Fall is on the Rise

I am in a funk. I spend time that I don't have the liberty to waste thinking about what is and what could have or should have been. I watch my kids grow, change, evolve, move, and I feel robbed, raped, tortured. I am sure most parents watch with glee the accomplishments of their children, not me. I am happy for them but it is always tinged with a guilt and emptiness because I missed so much in Loughlin's and Rhiannon's life. I went to Math night with Giles and on the wall was the teacher's previous classes pictures. There was Loughlin in 2006-7 year and 2007-8 year. He was so happy, having such a great time, like he was most of his life. It cut a slice out of my soul and left it in my gut to digest, but that wasn't enough there was Cyrus too, so happy, joking, being the class clown. I lost that son on October 27,2008 also. He will never be that carefree kid again. He is here and I love him so much but he is ME. He is serious and cynical. He trusts nothing. His innocence was stolen from him. His heart was pillaged. His childhood perished in a crushed jumble of metal. Then he was judged, torn apart and thrown in a heep of yesterdays.

The seasons are changing again. Fall means harvest and hunting. Leaves are changing colors and it seems my mood changes with it from green to yellow to blood red. School started. True is a Senior, Maya a Sophomore, Giles is in the last grade Loughlin finished, 8th and my baby Lea started 6th grade. The triggers are going off like an AK-47.

Oh I miss him

3 blogs in one day but I just want to say I MISS YOU LOUGHLIN

One Person's Miracle is another's miserable truth.

I feel guilty. I hate feeling guilty. I believe guilt is a tool of religion to keep people in line with how other's believe they should live. Yet I am feeling it because of my own feelings. Are these feelings selfish? I guess other's would be shocked to hear my feelings. They would die to feel my feelings. Feelings are feelings. I don't believe I have much control over my feelings. Sure someone else was in a terrible accident near my home. I drove by it with my girl. The car was mangled. The son was life-flighted to Boise. He is hurt but he is going to make it. Seems fair? Seems right? If you could feel the rock in the pit of my stomach. The nausea rising up in my throat. I should just puke. My legs like jello, wobbly. My head is swimming in a cesspool of mumbled squalor. Nothing is explainable, in fact this life is nonsensical. God am I that bad? God, what God? Rhiannon she didn't make it. Dead. Cold. Gone. That wasn't quite enough though. My son next. That was a car accident too right? But oh that God of yours he must LOVE me so very much. Hate. Dead. Cold. Gone. Should I be angry that Loughlin was taken and not him? No probably not, but I am. I am pissed.I know it sounds like I wish he had died but if you believe that you haven't ever listened. I don't want him dead. I want my kids ALIVE. It's not one or the other? or is it?
 I could use something to numb this existence. My mind grows weary. My heart has lost far too much blood to keep up with the beating. My soul is tattered like that of the beggars shoes. My hands shake for I know not what to do with them. My eyes blurred from the tears. My ears have deafened for I tire of your lies. Let me be. Let me cry. Let me feel sorry for myself. I think I can do that once in a while. I don't deserve but I don't give a shit.

Mumford & Sons

Mumford & Sons Walla Walla Washington August 2015

This last Friday Cyrus , McKayla and I got to travel to Walla Walla Washington to listen to my favorite new group perform in an open field. There were around 25,000 people there. We were packed into this venue like sardines. I don't do crowds well. I don't like strangers touching, talking to me. I was miserable for about an hour waiting for the group to set up but then Mark Munford started playing, then the band followed. I felt chills run down my spine. I was completely mesmerized. I felt like a teenage girl listening to John Lennon for the first time, except I wasn't screaming like a banshee and tearing my hair out. His voice touched my soul. I did tear up. This music, this music that was being played right in front of me had got me through so many dark days, so many sleepless nights, so many "I can't make it another minute without my son"  . I felt silly but I couldn't hold back my emotions. I wanted to really thank him for writing such heartfelt songs. I wanted to thank him for playing a part in getting me through my life. It was the best 3 1/2 hours I have spent in years. WOW I wish everyone could have heard them. I am going to add some of their songs to my playlist on the blog for you to enjoy.

Random Act of Kindness

Fair was this week for our family. It is a long week. Usually nothing spectacular happens but this year True won Grand Champion 4-H Steer and Reserve Champion overall.

Another incredible thing happened, The steer sale was a little slow and Lea's steer was up for sale. No one was bidding on it and I was in a jam (I hadn't got enough sponsors to cover all 4 of our kids' steers) I felt horrible. My baby girl was out there in front of the world with only one bid. A man that I have had hard feelings about for a while stepped up and bought Lea's steer. Every time I think about it, it brings tears to my eyes. It was certainly a very large random act of kindness. I am very touched.

Thank you!