A Full Life

I'm am writing from the confines of the 3rd floor at St. Luke's hospital. Harlen spiked a fever on Thursday and this is where we ended up. He went for his fourth intravenous chemotherapy and had a fever of a 102.9. They sent us to the Emergency room then he was transported to Boise. It was really hard on him for 2 days. His hemoglobin was down to 6.7 when we arrived in Fruitland, after one transfusion it didn't budge at all. He had another transfusion tonight hopefully it works and he can get a little bit of energy to manage harvest. Tonight he is finally resting and feeling better. Leukemia really sucks. He is so strong. I love him more than ever.

In the meantime, Lea won Sophomore Homecoming Princess. Thank God the coronation and Parade was on Wednesday this year. We were lucky enough to enjoy with her celebrating her crowning. She was so cute.  Here are two videos and a very cute photo. Tonight Cyrus filled in for Harlen to walk Lea out on the football field. It was so sweet. Susan Schulthies and Teniele helped us facetime the event so we could watch it from the hospital room. I can't wait for the video.

https://www.facebook.com/harlenkendalee.garner/videos/2737556759590802/?t=6



https://www.facebook.com/harlenkendalee.garner/videos/2738101159536362/?t=2

Thursday was also Loughlin's 26th birthday. We haven't been able to celebrate yet, but hopefully soon. Life seems to have a way of getting in the front of traditions sometimes. Happy Birthday Loughlin. We love you so much and miss you everyday. Life will never be the same without you.

His Fight My Light

This is not a fight we chose, but it is a fight we are in. Harlen's labs were bad on Friday again. We spent Saturday getting two transfusions at St. Luke's. Today he feels stronger and he is ready to go on. Tomorrow morning we start real chemo. I pray that it will slow down this disease that has invaded his body, but certainly not his soul.

We had a week of spectacular events. We returned to the temple on Thursday for the first time in eleven years together. The peace that Elder McCune blessed our family with is holing us up. I feel my Savior again. I am not going to say this is an easy feat, because every moment the darkness wants to creep in, wants to make me feel unworthy, unloved, defeated, but I am trying to stay in the light. I try to remember the words spoken to me; God loves me. He wants the best for me. I am not being punished. Things just happen. So many other important words that hold me up when I want to get down. I have a family that loves me and I need to be strong for Harlen. He needs me. I need to get busy and get this house clean. I need to repaint the bathroom because it has mold and Harlen cannot be around it. In the last 11 years I have not done much, just what was needed. I pray for the strength to get past myself and get it done.

Am I Ready?

I feel pressured to take giant steps in my renewed belief in God. I like to live life in the slow lane, but I feel a constant question from the other side to rethink what happened last Sunday. Today the bishop asked me if I wanted a temple recommend. What? I have only taken the sacrament twice in 11 years and today is one of them. Why not? I am not doing anything against the standards of the church. I am a cloned Mother Theresa. I jest, but really the standards are not my problem. My problem is with God and the life I have been given. I feel like a cry baby sometimes, but it has been rough and there is not much sunshine for future days. In fact we are in a fight for our lives again. Harlen is looking at a year before he will be back to his norm. The transplant is being set up for about 2 months from now with all of the testing between him and the donor. Then it is 5 weeks in the hospital followed by 100 days living within a 30 minute drive to the hospital. We still have Giles and Lea at home. Our plan is to have Maya move home to take care of them while Harlen is in recovery. Giles is a senior. This is going to be interesting trying to juggle every event. But first things first Harvest is here and how will we do it all? One day at a  time and now I will be doing it in garments. Wow things change fast. I have felt naked lately. I guess it is time.

Rhiannon's birth dad was killed in an airplane crash on Wednesday. Kenneth was just 50 with 4 children and a loving wife that need him. How is this part of a plan?

After my recommend interview I was engulfed in ugliness. I was angry and shaking and scared wondering if I had done the right thing. It passed with Harlen by my side. There is peace in our home again. Peace in my heart. I am hopeful Harlen will make it through this. the odds mean nothing.

