I am in a funk. I spend time that I don't have the liberty to waste thinking about what is and what could have or should have been. I watch my kids grow, change, evolve, move, and I feel robbed, raped, tortured. I am sure most parents watch with glee the accomplishments of their children, not me. I am happy for them but it is always tinged with a guilt and emptiness because I missed so much in Loughlin's and Rhiannon's life. I went to Math night with Giles and on the wall was the teacher's previous classes pictures. There was Loughlin in 2006-7 year and 2007-8 year. He was so happy, having such a great time, like he was most of his life. It cut a slice out of my soul and left it in my gut to digest, but that wasn't enough there was Cyrus too, so happy, joking, being the class clown. I lost that son on October 27,2008 also. He will never be that carefree kid again. He is here and I love him so much but he is ME. He is serious and cynical. He trusts nothing. His innocence was stolen from him. His heart was pillaged. His childhood perished in a crushed jumble of metal. Then he was judged, torn apart and thrown in a heep of yesterdays.
The seasons are changing again. Fall means harvest and hunting. Leaves are changing colors and it seems my mood changes with it from green to yellow to blood red. School started. True is a Senior, Maya a Sophomore, Giles is in the last grade Loughlin finished, 8th and my baby Lea started 6th grade. The triggers are going off like an AK-47.
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