I am so sad today. I really cannot get myself motivated to do all of the things I need to get done. I just got home from running an errand for Harlen. The hired man was parked at the bottom of the hill in the exact same place that I hit the truck 9 months ago but I saw his pickup. Why didn't I see that truck? Life sucks without Loughlin here. Fair is as horrible as I hoped it wouldn't be. Oh how I wish he was here................

Monday the 27th

I guess I never thought about how many Monday the 27th's there could be in one year. Today is 9 months without my dear sweet boy. This is so hard. Baseball, Fishing and Fair all without him. How will we ever make it through?

Sometimes I don't even have the courage and energy to want to make it. We are not ready for fair. The steers aren't clipped. True's steer is so mean and I can't even get out of the house to go and look for all of the supplies we will need. I wish we would have taken a pass on the steers this year, the fair. I haven't collected funds to buy the steers and the sale might be a complete wreck. Then it will be all for not but that is half my life.........

So Long since Posting

I really haven't a good excuse as to why I haven't posted for such a long time. I think part of me as ignored the blog, ignored the raw feelings that accompany my writings, actually ignored the hurt, the missing, the nausea, the longing all that come from writing on this blog. I have been better about being able to push the scenes of the accident from my mind faster when they intrude, infest at the worst times. And yet I feel guilty for not thinking of Loughlin continuously, for finding joy in life or getting myself busy so that the grief is not all encompassing.

Last night our ward celebrated the 24th of July, a holiday set aside for the appreciation we have of our ancestors that crossed across the plains and settle in the Salt Lake Valley and establish the church my family belongs to. My new calling keeps me busy during the party but as people left and the building grew empty my thoughts drifted back to better times, times when life was so simple and yet I did not realize how blessed my life was. Harlen had left earlier and as I walked outside to 4 of my children waiting for me, the longing hit me like a wave at Big Surf. I couldn't breath. I still don't understand anything positive that could come from my loss.I still struggle with my testimony everyday. I still find it difficult to pray to my Father in Heaven and now I feel guilty for not thinking of Loughlin all of the time. But I got to a point that I could not even do the smallest of chores without being distracted. In two weeks my sleep time never surpassed 4 hrs a night and my physical body started to feel the repercussions. I couldn't take care of my family and my relationship with others was suffering.

I have already received blessings from my new calling. I have realized how important the parable of the lost sheep is. I never could understand why we should leave so many to save one. I understand now, the worth of one soul is great...............

Almost Fair Time

I have been putting off doing the 4H records for the steers this year. They are due on Friday and today I finally decided just to try and find them. I didn't remember putting them away last year and actually hoped they were somewhere in the house. I knew while looking for them I would find so many priceless memories of Loughlin and I just didn't know if I was strong enough to handle the mounting emotions connected to those things. I was right. I found pictures, report cards, his certificate when he received the priesthood and so many other memories. I am overwhelmed with emotion. I miss him so very much. I found a school picture that had the patriotic theme with it. It reminded me of the love Loughlin had for this country and how one day he would have liked to serve our country. He was never awarded that chance.
After a short while I found the records, with Loughlin's on top. I always have disliked doing this task, felt it stupid busy work, but oh how this year I wish I could help Loughlin feel out all of his papers, watch him get so nervous breaking his steer, watch him even more nervous showing him but always performing at his best, trying his hardest at something he never did enjoy.
Fair is going to be so hard. I wish on one hand we would have decided not to go. It is a very exhausting and a very long week, add missing my son every single minute and I wonder really how we will get through. Another first, another event that we must endure, another chance to wear that face I hang on the coat rack by my door, another chance to make new memories and another month that old memories fade and smells, sounds and smiles are hard to recall.

Wow, can I really do this?

The Last May Reunion when life was simple!

Today at church I was put in the Relief Society Presidency. I really can't believe it. I have never thought I was up to a calling like that. I had a feeling it was coming but ignored it. The feeling was strong, but I thought, what are you thinking? They would never put you there. I wanted a chance to give service, ready or not here it comes. I am hoping for the prayers of friends and family. I know I will need them to to this job to the best of my ability. I hope for a calm in this existence. My blessing said today that God is pleased with me. How could he be? and yet I hope it is true.

Harlen's reunion was all last week. It was so hard being with family in a familiar place without my sweet son. There were times when I could barely breath and other times I actually found joy watching my other kids make a new reality in their lives. I am not ready for that yet. I am still holding on to the memory of what things could have been. I am hoping the pain eases soon. I am praying to my Father in Heaven again. I always have had that prayer in my heart, hoping, loving but I now pray on my knees every night. I pray that this family of mine will stay strong and healthy and that we will make it back to be with Loughlin again. I hope it is all true. the investment is to big to give up now. 3 days with Harlen's family was exhausting, when I arrived home the Bishopric was there to greet me. Quite a weekend!