Prince, 5 seconds, Anger and Good Will Hunting

This is our Bull Calf, Prince

Prince was a twin out of one of our best mama cows. The mom decided she just wanted to raise the the heifer twin and kicked Prince off. He never received the much need colostrum and when a calf goes with out the first feeding from his mom his life is always a struggle. For 2 days we worked to keep him alive. We tubed him and massaged him. We moved him to the outside office and heated the room, Harlen finally even IV'd him. Lea and me sat with him for hours. We even sang to him. We tried so hard to keep him alive. His brother was one of my favorite bulls in the sale this year. This afternoon he started to look better. He even tried to get up, but by the time I got home from EMDR he had died. My heart aches so much every time we lose a calf. 

I had an EMDR appointment today. I usually don't drive myself, but Harlen was dropping his pick-up off at Edmark to fix the seat. So I drove. A Canyon County Sheriff followed me from Parma to the highway. I was on high alert. I hate cop cars. When I entered the freeway an Idaho State Policeman was behind me, more nerves, more panic. I put on my blinker to change lanes and he puts his lights on behind me. I have to pull over while cars are passing me at 65 mph, lights on, nauseated. He tells me I didn't put my blinker on for a full 5 seconds before I switched lanes? He said I did for about 3 seconds.What 5 seconds, you only have to ride a bull for 8 to score a 91. You can cook a Krispe Kreme in 5 seconds. 5 seconds with a blinker on is an eternity. He also indicated my license plate was not showing "Oregon". I have been driving the same van with the same license plate for 7 years. Then the seatbelt. He brought me back a ticket for a seatbelt. I had taken it off to talk to him. WTH I call BS. I am really starting to hate cops. My tongue is bleeding from biting it. Anyway the law actually states 5 seconds or a hundred feet. If you are driving 65 mph. I know I was past a hundred feet. So they can't catch a killer in Notus but they can waste their time pulling panicked drivers over for no reason. 

After getting Harlen we head to my session. I am so stressed. Lately I have been feeling so anger. I have mostly ept it contained but I don't know if that is the right way to handle it. EMDR kept me in the funeral for Loughlin and all the anger I felt, to God, to family, to the nonsense people muttered. It all comes out. I remember so much. I think this will take away most my anger.I hope it will help me forgive an forget. 

I came home and just wanted to veg. I started watching "Good Will Hunting". I loved this movie but I hadn't watched it in 20+ years. The language was atrocious, but so is mine lately. This picture, do you remember this picture? I started to cry. This is me. I am on the high seas. The waves engulf me. There is nowhere to go. I have to stay here and try not to drown or be ravaged by the sharks that surround me, for they are everywhere, and if they smell blood in the water I am finished. The skies are dark, and the wind is harsh. I am exhausted. I am alone in my fight to survive. I have been fighting for so long. God has long forsaken me. It would be easiest to let the oars go, lay back and fall into an eternal sleep but my kids need me more than ever. So I shall tarry on. <3 p="">

EMDR and me

Yesterday I spent another hour reliving the accident and all the feelings that surround it. I always start in the same place, Loughlin lying lifeless on the bench of the suburban, cold, so cold. I am half out of my mind, more than half. Yelling at the top of my voice that I have killed my son. I have a hard time leaving that scene in my memory. I am laying next to him. I am trying to stay with him but I am being pulled away, forced to leave him, being told that everything will be alright, but I know more than any of the bystanders. I know that it will never be ok again. I had already given one of my babies to them. They take them. They cut them open. They try to  sew them up and make them look alive again, but they are cold, so cold. My babies are gone and they will never come back. In my memory I am yelling, "Don't lie to me. It is not ok. It will never be fine. I will never be fine. Rhiannon is gone, cold, dead , in the ground, and now Loughlin is leaving and his fate is the same. He will be gone forever." I hate all of them. I hate everyone. I hate God. I really hate God. This is a cruel existence. What is the point of all of it? Am I getting better? Is this anger, again part of the process? I have been angry for so long. I am going to end up a bitter old woman. I am bitter? My heart is broken. It breaks constantly every moment. Maybe surviving is all I can muster.

Life or what is left of it.........

I figure I am half way through life, which is somewhat unfortunate, not because I have so much I still want to do, or that my life so far has been so wonderful that I am sorry time is getting shorter. It really has to do with the level exhaustion that I feel every day. It doesn't matter how much sleep I get or don't get, if I am sick for 5 weeks or at the height of health, I am fatigued. I breath in. I breath in. I somewhat breath out. I breath in again. I watch the world go by. I feel it spin, could be my head, yes it is my head, but it makes me feel less crazy to believe I can feel the world spin. Now that is crazy.......................................................................................................................................................

Speaking of crazy, I went to church for the first time in 6 weeks. Either I am further removed or the parishioners are somewhat more hypocritical, insane, self-righteous, gullible, vain...that was a word used often on Sunday. Vain, coming from the parking lot that resembles Edmark Chevrolet. My 1993 Cadillac is running again. I think I will clean it up and start driving it. I wonder how many bodies I can fit in the trunk? I love the looks I get, kind of like the looks I got when my dad took me to school in his '54 Cattle truck, or maybe the looks I got in Springville in 1988 when I would actually go out in my condition, add the Budweiser high tops I bought off the clearance rack at Mervyns, and the feces colored Subaru hatchback, singing Madonna's "Material Girl". 

Can you see I'm crazy............

The picture: I liked it, plus how can you go wrong with Johnny Depp.