Mama said there'd be days like these

Funny how some days nothing goes right. Today is that day. Nothing huge but so much that I am heading to bed early. Just more evidence you can't save your kids from what they must face alone. You can't fight their battles all of the time. You can't protect them from all wrongs or convince those around them that this is an incredible child that stands before them.  When your babies look at you with those eyes that say make this better mom and you can't. You just can't! I am praying tonight, not for things to go the way I want but for my kids to be strong enough to withstand..I have learned that things hardly ever go your way, not in this family. We are built to be strong and the tests come early!

Some days you can't even convince your builder that he is wrong and you are not spending the next 50 years hating those windows because he won't take the time to figure out how he can make them fit. So he builds them his way and you cry and cry. Then you get mad and call your protector who comes home and says tear them down and do them the way my wife wants. Love that guy!!!

Venting

I think I have explained before that this blog is my way of getting my thoughts out of my head, on the screen and for the most part it aids me in having those angry or jealous feelings or questions that linger in my brain worked out, answered and healed. I am sorry if sometimes I seem harsh. I don't mean to be.

 I have always been one to call a duck a duck even when it's me, quack, quack. I know when my thoughts are not healthy. On the upside I have to say that once they are on the screen they are usually gone from my heart. So if I have hurt anyone out there in bloggerspace, I am sorry but this blog is a selfish setup for me to heal. I am a long way in this journey but I know I have a long way to travel. My life is kind of like the road I travel every day in fact 4 or 5 times a day, where I drive by the place where I hit the truck and our life of hell began to 3 miles down the road where I pass Loughlin's headstone. Like that road there are reminders everyday, many times a day of what is missing in my life.
 Like today as I stopped at the grave and wondered what I could put on it it so it didn't look shabby (like it does because the decorations are faded) but as I left the grave I felt sorry for myself again. 

Notice his nametag!

I thought that I should be buying missionary clothes for Lough not decorations. I can hear the negative whispers in my head saying it has been 4 years. It is reality. Get over it. The whispers make me angry and sad. My reality makes me angry and sad. There he is 7 ft under, so close but I can never talk to him or hold him again. How will I ever make it through? I miss and love you so very much Lough.






And to that one gal, who I believe is mad at me. I love you. You have always been there for me and even through this I know you  would do anything for me. So if I made you angry I am truly sorry.

I am just tired

I am just really tired. Tired of hurting and missing. Tired of forcing myself to church and activities. Tired of the weight in my chest and my heart. Tired of wondering what if, or asking why. I just thought the other day when is this going to get better, feel different?
After leaving a fireside last night at the Stake Center about the open house at the temple here in Boise, my mind was moving at Ferrari speeds. You know the last time I went to the temple it was scary. It was a completely horrifying experience where I could not get any breath and the darkness was all around. I had to be helped through the session. I felt like dying. The memories came back in vivid detail last night and then the talk of eternal families put my heart on alert. Forever families is a cute little phrase for most people, for me it is the final kicker, but for the most point I really don't understand it. I tend to over think most things in life and I know I completely over think this. First are we suppose to believe that if their are forever families, are the LDS the only ones that will enjoy this? Second if we are with our family and our kids are with their families and so on and so forth, really you will just be with your husbands, the kids will have no bearing. I don't understand the what's so great of it all.
Aanother question that came up in my mind last night is who has the Holy Ghost. Are Mormons the only ones with the Holy Ghost? I have never believed that but was being led that way in the talk. I know we are the only ones with the gift of the Holy Ghost as a constant companion but others have it right????

These are thoughts for about 15 min in my mind and it swirls and swirls with no answers, so today I have one of those headaches that covers the entire skull, pressure, like I am at some point going to explode.

Dressed to KILL

"Judge not", "Don't judge a book by it's cover","It's not what's on the outside that matters but what is on the inside"!"When we judge others we leave no room to love them."Mother Teresa. "Judge not on appearance"




I was unpleasantly surprised last night when I had to keep telling my daughter that outside appearances do not count as she was listening to someone tell her her over and over that it does. There are things in life so much more important than being dressed to kill day in and day out. I remember a talk once given in General Conference about an apostle riding home on the subway one day and a father and his unruly unkempt children rode next to him. People were talking about them being so bad. The father then said forgive my children for we just came from the hospital where their mom had just passed away. I think judging people by their outside appearance is so very dangerous. That women in sweats at Walmart might have just ran to pick up a prescription for their child who has been sick for weeks. She might have had no sleep. She might not have money to buy clothes any better than that. She might have dragged herself out of bed to buy groceries for her family even though every inch of her begged her not to go. I have been there and if I cared what you thought I would be angry for myself but I am just angry that you put such nonsense in young minds.How do you know who these women are?What they have been through? How much it takes to keep them going in this life? Seems such a petty thing to judge someone on. High yellow heels just don't work for some. So Maya remember it is always what is on the inside that matters!!! Love you so much

I Assure you, nothing has been easy about this journey.