My day with a Seventy

Readers of this blog know the pain and bitterness I have had since Loughlin died, hell since Rhiannon died, since I was raped, since I was molested. I felt I was unworthy to be in the presence of others. I felt unloved. I felt like I was being punished for my horrible sins. Then when Harlen was diagnosed I wondered why it wasn't me or was that just another trial for this family.

But on Sunday a member of the Seventy came to visit our family. Everyone came to church. Cyrus, McKayla, True, Katlyn, Maya, Juve, Giles and Lea. Elder McCune came to talk to our family. He asked first if anyone had any questions. Harlen about bruised my ribs trying to get me to talk. I asked my prodding question that lingers in my mind for years. If there was a loving Heavenly Father that actually cared about us here on Earth, whether I was being punished for my bad choices, I was really asking if God knew me. He spent 35 minutes of his hour with us addressing my question. the spirit was divine in that room and I felt like the Savior was there. He told me God loves me, that I have a huge heart and that it is Satan putting the doubts in my mind and my heart, blaming me for my children's death, beating myself up, making me feel unworthy of being loved. Satan is still working on me as I write down my experience. I have been so low that I thought I would never feel the warmth of the Son again. I hated myself for so many years. He told me none of this was true and Christ's atonement made it possible for me to feel his love again. I felt a peace that was lacking for most of my life.

He then gave Harlen a blessing promising that he would see his grandbabies, plural. We have a different spirit in our home now. It is peaceful. It is hopeful. There is unconditional love for we all know #FamilyIsEverything .

Chronic Myelomonocytic Leukemia (CMML)

That was the diagnoses given to Harlen just weeks ago. This is going to be a fight, but we are ready for it. We have lived through so much together we can do this too. I am sad and angry and sad, but determined.

The enjoyment of a debilitating panic attack

Not really. There is no joy in panic attacks. In fact you think you are dying and maybe you will one day. Of course you will one day, die. but a panic attack feels like you are dying right then.  Your chest hurts. Your neck stiffens. You have shortness of breath and are dizzy. Your lips and fingertips, even your feet are tingling. Wait those are the symptoms of a heart attack. Could I be having a heart attack? I am fat and completely out of shape. Questions like these make you panic more. Should I go to the Dr and get that same pandering pat on the back? Or will that only make you feel worse and kind of like a loser, which will add to the panic because your husband says he doesn't think you're a loser, but your extremities are numb for no fucking reason. YOU are a loser. Are you also crazy? You lost your balance going to pee and hit your head on the bathtub, but you are only dizzy because you are crazy, right? Why are you panicking he may or you may ask? How should I know? It could be the fact that you drove to Portland and back in 2 days for a softball camp that lasted until 6:30 pm, then there was an accident on the freeway and the sirens and lights make you think are we next? You still have a six hour drive. But this is insane? Driving until 2am is also insane, 3 days of complete insanity. A double shot in my arse again, but not for a real ailment like a migraine, but only because you feel like you are dying. You leave the Dr.'s office and you are stoned, and you are tired, but hey you are not in a total panic, but then the drugs wear off and you are once again panicked. How many Valiums can you take and still respond to human contact? If you take too many then you are in a panic you will run out before the end of the month. WTF! Where are the answers to my questions?

One sort of conclusion is don't DRIVE at all, never again.

She's having a baby

Cyrus and McKayla are pregnant and I am ecstatic! 9 weeks along looks like a January baby.

31 years later and my worst nightmare since Rhiannon's death

Woke up screaming in a cold sweat. It took me minutes before I realized I wasn't in 1988. Sitting up against my headboard, breathing erratic. Harlen frightened but understanding. No sleep would find me for 2 continuous nights. It was real to me. It wasn't reality, but it had been my reality. I am tired

Fahrenheit 451

My favorite book has a great quote on grief. Harlen and I listened to Fahrenheit 451 on our last roadtrip. I haven't read it since sophomore year in high school. I loved it again and wanted to share.

