Depression

Depression is a funny thing. It sweeps in for small reasons and decides on it's own how long to stay.

Today was the 1st time in a long time I just wanted to die. I have been alone way too much lately, too much time to think.

Growing Older

Everyday I grow older. You grow older. My kids grow older. Harlen grows older, and yet Loughlin stays 15 and Rhiannon stays that baby that I barely remember. He is Forever Fifteen...........

I want to start a non-profit organization that helps siblings who have lost a brother or a sister. I want to have group chats and group activities so that these kids don't feel alone in their pain. I would like someone to guide me in this endeavor.

Please comment below on how to start it. I want to call it #Forever15

Mirrors

I avoid mirrors as much as I can. Today as I was waiting for Harlen in the car, I looked in my rear view mirror. I was noticing all the wrinkles on my face. I thought of the years I have lived, but then I caught a glimpse of the scar below my lower lip, then the one above my right eye. The scars I have from running into the truck 11 years ago. Then as quick as I glanced in the mirror I was back in the suburban and Loughlin was dead on the bench behind me. The air left the van. I was left to my guilt and loneliness. Wrinkles to scars to I killed my son in less than 1 minute. PTSD? probably, but it is my life. This is not the life I chose. This is not a life I would choose even for my worst enemies. My family is everything to me.

Lea had a varsity game that we were on our way to. I was already in a mood. Lea didn't get to play. She was heartbroken. She cried. Lea never cries. She cried all the way home. She cried when we got home. She wrapped up in her comforter on her bed and cried. I went in and laid by her and cried with her. I hope it isn't how this year goes. I hope it gets better. Lea is a fantastic baller. She earned a spot on that team. I lived through 4 years of this with True. I am getting too old for the politics of this shit. I am tired. I love my baby girl. How do I sit back and watch another coach break my baby?

I got my new 10mm out and shot it for a while. I need the practice. True's going to come teach me how to be a better shot. I love that gun. Best Birthday present ever.

Today I just need an ear to listen.....I am not looking for you to fix me. Happy birthday Giles!

It's Giles's 17th birthday today. Another milestone in this family, and I can choose whether this milestone pulls me further into the abyss or I can celebrate that we all made it this far. I love this kid. He is amazing. He gets treated horribly by authority figures because of his hair and his inability to cow tow to the bullshit that attacks him. He is so strong, yet he loves to be told how proud you are of him. He treats with respect those who deserve it, but certainly is smart enough to ascertain those who don't. He is hilarious and plays the worst music in the world, but he loves it, and I love it when he smiles. He has experienced 2 more years than Loughlin did. 17 more years than Rhiannon did. There is the stone that sinks me further. I think I will just float on my back and rest a while. The deep can wait.

Spring but not really

I have had a long migraine, 7 days in fact, 9 shots, and finally I feel a little better today. The stress is taking over. Driving 8 hrs to my parents, worrying about my sick babies at home, staying a week helping my parents, driving 8 hrs home, never stopped raining. I know I have told you how much I hate driving. Life is a dream.

Giles and Lea started baseball and softball games yesterday. I watched from the car because I had just had a shot for my migraines. Giles pitched great 5 out of the 7 innings. His team just falling short of a victory. Lea is a freshman trying to play in the big leagues. Maybe she will play today. Giles is in Nyssa at 5pm and Lea in Notus at 5pm. I wish I could be in both places at the same time. Never enough of me.

It's still cold, perfect balling weather.

Inner

Storms a brewing.
Spirits are cooing.
Haunting my thoughts.
The have and have nots.
The silence is deafening.
Choking and threatening.
Where am I?Who am I? Am I really alive? Open my eyes. I can't drive.
You think you know how I feel, but you don't. You say open up, but I won't.
 I'm alone in my mind.
I'm one of a kind.
Another day passes by.
All I can do is just try.

Neverending Roller Coaster

I went to my niece's brother and sister in law's funeral on Saturday.  If you live close you know the story. The DeLeon's eere gunned down by Heidi's ex-husband on my birthday Sunday, January 6th. It was heart wrenching.  I could barely make it to the gravesite. I  hate funerals. Especially trauma based deaths.

My dad is turning 80 in February. He fell today and broke his pelvic/hip bone. I am stuck here feeling guilty because it is sale time and I am knee deep in our bull sale catalog.  Life never seems to slow down.  I am sooooo tired.

