My Little Miss Maya

I just finished my first special ed meeting for Maya. Our last school was hesitant about getting Maya any help, in fact it was like pulling teeth to get them to consider it. After visiting an incredible neuropsychologist the first of this year, he has brought a lot to the attention of Harlen and I and also our new school. Maya is doing better. We have the most wonderful 5th grade teacher on the planet and I am so grateful for that. Maya has passed both state tests and only one left to go. I am grateful for all of this.(She hadn't passed any since the accident) I know this meeting was not about me and yet I had to sit and listen to the SE teacher keep saying ," well she will qualify for more help if we meet some criteria, and then she proceeded with one of them is a TBI (traumatic brain injury) well there is no question she has had that". OK, I know she has had that but I am wondering how many times in a 1 hour meeting we can clearly point out that I am totally responsible for this TBI and really whatever I do now will not make up for the fact that I ran into a farm truck and changed our lives for the negative forever. She didn't really point this out but everytime she mentioned the TBI, I was sick, sick in my heart and in my head and the bile was clearly coming up my throat. UUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2nd week

The second week of EMDR has been extremely easier. My appointments have been on Fridays and today marks the 4th day after and I feel better. I felt a little joy yesterday with my kids doing our normal night routine. I felt joy spending the day with Harlen, I was knee deep in mud at a farm sale, and yet I had a good time. Today I am alone in the house, kids in school, Harlen off to another farm sale, I hope I don't take a uturn back. I hope I can keep making progress. I just wish now that I could feel peace, some sort of peace. I just miss Loughlin so much. My heart breaks everytime I think about what could have been.

EMDR and the first week..........

EMDR: Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)¹ is a comprehensive, integrative psychotherapy approach. It contains elements of many effective psychotherapies in structured protocols that are designed to maximize treatment effects. These include psychodynamic, cognitive behavioral, interpersonal, experiential, and body-centered therapies².

EMDR psychotherapy is an information processing therapy and uses an eight phase approach to address the experiential contributors of a wide range of pathologies. It attends to the past experiences that have set the groundwork for pathology, the current situations that trigger dysfunctional emotions, beliefs and sensations, and the positive experience needed to enhance future adaptive behaviors and mental health.

During treatment various procedures and protocols are used to address the entire clinical picture. One of the procedural elements is "dual stimulation" using either bilateral eye movements, tones or taps. During the reprocessing phases the client attends momentarily to past memories, present triggers, or anticipated future experiences while simultaneously focusing on a set of external stimulus. During that time, clients generally experience the emergence of insight, changes in memories, or new associations. The clinician assists the client to focus on appropriate material before initiation of each subsequent set.

Have had actually a worse week since starting this treatment. The memories are so raw. I really am wearing down. I feel like giving up even with everything that is around me. I am exhausted beyond what I ever thought possible. I want to see Loughlin & Rhiannon again. I want to feel my Grandma's arms around me but most of all I just want to find out if there really is another side. I really have tried to get a testimony of it all but it is not coming. I read and pray and read and pray and when I am tired of that I read and pray some more. The promise is there, "Ask and it shall be given". The darkness surrounds me when I can't feel anything. I go to his grave wanting to feel his spirit but he isn't there. The thought of him in the ground, nothing left, takes over. I try to push it out but he is gone, she is gone, all we have is this existence here and I don't want it anymore. I would rather be nothing.

Drive safe to school

My kids love to pray, well at least the younger ones. Tonight I said their night prayers with them. My little Lea said, "Please bless we are safe on the way to school." Agony. I made it just out of the room before I fell to pieces. I am not saying they have never said it before they have and each time I fall to pieces. Will I ever forgive myself? I wish I could live these last 2 1/2 years over again.Ooooh Loughlin, I am so so sorry. I miss you so much!

EMDR

I started with an EMDR specialist today. I am holding out high hopes that he can help me deal with this a little better. I am sure I am stuck in this grieving process. It isn't getting any easier. Sometimes I still don't believe I will make it through.

When pain out weighs responsibilities that is when this choice will get easier.

Dream?

Today I awoke to someone calling "mom" I called back,"I'm right here" but no one answered. It was 5 am none of my children were awake yet and still I knew I had heard it so clearly. I cannot breath now. My heart aches, my soul hungers to hear Loughlin's voice. Was it a dream? I am beginning, it seems, back at the first of this grieving process again and I don't want to do it again. I am so tired of longing for a son whom I will never see on this earth again.