one of the sheriffs had quit because of the trauma of the job. The picture makes you wonder how any of us lived.

You see I can't quit. I am in this for the long haul. I am in this for better and for the worse. I am here watching kids make poor choices because they don't know what PTSD is and they wouldn't get help if they did, only the weak admit to needing help. I am weak. I am once again in an abyss. I lived through the worst holiday this last weekend, Easter. I hate it. It is like that carrot being strung out in front of the horse to get it it to move, but this horse is dead and buried. The promise I am asked to listen to is hurtful to one with no hope.

Some Things are Better Left Unsaid .

For the last 3 days Harlen, Maya and I have been in court for 9 hours. Well Maya came and went as they needed her. We didn't want her sitting through all of the testimony. Yesterday the ruling came down from the jury. It was very good news for Maya. She will get her needs met for school and beyond. We are finally done with everything legal related to the accident. You would think I would be elated, jumping for joy, but I find myself barely climbing out of bed. I am down, so down. I believe in some sick way that through this pain I was holding on to a memory of Loughlin. I was holding on to the last time I was with him, that I could touch his skin, feel his hair, tell him I loved him. I know sick. Why would I want that excruciating pain? Pain is better than the void. Pain is better than nothingness. Pain is better than the abyss that is coming my way.

The other reason for the pain? I spent 3 days having specialists and Dr's tell me that because of that day, 7 1/2 years ago, October 27, 2008, Just driving to school, my mistake, my fault, my culpability, my beautiful baby girl will not ever be what I have promised her she always could be. 

I heard evidence piled upon evidence that Maya will not be able to make it through college, she will not probably be able to get the job she has always wanted, a teacher. I knew she struggled. I helped her, her teachers helped her, but on her own she will not be able to do it. I knew these things, but it took a Dr. and a lawyer to explain to me that her dreams are just dreams. I am heartbroken for her. I have instilled in her a love for higher learning and how important it will be in her life. She wanted to be a Math teacher. Even if she graduates from college, will she make it through a job with her learning disabilities because of the Traumatic Brain Injury. They said no. My guilt grows and grows. I will continue to help her. She is a beautiful smart girl with so much life. She testified yesterday. I saw it all. I saw what they were testifying about for 3 days. How could I have been so blind. Maya, I am so sorry. Ignorance is certainly on the side of bliss, but our life has not been blissful for a long time.

2 Down 1 to Go

Two weeks ago we settled Giles' case out of court with an arbitrator. In Oregon law there is a top to an award with an arbitrator. We were not asking for that much, but the arbitrator watched Giles struggle so much through his testimony that he awarded Giles the max. It was a relief not to have to go through anymore of this with Giles. I think it woke the insurance company up a bit.

Friday we had a mediation with the judge on True's case. It took about 4 hrs but we ended up with a reasonable amount that will take care of True's upcoming bills for his teeth and some for further counseling in his life. I was grateful to have it over. True was also. It feels like some of the weight is off my shoulders.

Monday is Maya's trial, yes trial. The insurance company is showing their teeth and they are pointed and jagged and thirsty for blood. They have no intentions of settling with us. They believe they are standing on principles. I believe they are standing on the heartache and disabilities of my daughter. I am firm at this point. After the hell they have put us through for 7+ years I will die before I let them win, even if I have to take 2 valiums a day to get through. She is worth it. She is worth my world. I would give it all up just for her to have a fighting chance. They owe her that. Exactly what is insurance for?

I am having a Panic Attack / Anxiety Attack

Before I left to take Maya, I passed the heifers calving in the field. I saw one that had her uterus a bit out so I went to investigate. As I was driving down the dirt road I saw a red heifer flat ot moving and her calf almost out not moving either. I lost it. I couldn't get anyone on the phone. Harlen finally answered and by that time I was frantic. Instead of helping me calm down he yelled at me for getting excited about the heifer. He told me no cow is worth that. Well I hate to see anything dead. I don't care what it is. It shook me up horribly. I jumped out of the van and ran down the hill. She moved and jumped up, the calf started to breath. Everything turned out ok. Then I tried to calm down.

Yesterday I took Maya's friends out on a date as their chaperon. I really do love Maya's friends. She has been blessed in life with an abundance of different friends that have mostly loved and supported her through the years. They had so much fun.

On the way home I started having a panic attack. My plates are expired. I found out a couple of days before but have not had time to renew them. I am deathly afraid of police, not police themselves but the sirens and the lights and the authority that comes along with them. My dad taught me at an early age to question authority and I have. It is part of my personality and is ingrained in my mind. I hate the sirens and lights because it is an intricate part of my PTSD for the last 7 years. I couldn't sleep last night. I got up so many times. I was so thirsty, nothing would come close to quenching it. So the lack of sleep just feeds the panic.

I am exhausted to feel this intent flight or fight feeling for such a long period of time without reprieve. I have been sleeping on and off throughout the day. My chest is heavy. I am dizzy. I am nauseated. My head is spinning.I wish I knew a way to ease this feeling. I wish I could be whole again. It seems and over the top dirty trick to lose to children in this horrible existence but then have this disease attached to you. I want to feel normal again, but I can't remember what normal is.