"Listen," said Granger, taking his arm, and walking with him, holding aside the
bushes to let him pass. "When I was a boy my grandfather died, and he was a
sculptor. He was also a very kind man who had a lot of love to give the world, and he helped clean up the slum in our town; and he made toys for us and he did a million things in his lifetime; he was always busy with his hands. And when he died, I suddenly realized I wasn't crying for him at all, but for the things he did. I cried because he would never do them again, he would never carve another piece of wood or help us raise doves and pigeons in the back yard or play the violin the way he did, or tell us jokes the way he did. He was part of us and when he died, all the actions stopped dead and there was no one to do them just the way he did. He was individual. He was an important man. I've never gotten over his death. Often I think, what wonderful carvings never came to birth because he died. How many jokes are missing from the world, and how many homing pigeons untouched by his hands. He shaped the world. He did things to the world. The world was bankrupted of ten million
fine actions the night he passed on." Ray Bradbury

Depression

Depression is a funny thing. It sweeps in for small reasons and decides on it's own how long to stay.

Today was the 1st time in a long time I just wanted to die. I have been alone way too much lately, too much time to think.

Growing Older

Everyday I grow older. You grow older. My kids grow older. Harlen grows older, and yet Loughlin stays 15 and Rhiannon stays that baby that I barely remember. He is Forever Fifteen...........

I want to start a non-profit organization that helps siblings who have lost a brother or a sister. I want to have group chats and group activities so that these kids don't feel alone in their pain. I would like someone to guide me in this endeavor.

Please comment below on how to start it. I want to call it #Forever15

Mirrors

I avoid mirrors as much as I can. Today as I was waiting for Harlen in the car, I looked in my rear view mirror. I was noticing all the wrinkles on my face. I thought of the years I have lived, but then I caught a glimpse of the scar below my lower lip, then the one above my right eye. The scars I have from running into the truck 11 years ago. Then as quick as I glanced in the mirror I was back in the suburban and Loughlin was dead on the bench behind me. The air left the van. I was left to my guilt and loneliness. Wrinkles to scars to I killed my son in less than 1 minute. PTSD? probably, but it is my life. This is not the life I chose. This is not a life I would choose even for my worst enemies. My family is everything to me.

Lea had a varsity game that we were on our way to. I was already in a mood. Lea didn't get to play. She was heartbroken. She cried. Lea never cries. She cried all the way home. She cried when we got home. She wrapped up in her comforter on her bed and cried. I went in and laid by her and cried with her. I hope it isn't how this year goes. I hope it gets better. Lea is a fantastic baller. She earned a spot on that team. I lived through 4 years of this with True. I am getting too old for the politics of this shit. I am tired. I love my baby girl. How do I sit back and watch another coach break my baby?

I got my new 10mm out and shot it for a while. I need the practice. True's going to come teach me how to be a better shot. I love that gun. Best Birthday present ever.

Today I just need an ear to listen.....I am not looking for you to fix me. Happy birthday Giles!

It's Giles's 17th birthday today. Another milestone in this family, and I can choose whether this milestone pulls me further into the abyss or I can celebrate that we all made it this far. I love this kid. He is amazing. He gets treated horribly by authority figures because of his hair and his inability to cow tow to the bullshit that attacks him. He is so strong, yet he loves to be told how proud you are of him. He treats with respect those who deserve it, but certainly is smart enough to ascertain those who don't. He is hilarious and plays the worst music in the world, but he loves it, and I love it when he smiles. He has experienced 2 more years than Loughlin did. 17 more years than Rhiannon did. There is the stone that sinks me further. I think I will just float on my back and rest a while. The deep can wait.

Spring but not really

I have had a long migraine, 7 days in fact, 9 shots, and finally I feel a little better today. The stress is taking over. Driving 8 hrs to my parents, worrying about my sick babies at home, staying a week helping my parents, driving 8 hrs home, never stopped raining. I know I have told you how much I hate driving. Life is a dream.

Giles and Lea started baseball and softball games yesterday. I watched from the car because I had just had a shot for my migraines. Giles pitched great 5 out of the 7 innings. His team just falling short of a victory. Lea is a freshman trying to play in the big leagues. Maybe she will play today. Giles is in Nyssa at 5pm and Lea in Notus at 5pm. I wish I could be in both places at the same time. Never enough of me.

It's still cold, perfect balling weather.

