Finding Answers to my health problems

I completed one test on Friday and I have 2 left most likely leading to surgery. 1/2 of my stomach is above my diaphragm . ( worse than the picture). I am sick quite often,3/5 days a week. I throw up. I have acid reflux that goes all the way up my nose. I wake up in a dream I am drowning and I am downing in my own acid. I am so tired. I can't go back to sleep afterwards.

I am worried about the outcome of the further tests but I am also relieved to know there could be an end to this part of my misery in life. Friday is my next test, an Endoscopy and Colonoscopy. Sounds like a party at my house Friday night. haha. You know it is bad when I am letting someone go that way on me. I am scared and grossed out. Immature perhaps but that is me. Hopefully I can get this fixed before the end of the year.

Wish me luck.

Happy 23rd Birthday Loughlin. I miss you every moment.

Loughlin through the Years


Here is the video I made for Loughlin's 21st birthday. I never posted it here. I hope you will enjoy all of the pictures.

Red Lobster for the family today because you loved it.

The Sun in the Eastern Horizon blinds my eyes but not my mind to my failures and inadequacies.

Yesterday as I drove the kids to school, I descended our hill, the blaring ball of fire was so immense that I could not see in front of me again. ( I say again, at least I think again. I don't really remember why I hit that truck.) It's nice to have something other than me to blame. The sun is an inanimate object. I am sure he can take the heat.

The whole accident came back in full force. The what ifs drowned me in my own self despair. How could I let this happen? How is Loughlin dead? Just writing those words socks me in the stomach taking the air out of my lungs. Almost 8 years and I still haven't conquered the "Acceptance" step of grief. The weight is enormous today. Sunday Loughlin would be 23. My God is there so much difference between 15 and 23? So much time has passed but in my mind, which isn't that stable, it was yesterday, and yet how is Giles a Freshman? Is it understandable that Loughlin will be "Forever 15" and yet everyone else is growing older? I am older, so much older. I feel it everyday. I have friends running marathons, I can't run downstairs to get toilet paper. ( I am sure I can find something else that will work.)

I keep a page for Loughlin on Facebook. I feel like people hate when I am down and only want uplifting posts. WTF These are the shoes I was given to walk this long dirt road we call life. I guarantee if you want to try them on you will be as Anastasia in Cinderella. They will look like a comfortable fit until the truth is revealed. They are my shoes and mine alone. I am not happy that 2 of my kids are in the cold ground. I am angry. I am sad. I am hurt. I feel ripped off. You talk of your grand babies and your weddings and my kids are gone. My future is forever degraded. My life forever decayed. I am a realist. I always have been. The smile on my face is real, or if it is absent it is absent for a reason. I will not pretend. My incredible son is dead. How do you smile through that? I am not always a miserable wretch. I love my other kids. I love to watch their accomplishments. I love to hear them sing. I love to even hear them argue. I love all the things I missed with Rhiannon and Loughlin. So quit looking at me with that pity face, like you could handle this so much better.

Shower to Shower Each Day

I can measure my depression by the time I spend in the shower. I hate the shower, the closed curtain, the steam, the difficulty breathing, the silence. I hate it. Last week I only took 1 shower in the 7 days. I know that is so disgusting, but I really didn't care. I changed clothes, underwear, used deodorant, straightened hair, used ponytails, hats. The shower is too much though.

I stay away from wherever I can. If I have to go I am sitting by myself, talking to as few as I can.

I don't know what brought it on, if anything. The first day of school, the start of September, Fall like weather, harvest, Cyrus moving out for school, the upcoming 23rd birthday for Loughlin, True moving out soon, any of these could be the culprit, but to be honest I am just tired. It seems I still suck at handling everyday mishaps. I get pulled over by an undercover, unmarked car in the middle of the country for using my phone. I had just picked up True's pickup that had run out of gas and was calling him to tell him his hunting stuff was safe. 500 yards later I am being pulled over. You know how much I love the lights and the sirens. They make my whole day run so smoothly. Then there are bills and an unfinished house that is pulling me down, not to mention my dirty house that I have been trying my best to get clean, but I don't have any energy, or desire. I only feel disappointment in not getting anything accomplished and a husband who sees only my inadequacies. If you add all of these together you might add up to depression + anxiety but actually it is just my life.