Another thought.............

I can’t breathe any air.

Have I ever been so scared?

Sure I have faced so many trials.

Walked alone for countless miles.

Felt loss of ones that are close.

Abuse, I felt more than a dose.

I never thought that this would be me.

A large mass the doctor would see.

How can I think about leaving?

God is not worth believing.

My kids need me, at least that’s what I thought.

No hope is the reflective state I have caught.

I don’t have a great record of luck.

In fact you could say it really quite sucks.

So how do I stay on a positive track?

When any kind of expectation I lack.

And the cards in the deck feel stacked,

Against the crux of my back,

The amount of luggage I pack,

Would make others slack.

I am nauseated and sick.

My feelings seem jumbled and thick.

Tomorrow is the day I will know.

I hear the whisper as the wind blows.

Maya's last stand

Last week Maya's Neuropsychologist decided because of the chance of Maya furthering her head injury, she could no longer play sports. She had been hit in the head with the ball and experienced dizziness, nausea, headache and blurred vision.

She is half way through her volleyball season and doing so well. She made the JV team as a Sophomore.

















Her serve was unstoppable. So last night she played her last game. After she was crying, the team was crying, I was crying and even Harlen had tears in his eyes. She can still travel with them but how hard?

My heart is aching. For a mom who wants to protect her kids from everything, I sure am doing a completely abhorrent job.

Loughlin's Birthday

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ci5D5r6ZjXA

Green Day, "Wake me up when September Ends"

Loughlin's favorite group when he passed away

I am feeling like I have a hangover this morning. And wishing that it was a real one, at least I would have had some reprieve from the anguish I am feeling this week. I have been sleeping like hell lately, again. I have a hard time going to sleep and when I wake up in the night I can't go back to sleep because the guilt and grief hit me like a ton of hay. It's that time of year again. It will last 2 months then I will go back to, the life moves on even without you stage. 

Loughlin would be 22 yrs old today. I could put up some pictures of him but I have used most of what I have. It would just feel like a re-run. I hate re-runs. It's depressing to run out of pictures of your son, although I ran out of pictures of Rhiannon after 3 pictures. I did get some pictures from Loughlin's 7th & 8th grade math teacher. It was very kind of him to go back through his pictures to find them. I could use one of them. What a birthday present. (sarcasm) I am down, lower than low. I hope I recover faster than in the past. Cyrus left for the U of O yesterday and it just feels like purgatory here. I need to get my house painted before it turns cold but I barely have enough energy to wash clothes. My dishes are piled up and the house is a mess. I am a mess, but I make it to pick up the kids everyday at school, volleyball games, and True's senior year of football. My priorities are still in the right place. 

I guess I should wish Lough a Happy Birthday, but he isn't here and I don't pretend well.