Inner

Storms a brewing.
Spirits are cooing.
Haunting my thoughts.
The have and have nots.
The silence is deafening.
Choking and threatening.
Where am I?Who am I? Am I really alive? Open my eyes. I can't drive.
You think you know how I feel, but you don't. You say open up, but I won't.
 I'm alone in my mind.
I'm one of a kind.
Another day passes by.
All I can do is just try.

Neverending Roller Coaster

I went to my niece's brother and sister in law's funeral on Saturday.  If you live close you know the story. The DeLeon's eere gunned down by Heidi's ex-husband on my birthday Sunday, January 6th. It was heart wrenching.  I could barely make it to the gravesite. I  hate funerals. Especially trauma based deaths.

My dad is turning 80 in February. He fell today and broke his pelvic/hip bone. I am stuck here feeling guilty because it is sale time and I am knee deep in our bull sale catalog.  Life never seems to slow down.  I am sooooo tired.

CHrIStmAS LeTtEr

Merry Christmas 2018

Lea is a Freshman and made the varsity volleyball team.

She never stops moving, involved in everything it seems.

The voice of an angel, yet the attitude of a lil’ devil.

Her achievements this year would make anyone revel.

Giles loves fast cars and can tell you everything about their horsepower.

He watches videos on how to make his eclipse faster for hours.

His baseball season seemed to last forever

Which pitch he should throw, man he is clever.

Maya graduated from high school and journeyed off to college.

To fill her head with mush and maybe some knowledge.

Getting great grades, missing her family, she has had quite a quarter.

Coming back to work at the school, she decided to make the drive shorter

True graduates in December with his associates, Business for Ag.

If personality gets a job, he has it in the bag.

He spends most his days with Katlyn hunting and fishing.

You can only imagine the wish his mom has been wishing.

Cyrus and McKayla have been married more than a year.

Happiness in life is what they appear.

Making his decision on what to do with his degree

Getting a job or a Masters, his future is free.

McKayla spends her day taking your blood pressure.

Being part of our family, she’s quite a treasure.

Harlen grew onions this year but the bulls are always on his mind.

He is always out looking for the best herd bull he can find.

He spends his free time with the kids and teaching the Word.

He does all of this and still takes care of our herd.

Exciting year for me, coaching softball for more than fifteen years.

Maya & I coached, in the end there were cheers.

For the 1^st time in our history we won the county championship.

Not to brag, but we just didn’t win we slaughtered. We whipped.

With Loughlin and Rhiannon not far from our thoughts.

Remembering the memories, there are really a lot.

Christmas time brings peace to our hearts.

The time we spend together are always the best parts.

We hope this letter finds you healthy and content.

Please know of our love and friendship that it’s sent.

Merry Christmas

The Garner Family

V-A-L Charolais Ranch

Chief

Chief
I buried my best friend today.
I know what you think, what you'll say.
When I was  depressed he never judged.
Just walked in front of me and gave me a nudge.
Loughlin used to tell me pet a dog everyday.
That will keep you happy and keep the sadness away.
He loved to play fetch with his toy shoe.
You might have been done but he was never through.
He didn't know he was a bird dig. He loved the cows.
He taught himself to herd them. I don't know how.
Memories fade I know after years.
But memories can't wipe away these tears

Fairy Godmother

Don't we all wish for that fairy godmother to come and make our lives easier. I have been so out of it for so long that even the smallest tasks take me forever. I am so out of shape. I am trying to clean my room. It is going to be a 3 day job. The tree is up though, not decorated yet, but up. 2 steps forward and one step back. I am fighting an ear infection also. I don't want to go to the Dr. again. I am tired of Dr.'s.

A reprieve

I hear stories of Alzheimer's patience who come back for a while. People who get 2-3 weeks of clearness, but then fall back into the unknown. I am afraid this is me. This is me because I lost my meds and because of the rough weeks I had before I asked for early refills. Now I am considered an addict. Me who only asked for 15 Valiums for the month because I didn't want to become addicted, but because of some crazy ass man in blue called me a killer, said I killed my son, I lost my mind for a while. Now my reprieve is gone and the depression is back. My husband treated like a queen for 3 weeks because he had his wife back, but now he will hate to be in the same room as me again. I am a downer. I am sad. I am suicidal. I hate my life.