CHrIStmAS LeTtEr

Merry Christmas 2018

Lea is a Freshman and made the varsity volleyball team.

She never stops moving, involved in everything it seems.

The voice of an angel, yet the attitude of a lil’ devil.

Her achievements this year would make anyone revel.

Giles loves fast cars and can tell you everything about their horsepower.

He watches videos on how to make his eclipse faster for hours.

His baseball season seemed to last forever

Which pitch he should throw, man he is clever.

Maya graduated from high school and journeyed off to college.

To fill her head with mush and maybe some knowledge.

Getting great grades, missing her family, she has had quite a quarter.

Coming back to work at the school, she decided to make the drive shorter

True graduates in December with his associates, Business for Ag.

If personality gets a job, he has it in the bag.

He spends most his days with Katlyn hunting and fishing.

You can only imagine the wish his mom has been wishing.

Cyrus and McKayla have been married more than a year.

Happiness in life is what they appear.

Making his decision on what to do with his degree

Getting a job or a Masters, his future is free.

McKayla spends her day taking your blood pressure.

Being part of our family, she’s quite a treasure.

Harlen grew onions this year but the bulls are always on his mind.

He is always out looking for the best herd bull he can find.

He spends his free time with the kids and teaching the Word.

He does all of this and still takes care of our herd.

Exciting year for me, coaching softball for more than fifteen years.

Maya & I coached, in the end there were cheers.

For the 1^st time in our history we won the county championship.

Not to brag, but we just didn’t win we slaughtered. We whipped.

With Loughlin and Rhiannon not far from our thoughts.

Remembering the memories, there are really a lot.

Christmas time brings peace to our hearts.

The time we spend together are always the best parts.

We hope this letter finds you healthy and content.

Please know of our love and friendship that it’s sent.

Merry Christmas

The Garner Family

V-A-L Charolais Ranch

Chief

Chief
I buried my best friend today.
I know what you think, what you'll say.
When I was  depressed he never judged.
Just walked in front of me and gave me a nudge.
Loughlin used to tell me pet a dog everyday.
That will keep you happy and keep the sadness away.
He loved to play fetch with his toy shoe.
You might have been done but he was never through.
He didn't know he was a bird dig. He loved the cows.
He taught himself to herd them. I don't know how.
Memories fade I know after years.
But memories can't wipe away these tears

Fairy Godmother

Don't we all wish for that fairy godmother to come and make our lives easier. I have been so out of it for so long that even the smallest tasks take me forever. I am so out of shape. I am trying to clean my room. It is going to be a 3 day job. The tree is up though, not decorated yet, but up. 2 steps forward and one step back. I am fighting an ear infection also. I don't want to go to the Dr. again. I am tired of Dr.'s.

A reprieve

I hear stories of Alzheimer's patience who come back for a while. People who get 2-3 weeks of clearness, but then fall back into the unknown. I am afraid this is me. This is me because I lost my meds and because of the rough weeks I had before I asked for early refills. Now I am considered an addict. Me who only asked for 15 Valiums for the month because I didn't want to become addicted, but because of some crazy ass man in blue called me a killer, said I killed my son, I lost my mind for a while. Now my reprieve is gone and the depression is back. My husband treated like a queen for 3 weeks because he had his wife back, but now he will hate to be in the same room as me again. I am a downer. I am sad. I am suicidal. I hate my life.

I lost my Meds

I am having a rough day. I can't find my diazepam anywhere and I need it. I am panicked. I am having my 1st panic attack since changing meds. I need some help. I hope this is just a lil set back. 2 steps forward and 1 step back. Pray for me tonight.

The Creeping Darkness

There are so many things that have changed for me in the last two weeks. The biggest of which is I am happier. I actually am cleaning up my house, but that is going to take a while. I am so out of shape. Wallowing in self pity can certainly take it out of someone when it takes 10 years to snap out of it. I am tired though. I can feel the darkness creeping in and I hate it.

Volleyball season has ended for Lea, but she started pitching lessons last night. She will be starting pretty much from scratch. She wants to learn new and faster pitches so she is going to have to change almost all of her pitching technique. It is going to be a long process, but if anyone can do it, it is her.

Maya has decided to come back to TVCC for the Winter term. She is after all a mommy's girl. It will save her so much money and I really love her around.

Cyrus got all his paper work in and should be starting to substitute teaching soon. Maybe then he will know that is what he wants to do before starting the Masters program.

