The Dreary Days of December

I know it's not December yet but November just didn't sound as good. I am struggling through the holidays. I have a wheelchair back in my house. I can't really explain the emotions that that simple piece of equipment conjures up in my soul. It takes me back to the dark days after the accident and the first holidays without Loughlin and I am having a hard time breaking free. I really don't want to leave my girl home in a wheelchair. I am so jumpy and anxious that something else is going to happen. I hated the hospital. I struggled for oxygen the entire time we were there. Maya's Dr.'s office is there also and I just got home from there again. I am such a wreck. I cry or get angry at anything. I wish I could say I can't wait for Hawaii but that really isn't the case. I can wait..........

My girl and SCFE

Today is the first time since the accident and losing Loughlin that I am dealing with a medical issue for one of my kids. Maya has a condition known as SCFE. Her chances of getting this is 8 in 100,000. We found out today at 4pm and she is being rushed into surgery tomorrow morning to fix the growth plate at the top of her femur. They will insert a large screw to keep it stable until the growth plate firms. she will be put under anesthesia. I am a basket case tonight. I thought I was getting stronger but tonight I feel like a wet noodle. One of the reasons she could of got this condition is from being overweight. She was never overweight until this life change and losing Loughlin. I am pretty sure everything will turn out fine but that slim chance hangs in the air like the staleness of a cigar, making my stomach churn and my mind work overtime. Please send prayers this way for my beautiful girl.

Revelation, Inspiration, Perspiration?

I wonder about these three words so often. Kid gloves on some, a hatchet on others. Poor poor soul or damned? A duck is a duck unless it is a duck disguised as a weasel. I wish I could live with rose colored glasses creating a world of beautiful tints but I have never seen this world as anything than what it is. I wish I could say the same for those around me that occupy this Earth.

All in all this new experience has made me realize that I no longer want to wear the posture of victim hood. I am me and I am created by everything that has happened in my life, everything that has happened to those I love throughout the past until now. I react only to what I know. I will stand for what is right. I will always try and protect those that need protection, especially the ones who cannot protect themselves. It is hard for me to stand back and watch an injustice being perpetrated. So if you ask you will get what I think

Life is calming

It seems our life has slowed to a trot. True's football season has ended with an undefeated season, in fact they didn't even have a close game. He is surrounded by a very talented and good group of boys. Maya's volleyball season is also over. They won about 50% of their games but she loved every minute of it. Lea has decided that her Cheer class is not for her and I really am happy about that. Giles has scouts and spends most of the rest of the time complaining that he can't play football yet. Mondays are so hard with Scouts, football, Achievement Days, Driver's Ed + every other normal occurrence in our lives that I don't miss that extra drive to town. Cyrus' team made state. It's been a long season for the Antelopes, well at least for us. We made it through both Loughlin's Birthday and the day he left us. It seemed more difficult this year but every year has been so hard. Farming is coming to an end, whether we like it or not. The snow was on the ground this morning. We have corn left to harvest and then the dreaded ground work........But the most exciting news is that Harlen and I leave for Hawaii on December 6th for our 20th wedding anniversary. I am both excited and petrified. I have never left the kids for 7 days and I have never been that far from home. I am excited though to spend so much undisturbed time with my hubby and to see one of the most beautiful places on Earth. It will fulfill a much needed rest for both of us. Harlen and Giles are traveling to California and back as we speak delivering bulls. I hate being here without them.

Friday we watched 3 football games. Cyrus', True's and then we ventured in to watch Loughlin's class play their last home game of the season. They are also undefeated. I thought it would be hard but it really was enjoyable to watch how ell all of them are doing. Loughlin would have loved it. Go Bulldogs! they really should do well at state.