I lost my Meds

I am having a rough day. I can't find my diazepam anywhere and I need it. I am panicked. I am having my 1st panic attack since changing meds. I need some help. I hope this is just a lil set back. 2 steps forward and 1 step back. Pray for me tonight.

The Creeping Darkness

There are so many things that have changed for me in the last two weeks. The biggest of which is I am happier. I actually am cleaning up my house, but that is going to take a while. I am so out of shape. Wallowing in self pity can certainly take it out of someone when it takes 10 years to snap out of it. I am tired though. I can feel the darkness creeping in and I hate it.

Volleyball season has ended for Lea, but she started pitching lessons last night. She will be starting pretty much from scratch. She wants to learn new and faster pitches so she is going to have to change almost all of her pitching technique. It is going to be a long process, but if anyone can do it, it is her.

Maya has decided to come back to TVCC for the Winter term. She is after all a mommy's girl. It will save her so much money and I really love her around.

Cyrus got all his paper work in and should be starting to substitute teaching soon. Maybe then he will know that is what he wants to do before starting the Masters program.

True and Katlyn spent 10 days on a elk hunt and saw nothing, so they froze their ass off for nothing. I am sure True still found fun in it.

Giles needs to improve his grades. He only cares about fast cars and cute girls. I hope he starts pitching soon.

Harlen has the corn and cow work left for this year. He is exhausted and we are talking about phasing us out of the farm. None of our kids want to take it over. He is too tired to do it all.

Please God keep these meds working. I love the new , old me.

October 27, 2018 . 10 years later

I woke up at 6:30 am this morning without an alarm. I sat and waited for 7:43am to come and go. I did and it did. Nothing changed. Loughlin is still gone and I am still missing him. I hope today is bearable. We are going to go to the movies later. True and Katlyn are hunting elk.  It's hard to keep the family together for days like these as the years move on. But we have a family still and life can still be happy at times and I am sure there will be sorrow, but we are a family and #familyiseverything .

Tomorrow is the 27th of October again

Ok tomorrow is the big bad day again. 10 years can you believe it? I can't. I have to say I can feel the sadness creeping in, but creeping is so much better than ramrodding. I should be sad. I should have triggers. Harlen is combining the same field with the same truck as the day of the accident, but I am ok with that. I have decided to stay home until he is finished. Why not? Why put yourself in that place? I miss Loughlin everyday. Everything around me reminds me what a great kid he was. He is gone and his chair at the table will never be filled, but that is just how it is. I can't fight the system anymore. I can't fight death himself. All I can do is try my hardest to raise the children that are here on this Earth. Try my best, and love my hubby everyday, even when he is a grump from the long hours of harvest. Tomorrow is that day but I miss Loughlin everyday, what is the difference?

A Reprieve from the endless negative thoughts

I have a very exciting update. After quitting Lithium I had a very bad 6 weeks. I was down. I was lower than I have ever been in my life. It was the time of year + the Nyssa cop accusing me of killing my son + no medicine = tornado. I was in hell. I thought of every way possible I could end my life, but it never ever rose to the level of killing myself. There is a wide line between not wanting to live and being dead. I never wanted to be dead.

Harlen finally talked me into seeing the doctor again. 2 weeks ago I went to my general. He put me on Depacoat with a tiny dose of zyprexa at night, along still with my prozac and valium when needed. I am a walking medicine cabinet, but the change is unbelievable. I am mostly me again. I am smiling, laughing, enjoying life.

 Homecoming for Giles was last week. I was so down I didn't even go take pictures. That seemed to be the straw.........











 even took the girls to see Donald J. Trump last Saturday. It was so much fun. He came to Elko, NV and I knew that was the closest he would come.

 

  





We also finished the onion harvest. What a relief. The rain was scaring us but we are done and grateful. Harlen even got me out there for 2 days. I am sore and my fingers are killing me from picking clods, but it felt good. But I am too old for that kind of labor. ugh

 

  Lea's last volleyball game was so much fun. They played so well. Way to end a terrific season, my lil Freshman Varsity Setter . You are beyond impressive! We love you ........

