3 Days

For three days now I have been back in that dark place, the place where there is no hope, no light, and really no love. I find myself in conversations with no knowledge of what the other person is saying. Their mouths move but my mind can scarcely find room for my own thoughts, not alone their problems, cares or joys. I am miserable. I am soooo tired of trying to overcompensate for being such a horrible mom, for putting my beautiful children through more than any child should ever have to bear, for taking a life. I saw where they charged a mom in Southern Idaho with vehicular homicide just the other day for not having her child in a seat belt when they wrecked. Why her and not me? Wow really, isn't losing your child enough punishment for the rest of you days? And yet ........

I have no energy for anything. I go to games and practices and just try to keep up on laundry. My house is a disaster, my life worse. I want to give up but that would be more than my kids could handle.

Happy Happy Birthday Loughlin

Tomorrow you would have turned 18. Pizza and football tonight followed by your favorite restaurant tomorrow, Red Lobster. My only wish is, still and forever, that you could be here with us. We miss you so much. Still feels like yesterday and yet forever since you were here. We are so blessed for the time we had with you. You were, and always will be, so incredible.

Loughlin's Birthday is Sunday

We are trying to decide what to do to celebrate Loughlin's 18th birthday. We thought about BYU-Utah football game but thought about it much too late. the only tickets left are expensive and pretty close to the clouds. So now we are thinking about heading to the lake. We haven't been all year. I would really love to get out of this place though, if just for the two days. True has his first game today in football and Maya her first volleyball game both in Notus. Cy plays again on Friday. I really love the fall sports. I hope they fair better than my college and NFL teams did this last week. I love watching my kids compete, win or lose. I love them all so much.

The wave has subsided

It seems as though I have made it through one of the worst waves of grief and anger, that I have experienced. I am glad it is slowly ending. I feel so much better. I am finding some hope once again. I am so grateful for a loving husband who helps me through this unbelievable pain.

Cyrus is playing football for the first time since the accident. It is hard for a over caring mom to watch, but I am so proud of him. It is painful for him but he is so brave in the way he is facing this challenge. He wants to play again.

True is playing to and is as mean as ever. Maya started early morning volleyball. 6am in the morning, makes me appreciate my mom so much that took me to swim team for 6 years at 5 am.

But most important in our lives is the HOPE and the LOVE I can feel again.

Leaders

What we want in our leaders:

Honesty, One who does what he says he will do, Compassionate, Empathy for those around him, Intelligent, knowing one's limitations and not stepping over those borders, Humble, admitting when one is wrong.

Not too much to ask.