True and Katlyn spent 10 days on a elk hunt and saw nothing, so they froze their ass off for nothing. I am sure True still found fun in it.

Giles needs to improve his grades. He only cares about fast cars and cute girls. I hope he starts pitching soon.

Harlen has the corn and cow work left for this year. He is exhausted and we are talking about phasing us out of the farm. None of our kids want to take it over. He is too tired to do it all.

Please God keep these meds working. I love the new , old me.

October 27, 2018 . 10 years later

I woke up at 6:30 am this morning without an alarm. I sat and waited for 7:43am to come and go. I did and it did. Nothing changed. Loughlin is still gone and I am still missing him. I hope today is bearable. We are going to go to the movies later. True and Katlyn are hunting elk.  It's hard to keep the family together for days like these as the years move on. But we have a family still and life can still be happy at times and I am sure there will be sorrow, but we are a family and #familyiseverything .

Tomorrow is the 27th of October again

Ok tomorrow is the big bad day again. 10 years can you believe it? I can't. I have to say I can feel the sadness creeping in, but creeping is so much better than ramrodding. I should be sad. I should have triggers. Harlen is combining the same field with the same truck as the day of the accident, but I am ok with that. I have decided to stay home until he is finished. Why not? Why put yourself in that place? I miss Loughlin everyday. Everything around me reminds me what a great kid he was. He is gone and his chair at the table will never be filled, but that is just how it is. I can't fight the system anymore. I can't fight death himself. All I can do is try my hardest to raise the children that are here on this Earth. Try my best, and love my hubby everyday, even when he is a grump from the long hours of harvest. Tomorrow is that day but I miss Loughlin everyday, what is the difference?

A Reprieve from the endless negative thoughts

I have a very exciting update. After quitting Lithium I had a very bad 6 weeks. I was down. I was lower than I have ever been in my life. It was the time of year + the Nyssa cop accusing me of killing my son + no medicine = tornado. I was in hell. I thought of every way possible I could end my life, but it never ever rose to the level of killing myself. There is a wide line between not wanting to live and being dead. I never wanted to be dead.

Harlen finally talked me into seeing the doctor again. 2 weeks ago I went to my general. He put me on Depacoat with a tiny dose of zyprexa at night, along still with my prozac and valium when needed. I am a walking medicine cabinet, but the change is unbelievable. I am mostly me again. I am smiling, laughing, enjoying life.

 Homecoming for Giles was last week. I was so down I didn't even go take pictures. That seemed to be the straw.........











 even took the girls to see Donald J. Trump last Saturday. It was so much fun. He came to Elko, NV and I knew that was the closest he would come.

 

  





We also finished the onion harvest. What a relief. The rain was scaring us but we are done and grateful. Harlen even got me out there for 2 days. I am sore and my fingers are killing me from picking clods, but it felt good. But I am too old for that kind of labor. ugh

 

  Lea's last volleyball game was so much fun. They played so well. Way to end a terrific season, my lil Freshman Varsity Setter . You are beyond impressive! We love you ........

Fun times again. Planning a trip to the coast just before Christmas. I cannot wait to get a vacation in this year. Bella Beach, 2 houses, Lots of family, Lots of fun. Nothing like a Winter storm in December watching from a outside hot tub. I am so excited.

I had a bad day.

OMG Sometimes it feels like the accident was yesterday.  The farm trucks, harvest, the colors, the briskness in the air, football, Homecoming, election forthcoming. I have to convince myself that it has been 10 years since Loughlin died. The pain is so fresh, so raw. The mind is so foggy, confused. The soul so tattered, hopeless. The realization is back. The capability of keeping one foot in the past and one in the present is becoming impossible
 Why?  How? My heart is shredded. There is no peace for me today, but tomorrow will be better.  It has to be.

That's not me anymore

That’s not me anymore

I used to wake each day looking forward to a new endeavor.

I used to crack a joke. I was quick. I was clever.

That’s not me anymore.

I used to enjoy a huge crowd, eyes on me as I took the stage.

I read every book I could find and hung on every page.

That’s not me anymore.

I loved to cook all kinds of cuisine.

My house was never perfect, but it was clean.

But that’s not me anymore.

I loved the farm, the bulls, the cows and the lil calves.

Always content, never worried about the didn’t haves.

I’ll never be like that anymore.