Fun times again. Planning a trip to the coast just before Christmas. I cannot wait to get a vacation in this year. Bella Beach, 2 houses, Lots of family, Lots of fun. Nothing like a Winter storm in December watching from a outside hot tub. I am so excited.

I had a bad day.

OMG Sometimes it feels like the accident was yesterday.  The farm trucks, harvest, the colors, the briskness in the air, football, Homecoming, election forthcoming. I have to convince myself that it has been 10 years since Loughlin died. The pain is so fresh, so raw. The mind is so foggy, confused. The soul so tattered, hopeless. The realization is back. The capability of keeping one foot in the past and one in the present is becoming impossible
 Why?  How? My heart is shredded. There is no peace for me today, but tomorrow will be better.  It has to be.

That's not me anymore

That’s not me anymore

I used to wake each day looking forward to a new endeavor.

I used to crack a joke. I was quick. I was clever.

That’s not me anymore.

I used to enjoy a huge crowd, eyes on me as I took the stage.

I read every book I could find and hung on every page.

That’s not me anymore.

I loved to cook all kinds of cuisine.

My house was never perfect, but it was clean.

But that’s not me anymore.

I loved the farm, the bulls, the cows and the lil calves.

Always content, never worried about the didn’t haves.

I’ll never be like that anymore.

I loved to watch my kids in everything they did.

Every song, every hit, every set, even when they slid.

It’s just not me anymore.

I loved my husband with every ounce of my soul.

We went everywhere together. Eternity was my goal.

That’s just not me anymore.

I can’t say I was always smiling, but the joy shined through.

Days I was down there was only just a few.

But I’m not like that anymore.

Back then I believed there was a God that cared about my life.

I believed in forever families and wanted to be a forever wife.

But I don’t believe like that anymore.

I spend days now wondering why I am even here.

All my mistakes and flaws are showing crystal clear.

Cuz that’s not my life anymore.

Getting out of bed each day shouldn’t be a struggle.

And at night I want to be alone. Never want to cuddle.

Happiness eludes me. I don’t feel it anymore.

I worry every moment, every day, every minute.

If this is it. I quit. I don’t want to be in it.

I don’t want to live anymore.

A Celebration of Loughlin's Life

Last night we invited friends and family to Red Lobster to eat and enjoy the  company. The love was so thick in the room that no sadness could come in. It was a wonderful night.  We had notes for guests to write memories on. I am reading them now. Red Lobster was good food, but the memories are a feast for the soul. 52 of our loved ones showed up to support our family. Lea couldn't come because of volleyball and Giles, the great big brother stayed behind with her.

Happy 25th Birthday Loughlin.

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1871888009527170&id=128211143894874

Video of Loughlin's 15 years with us. I can't even start to describe the heartache. Miss him everyday, hour, minute, second.
Always an empty chair.

Today 25 years ago my water broke

25 years ago today I was walking up the stairs at Harlen's grandpa's house and my water broke. We had been taking care of him, but that was just another disaster in my life. He called and told people I locked him in his room and didn't feed him. That wasn't true, but probably this day I would do just that. I hate people.

So tomorrow is that bright idea I had about a huge party for my dead son. WTF was I thinking? I am completely miserable. Have I mentioned I hate people.

Lea made the varsity volleyball team. Which is beyond awesome, but... I know there is always a but. She has a game tomorrow night against Vale, Nyssa's rival, ( I think team, school rivals are asinine, but I will play nice) She was a JV player, but then she is the star setter and she will miss Loughlin's party. So will Giles miss it just in case there is the slightest of chance that they can make it for the last moments of a celebration of a 10 year dead son. Then there is Maya that is so excited for her sister, but yet has to be so jealous that she never had the chance to play. Because of me, because 10 years ago I hit a parked farm truck and ruined the lives of everyone around me. But Maya is smiling and cheering and so excited for the sister she loves. I sometimes tell her she is a lot of like me. What a complete farce. She is nothing like me. She loves. She forgives. She shows this stalwart personality like she can't be hurt, even when she is so hurt. She is amazing in so many ways. She is tired of her mom. She is pretty close to hating me. I think this is the moment other parents talk about, when they can't wait to get them to become adults. I have never felt this way. the mom daughter relationship is so different. My first relationship with my daughter only lasted 2 weeks. I am clearly not good at this. I  no nothing about what a real girl/ young women wants because I really never lived that life.