I have heard so many comments through the last 4 years of my life. Some of those comments I can just let roll off my back. I am sure some days I have a slicker back than others, some days my skin has transformed into some sort of Velcro and even the smallest slight my way holds my anger and angst for some time. I don't really know where this comment has landed. I would say if I came from the south that it has stuck in my craw.
I will explain a bit of where I am at in this life. I attend church most Sundays. The only time I miss is when we are traveling or I am sick or kids are sick. I go for the purpose of finding some sort of faith in this life. I go searching for answers but for the most part I come away disappointed. I am not as good at hearing the message and leaving the people behind as I use to be. I am honest and will tell you it is because I feel sorry for myself. I feel like I got the shit in this life and then I have people in the church standing around watching, judging, believing they would have handled my life better than me. Maybe they would have but they were never given this opportunity to show their strengths. (STRONG SARCASM ADDED)

Yesterday in church I listened as a young mother spouted how losing your faith is the easy way in this life. How trials are given to everyone. I will assure you losing your faith is not easy. Thinking that your two children are lying lifeless in a cold grave because of you inadequacies is surely not easy. This gal has hurt others I love very much with her snide and judgmental comments. I have known her for some 15 years. If she has had trials I have missed them. Life has paved a golden brick road for her. Sometimes I wish I had the power to make them feel the pain of losing 1 or even 2 children, or having a child who is challenged or maybe 2 that are challenged, having a child in the fight of their life for more than a year. I don't want them to actually have it happen for I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy but they should just have to feel it for a day. If I hear one more time in church that everyone is given their share of trials I will perhaps blow cookies all around. Anyone with eyes knows this is not true. Unless of course some have their share which is more than most could handle and others have their share in which a 4 year old could walk through with a lollipop in their mouth. I am getting stronger and I soon will correct every ill witted response from such craziness. I am so tired of the asinine in the church. So do you who's name will not be mentioned, did you have the same trials as Joseph Smith????? Of course not but you go on living in your world of pink clouds and purple waterfalls. And then why are these the women put in leadership positions?

First day of school and I still couldn't make myself take a picture. I know I am not being good to my other kids but I just can't do it still. How can it be called a family picture when not all of the family is here??? The house is so very quiet and I miss everyone of them.

My Heavy Heart

I come here today with such a heavy heart. One of my good friends has had an accident on a horse and is fighting for her life. When we changed schools I didn't get to see her as often and I always missed her smiles and her confidence building statements like, "Who gives a crap what they think?" I always felt like she was on my side. She never once judged me and I never took the time to tell her THANKS. When Harlen and I were struggling after losing Loughlin, she would always say, "Anytime you are ready, Mark and I want to go out to dinner." She was always filled with kindness in her heart. She is a kindred spirit. There are few who tell you the truth no matter what. She was like that. True is good friends with her son and just yesterday he decided to go back to Nyssa, not because of this but because it is time.

Thursday when I took Cyrus in to sign up for school in Nyssa they gave me a copy of the 2012 yearbook. The young people in that class just keep amazing me and amazing me. They took the first two pages of the yearbook and plastered them with pictures of Loughlin, two pages. They also dedicated the book to him. I love his graduating class, incredible souls. One of his friends even mentioned him in her Appreciations. I should of stopped reading there but I read on and on and on. I found myself green with envy at all the things they had done and we had missed. Oh I miss him so much. His possibilities were endless.

They wrote this in the yearbook......
"Throughout the years we have saved many cherished memories of you in these hallways and class rooms. Now the time has come where we must leave behind high school, receive our diplomas, and go our separate ways. Although there is one thing that will never change, Loughlin you will always be with us in our hearts."

Once again Thanks Class of 2012

Long , productive week

Last fair together

Last week was our county fair. We show steers each year and it seems so drawn out and hard to get through since Lough left us. This year my older boys stepped up. They were incredible. They did everything they were asked without complaining once, well maybe once for a short second. They helped Maya and Giles. They taught them what they needed to do to show their animals. In fact so much so, Maya and Giles won reserve Grand Champion Junior and Novice showman respectively. Maya had hated showing steers until that moment and Cyrus was a huge part of this new found love. We sold the animals yesterday and the kids made good money for their college years. Cyrus is going to need it. He has decided on the  "U" and out of state tuition is atrocious for the first year until he has residency.



 I am exhausted. Everyone is exhausted. The problem is when I am exhausted I dream and remember those dreams. Early this morning I dreamed of Lough. I dreamed he had been kidnapped instead of killed. I dreamed we found him. He was younger but he was back. He was crying to be in my arms and I was holding him so tight, never wanting to let him go. All the happiness I had felt last week was diminished in a moment. Can I stay in bed all day and hope the dream comes back? Can I hope for just a few more moments of holding him, his smile, his laugh, his wanting to stay with his mom. He would have showed for the last time this year. His memory seemed to lurk in every corner of the fair. One of his good friends was there with steers this year. When I saw him it made me long for Loughlin. I know in my heart he would have grown to be a great man. He always was a great young man. Oh how I miss him this morning, every morning.