I loved to watch my kids in everything they did.

Every song, every hit, every set, even when they slid.

It’s just not me anymore.

I loved my husband with every ounce of my soul.

We went everywhere together. Eternity was my goal.

That’s just not me anymore.

I can’t say I was always smiling, but the joy shined through.

Days I was down there was only just a few.

But I’m not like that anymore.

Back then I believed there was a God that cared about my life.

I believed in forever families and wanted to be a forever wife.

But I don’t believe like that anymore.

I spend days now wondering why I am even here.

All my mistakes and flaws are showing crystal clear.

Cuz that’s not my life anymore.

Getting out of bed each day shouldn’t be a struggle.

And at night I want to be alone. Never want to cuddle.

Happiness eludes me. I don’t feel it anymore.

I worry every moment, every day, every minute.

If this is it. I quit. I don’t want to be in it.

I don’t want to live anymore.

A Celebration of Loughlin's Life

Last night we invited friends and family to Red Lobster to eat and enjoy the  company. The love was so thick in the room that no sadness could come in. It was a wonderful night.  We had notes for guests to write memories on. I am reading them now. Red Lobster was good food, but the memories are a feast for the soul. 52 of our loved ones showed up to support our family. Lea couldn't come because of volleyball and Giles, the great big brother stayed behind with her.

Happy 25th Birthday Loughlin.

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1871888009527170&id=128211143894874

Video of Loughlin's 15 years with us. I can't even start to describe the heartache. Miss him everyday, hour, minute, second.
Always an empty chair.

Today 25 years ago my water broke

25 years ago today I was walking up the stairs at Harlen's grandpa's house and my water broke. We had been taking care of him, but that was just another disaster in my life. He called and told people I locked him in his room and didn't feed him. That wasn't true, but probably this day I would do just that. I hate people.

So tomorrow is that bright idea I had about a huge party for my dead son. WTF was I thinking? I am completely miserable. Have I mentioned I hate people.

Lea made the varsity volleyball team. Which is beyond awesome, but... I know there is always a but. She has a game tomorrow night against Vale, Nyssa's rival, ( I think team, school rivals are asinine, but I will play nice) She was a JV player, but then she is the star setter and she will miss Loughlin's party. So will Giles miss it just in case there is the slightest of chance that they can make it for the last moments of a celebration of a 10 year dead son. Then there is Maya that is so excited for her sister, but yet has to be so jealous that she never had the chance to play. Because of me, because 10 years ago I hit a parked farm truck and ruined the lives of everyone around me. But Maya is smiling and cheering and so excited for the sister she loves. I sometimes tell her she is a lot of like me. What a complete farce. She is nothing like me. She loves. She forgives. She shows this stalwart personality like she can't be hurt, even when she is so hurt. She is amazing in so many ways. She is tired of her mom. She is pretty close to hating me. I think this is the moment other parents talk about, when they can't wait to get them to become adults. I have never felt this way. the mom daughter relationship is so different. My first relationship with my daughter only lasted 2 weeks. I am clearly not good at this. I  no nothing about what a real girl/ young women wants because I really never lived that life.

She leaves for school on Thursday. Another child leaving the nest. Another step closer to the moment I am no longer needed on this earth. I should be happy I guess. I am . I am proud of her and her drive. There will no longer be any noise in my house during the day again. I am not ready for that. I am not ready to act cheerful as people celebrate the fact Loughlin will never be 25. He won't be because I KILLED him.

Rhiannon is dead
Loughlin is dead
Cyrus doesn't even like to be in the same room as me.
True is my protector, but he need not be. He needs to worry about his life.
Maya pretty much could do without me.
Giles doesn't even know I exist.
Lea, well Lea is just consumed with her perfectness.

Only a decade a go it seemed almost good. WTH happened??????????

Optimistic Labels

I hate words like CPR Cardiopulminary Resuscitation. It doesn't resuscitate. The JAWS OF LIFE doesn't actually bring someone to life.

I am depressed. I can't get off my ass. I can't clean. I really don't family around. I don't want anyone around.

Lay the Blame where it belongs

I have spent 9 years blaming my shakes on the medicine, my sadness on the medicine, my jerks on the medicine, my every downfall on my medicine. Well guess what no medicine and I just want to quit, quit living, quit breathing, quit worrying, quit crying, quit caring, quit hurting, quit feeling guilty, quit everything,

I am once again a coward and cannot quit, but I can stay in my pajamas all day, have headaches that hurt so bad I want to cry, but there are no tears left for such trivial bullshit. They should give morphine drips for mind hurts just like they do body aches. Stick a catheter in, IV morphine, even a bag. I will just sit here and pout for the day, week, month, year, lifetime.

