Breathing is Optional

I am sure there are so many around me that believe if I only tried I could be handling this stronger, better. But I have tried so hard and I haven't much strength left. In fact making it to the car to take my kids where they need to go is all I can get done. I am spent. My heart is aching so much. I can't get the sadness out. I am watching my loved ones struggle everyday because of the accident. I can't do it anymore. It is tearing me apart. I love them so much. How could this be happening to our family? Isn't it enough? I can't make it better. It needs to be better. He will soon be 18, but not really because he is no longer here. Oh I miss you Lough.

1st Day of School

WOW. I don't know where to start. We just got home from our first family vacation in 2 years and it was really pleasant. It wasn't perfect. It was crowded(I mean really crowded) in a place I never thought would be crowded. I guess we picked a bad weekend to go but it was the only weekend we could go. Then the next day we started school. The 1st day of school. I have to say it was one of the worst days I have had since losing Loughlin. He would be a senior this year and there is so many things that go along with him being a senior; graduating, college, mission and everything I have dreamed for him my whole life. The pain was excruciating and all I wanted to do was find relief, but there is no relief from this. I remember after losing Rhiannon that I would watch other little girls grow up and there was always this dull numbing pain almost like a sick nauseated stomach. It never has gone away, even after having my other children just a dull aching pain. With Lough this pain is intense, screaming. I am physically sick. I drive down the road and yell out my angst. I am angry ohhhhhh I am angry. Don't you know this isn't fair? Don't you know there could not be a loving God and allow this kind of non-ending pain? I did this!!!! I am the reason my son cries and is unsure of himself when he use to be so confident. The guilt, the shame, the grief and sorrow, you can't know how this feels, that it will never go away. Yes, people lie to you and say it gets better but it doesn't. I think they say that to make themselves feel better, not because they are concerned about you. Then the Believers around me Congratulate themselves when good things happen in their lives, they are blessed. God is Great! What? I don't understand that thinking. Is God looking out for them but not me? How can it work like this. Are they really more chosen, more loved? And I am left in a life full of misery without my children. Please someone explain this to me. I can make no sense of it anymore.

Remind Me to Move that Truck

Yesterday night on the way home from town, Harlen remembered he needed to move a truck out of the field. He said, "Remind me to move that truck". The same words he uttered almost 3 years ago, but I didn't remind him, because it was Sunday and I wanted him home with us. So stupid to be so selfish over a few minutes and now I have a lifetime without my son to bless my life. I hate feeling so responsible for his death but no matter how you spin it, I did it. I have tried so hard to see it another way, that it was an accident and there was nothing I could do about it, but that is not true. I could have prevented it in so many ways, and yet I made so many mistakes that day and even the day before. I miss you so much Loughlin. Football camp today. Cy and True are gone. It is so quiet without my boys here, especially my oldest. What I wouldn't give away for just one more look, hug, day with you here.

Fair isn't Fair

Our family spent the last week at Fair as we have since Loughlin was in the 5th grade. For the most part it is an exhausting event. We wake up at 6:00 am and return back home at about 11 pm. The kids wash, feed and show their steers. It was a great year on performance. Cyrus won Reserve Grand Champion in FFA with his steer. True and Maya both recieved second place in there class. It is the best we have done in years, but yes here comes the BUT......This year Loughlin would be a senior. Many of his friends attended fair. The Nyssa senior class was in charge of trash everyday. We got to see so many of his classmates and it hurt. It hurt to see them so grown up and moving on. It hurt to see them with their girlfriends having fun. It hurt so much. He will forever be 15 years old. The world still revolves. The seasons change but he will always remain the same. My heart is aching so much this morning.