I plan this huge party for Loughlin's birthday like it is going to make this excruciating pain to go away. I am sooooooo fucked up. I have fucked up everyone's life that touches mine.

Beck, “I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?”

I am back

I am off the pink pill for 10 days now.  I have anxiety, but not anymore than I did on the pill. The fog is almost completely gone. I am looking through washed windows, not my windows in my house but in my soul. My house is a wreck. I keep putting off my much needed paperwork, thank you cards, tax questions. bills, but Loughlin's birthday keeps my mind occupied. What if no one shows but my family who has too, or maybe someone shows up because I put it on his page, which I shouldn't have. I am weaning myself off social media a little at a time. It isn't social and it just pisses me off. No one is that happy. No one is that pathetic. No one is that depressed unless they take a gun and stick it in their mouth. BOOM. It is fake. I will miss the politics. I might miss my extended family, but they are extended for a purpose. Right????  Lea is neck deep in volleyball and she is awesome. Maya leaves for college in 10 days, UGH it will be so hard without her. Giles only thinks about hopping up his already fast car giving his mom heart palpitations. Cyrus is still working on the farm getting his substitute teaching license together. McKayla is working at a health clinic in Ontario. True only thinks about hunting and his girlfriend Katlyn. He didn't show up for Sunday dinner today. You can lead a horse to water.......blah blah blah blah blah  Life is better than it was because I no longer shake like I have Parkinson's. My hair is falling out in droves, but hair is just another thing you have to mess with. Funny am I better?

This is not a cry for help

There has been this lingering thought in my head most of my life. I don't belong. There is this utility knife on the counter in my kitchen. I don't know who left it there or why. I haven't thought that part through. I don't really care. I only care that it is there. Tempting as it seems. There is so many ways to ease this pain I face everyday. Overdose, Driving off the road to the dam, Guns galore, but this knife entices my thoughts of the unseemly demise of my soul. It would be easy, yet messy. Where would be the cleanliness, but when have I ever cared about sticky floors. My life has always been so fucking cluttered, complicated, sloppy, and frankly dire. Yet this sharp razor knife has kept my attention for moments. Who am I kidding? It's all I think about. I would never do this to my babies, my husband, yes, but not my kids. They have suffered insurmountable damage at my hands. The POPO was correct. I killed my son. I probably killed my baby girl too. She was mine.  He was mine. I was in charge of their everything, and I failed. I failed grievously. I quit the medicine that was supposed to be keeping me level, but it wasn't keeping me level. It was keeping me numb, dead inside, dull, even callous, but that pink pill kept me alive, breathing, but what is living, breathing without feeling? It isn't living. You are right. I might as well have been in a coma for 9 years. I could only wish I was in the coma, because then I wouldn't have been filled with the ugly emotions that creeped in and took over my life, the guilt, the anxiety, the anger, the guilt, the guilt, the guilt. So this is 1 week off those horrible, sinister, menacing, horrid, vile pink pills that made me shake uncontrollably, that made jerk, so I couldn't even enjoy my succulent black beverage that is ALWAYS my favorite part of my morning. For 2 months I have refrained from the coffee because I was tired of being burned, but most of all I was tired of the ugliness that surrounded that fucking pink pill. I am not capable of living without that fucking pink pill, yet how would I know? How would I know with my addiction to this lousy pink pill? Sure for a year after Loughlin died I was a fucking wreck. I did horrible things, made terrible choices. I wanted to die. The guilt. Is there a worse emotion? It engulfs your whole being. your every thought, your every word, your every dream, your everything. The guilt of losing Rhiannon made me a better mom, but a lousy wife. The guilt of killing Loughlin, killed me. I died 3,602 days ago, 86,642 hours ago, 5,198,520 minutes ago. I have been part of the walking dead for almost 10 years. Surely not the walking dead that is on TV with the fingers falling off and wanting to devour human flesh, but I am walking and I am dead. 💔

Day 6 of my detoxification

I have made it 6 days while detoxifying from the poison passed off as a helpful drug. I have spent these days suffering from nausea, vomiting, dizziness, foggy mind, shaking, tired and really completely miserable, but i can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I want my personality back. And I was funny this morning. I used to could come up with a song for every situation. I did it again yesterday and not just once, but many times. I am not having racing thoughts. I am mostly tired. I am hoping for a better life after this toxin is out of my body, drinking a cup of coffee without spilling because of the shaking and jerking.   Hopeful once again. 💔😅

Leaving Lithium Cold Turkey

I have never gone off the medicine I was prescribed for the PTSD in 9 years. But Friday night I quit. I stopped cold turkey. I was tired of the shaking and the jerks and my kids wondering what is wrong with me and them worried that I had Parkinson's, plus I am tired of the fog that I have lived in for so long. I am in the thick of the withdrawals right now so I won't write much. I hope it works out well for me. I really need a jump start. I just hope I don't jump the gate and run with no interference. I am strong and I can do this.

My Punishment

MY PUNISHMENT

Last night I had the most vivid dream.

A nightmare full of terror it seemed.

My hands, and my feet were tied to a post.

Above me floated my dead son’s ghost.

The fire burned high and hot all around.

The crackling of the embers was heard, the only sound.

Guilty of killing my oldest son.

It’s the last thing I would have ever done

The whole town cheered at the sight of my demise.

If only they could have seen that day through my eyes.

Their judgement might be different than guilty and death.

The pain is excruciating. I barely catch a breath.

I feel my skin sizzle in the blistering flames.

I am she, whom the whole world blames.

As the heat engulfs me I devour this punishment.

My soul senses a complete replenishment.

After years of agony my spirit finally embraces the release.

Life exiled, head slumped, I am finally at peace.

Rock Bottom

My life, I picture as a cavern in the middle of the ocean. This cavern is deep, deep as the deepest part of the ocean. It has ridges and cliffs on all sides. It must be like that. The bottom has never been seen. It is unknown territory. I say all of this because I hear people whisper, she has hit rock bottom. Yet there is no bottom, well I haven;t felt it yet. I fell as a child when my coach molested me in the pool. I was low. The rocky edges cut and scraped me, but the water receded and I lived for a while. I didn't learn  though. I hated myself, I was dirty and I tried to cleanse my soul with tequila or rum or really anything I could find. Passed out on the bed I am raped and only wakeup to smell his horrible smell. The smell that I will never forget, I still heave when I smell it. OMG that had to be rock bottom. I fell far and deep but I survived. I was bruised, physically, I was cut wide open, figuratively, I was filthy now. What was ever the point in caring about anything. I was good at being bad. I liked it in the dark. I loved it in the cold depths of my sea. Then there was the pregnancy and Rhiannon and her death. That had to be rock bottom. But it wasn't. I looked for anything to ease my pain. The cliff was steep and narrow. I couldn't stay there long. I swam to the surface. I married Harlen and started a beautiful family. Life was wonderful for a while, but then one Fall morning I was thinking of other things and in a hurry to get back home to make a dessert for Mike's funeral. I didn't see the truck. I drove the same road every morning for thousands of mornings, but this morning was different. I don't remember the truck, but I remember the bloody aftermath. I remember watching my kids suffer more than any child should ever have to. This had to be rock bottom. I kept slipping down further. I made so many poor choices, falling farther. There is no way out of this one. I have been drowning for so long, 10 years without a real breath, a hearty one that fills your lungs and recharges every cell in your body. So many people try to pull me out, but I believe this is where I belong. Others, evil, uncaring Fucks like the policeman in Nyssa they enjoy pushing you down further, before you can get a breath. They push your kids down. I have found my new bottom. I am a killer to people in this town. I am making a 4 yr plan to get the hell out of this hole. Lea graduates and we are gone, a fresh start, a fresh move, I have something to look forward to.

There is a Blue Shadow hanging over me.

It must be that time of year again. The time when I have to face the facts that my kids are getting older, now Lea is a freshman just like Loughlin was when he died. This morning I was watching an airbag commercial talking about the safety of their cars and I just listened and then I saw Loughlin just lying there. I saw Cy's legs crushed in the car. I saw Maya unconscious on the floor of the suburban. I watched True and Giles climb over their brother's lifelessness. I hear my shrills that I killed my son. I am watching it replay in my mind 100's of times today. I cannot shut it off. I cannot fast forward nor rewind. This is my life. The incident with the POPO in Nyssa has made these feelings so raw and the guilt dig in to stay. I am tired. Maya is here with me for another 3 weeks, but then what? Alone in this empty space?

Giles & Lea 1st day of school 2018

"Wake me up when September Ends"

Blue Lives Matter......... Not really....... Not anymore than anyone else.... Not really at all

I know I should talk about Fair last week. I know I should put up cute pictures of Giles and Lea showing their steers and put on that fake smile I keep in a jar by the door, but I can't. I want to tell you a very different tale. A tale of chivalry and braveness. A tale of stalwartness and courage. This would be my son Giles.

On Friday night August 3rd, 2018, Giles was pulled over by the Nyssa police. They said he was called in by an anonymous source because they thought he was drinking. The problem is Giles does not drink and he had just left us at Fair 15 minutes previous to take his girlfriend home. We had been playing cards in the motor home. It was around 11:30 pm. This is a normal time to leave the Fair. The kids are required to stay all day, and to feed their animals before they went home. They would be back at 6-6:30 am. It is a long week and this was the 5th day. The source of the phone call cannot be released. (Info from the cops). He was put through the regular asinine sobriety tests. (Why didn't he just blow into a breathalyzer?) Anyways........ After he passed everything, the lead cop asked the rest of the 5 cops, yes 5 cops for a 16 yr old boy, guilty of nothing, to turn off their bodycams. (What that only happens on TV, or in major cities against black men!) Well guess what the struggle is real. Officer Armenta then proceeded to berate my son. He told him he was a shitty driver. (Giles has never even had a ticket.) He yelled more and more until he came to the climax of his tantrum, That he was helping. He didn't want another accident to happen since Giles's mom killed her son. Yes I killed Loughlin. I know I say it, but no one else can say that. It was supposed to be an accident, not my fault, but here was a man in blue yelling, screaming at my son, that I killed my son. 

Giles lost it. He told that son of a bitch that he cannot talk about his brother. He did not know his brother. He had no right to speak his name. At this time Giles was crying. He told me he wanted to be strong and not show his emotion, but that fucker broke him. He didn't just break him. He broke me. He took away 9 years of counseling in his little craziness. For three days all I can think about is the accident. In my mind are images of Loughlin dead, his brain matter leaking on the seat, his brothers Giles and True having to climb over him to get out of the suburban. 10 years of not having Loughlin here and this prick thinks he can do this to this family. See I believe in vengeance as does your Lord. 

the Chief of Police has been nice, but nice is not what I need. I want his badge. I want him to suffer as we have. I want him to lose a child and grieve for the rest of his life. I want him to feel years of guilt. I want him to beg on his knees for this not to be true.  

They say this is emotional distress at the hands of the great men in blue. I say 6 officers watched this happen and did nothing until the next morning when a few broke the blue wall, and then a few more. You see Giles was telling the truth and turning off their bodycams is against the law, and to what end? To scare a 16 yr old into being a better driver, wait Giles is a good driver. Power is a funny thing.

The Chief has a quote by Edmund Burke on his Facebook wall. It says"  All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing". But I just visited his page and it is gone, co put. Is that a sign that he, also, is not going to do what is necessary to fight the triumph of evil? Well the tea leaves tell a fascinating story.  I am sure they are getting their ducks in a row, because Hell hath no fury, wait Don't mess with a mother bear, because I will do everything to protect the cubs I still have. I have always bocked at authority, because " "Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men." Lord Acton. 

I am in the process of seeing what can be done to right this wrong. Maybe an attorney, he will have a free one. Even the ACLU is on my list, my arch-enemy, but my family is more important than my ideals. 

Nyssa Police Department Mission Statement:"Honor, Integrity and Service "

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

The impending 10 year mark is suffocating me.

.
I am shaking
Heart breaking
No faking
I want to die
10 long years
All my fears
They came true
I never knew
A pain like this
The child I miss
Could change us all
I sit. I scream. I bawl.
Where are the smiles?
Nothing but trials.
I have failed.
My hands not nailed
My cross I have to carry
The weight makes me weary,
My mind is scrambled
His life I gambled.
I see him lying there.
God how can this be fair?
One life gone, but 7 destroyed.
Lives of hell were deployed.

Happy Birthday to my beautiful talented amazing baby birl

My baby is 14 and going to high school. She is so beautiful inside and out and talented. I love her to death.