She leaves for school on Thursday. Another child leaving the nest. Another step closer to the moment I am no longer needed on this earth. I should be happy I guess. I am . I am proud of her and her drive. There will no longer be any noise in my house during the day again. I am not ready for that. I am not ready to act cheerful as people celebrate the fact Loughlin will never be 25. He won't be because I KILLED him.

Rhiannon is dead
Loughlin is dead
Cyrus doesn't even like to be in the same room as me.
True is my protector, but he need not be. He needs to worry about his life.
Maya pretty much could do without me.
Giles doesn't even know I exist.
Lea, well Lea is just consumed with her perfectness.

Only a decade a go it seemed almost good. WTH happened??????????

Optimistic Labels

I hate words like CPR Cardiopulminary Resuscitation. It doesn't resuscitate. The JAWS OF LIFE doesn't actually bring someone to life.

I am depressed. I can't get off my ass. I can't clean. I really don't family around. I don't want anyone around.

Lay the Blame where it belongs

I have spent 9 years blaming my shakes on the medicine, my sadness on the medicine, my jerks on the medicine, my every downfall on my medicine. Well guess what no medicine and I just want to quit, quit living, quit breathing, quit worrying, quit crying, quit caring, quit hurting, quit feeling guilty, quit everything,

I am once again a coward and cannot quit, but I can stay in my pajamas all day, have headaches that hurt so bad I want to cry, but there are no tears left for such trivial bullshit. They should give morphine drips for mind hurts just like they do body aches. Stick a catheter in, IV morphine, even a bag. I will just sit here and pout for the day, week, month, year, lifetime.

I plan this huge party for Loughlin's birthday like it is going to make this excruciating pain to go away. I am sooooooo fucked up. I have fucked up everyone's life that touches mine.

Beck, “I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?”

I am back

I am off the pink pill for 10 days now.  I have anxiety, but not anymore than I did on the pill. The fog is almost completely gone. I am looking through washed windows, not my windows in my house but in my soul. My house is a wreck. I keep putting off my much needed paperwork, thank you cards, tax questions. bills, but Loughlin's birthday keeps my mind occupied. What if no one shows but my family who has too, or maybe someone shows up because I put it on his page, which I shouldn't have. I am weaning myself off social media a little at a time. It isn't social and it just pisses me off. No one is that happy. No one is that pathetic. No one is that depressed unless they take a gun and stick it in their mouth. BOOM. It is fake. I will miss the politics. I might miss my extended family, but they are extended for a purpose. Right????  Lea is neck deep in volleyball and she is awesome. Maya leaves for college in 10 days, UGH it will be so hard without her. Giles only thinks about hopping up his already fast car giving his mom heart palpitations. Cyrus is still working on the farm getting his substitute teaching license together. McKayla is working at a health clinic in Ontario. True only thinks about hunting and his girlfriend Katlyn. He didn't show up for Sunday dinner today. You can lead a horse to water.......blah blah blah blah blah  Life is better than it was because I no longer shake like I have Parkinson's. My hair is falling out in droves, but hair is just another thing you have to mess with. Funny am I better?

This is not a cry for help

There has been this lingering thought in my head most of my life. I don't belong. There is this utility knife on the counter in my kitchen. I don't know who left it there or why. I haven't thought that part through. I don't really care. I only care that it is there. Tempting as it seems. There is so many ways to ease this pain I face everyday. Overdose, Driving off the road to the dam, Guns galore, but this knife entices my thoughts of the unseemly demise of my soul. It would be easy, yet messy. Where would be the cleanliness, but when have I ever cared about sticky floors. My life has always been so fucking cluttered, complicated, sloppy, and frankly dire. Yet this sharp razor knife has kept my attention for moments. Who am I kidding? It's all I think about. I would never do this to my babies, my husband, yes, but not my kids. They have suffered insurmountable damage at my hands. The POPO was correct. I killed my son. I probably killed my baby girl too. She was mine.  He was mine. I was in charge of their everything, and I failed. I failed grievously. I quit the medicine that was supposed to be keeping me level, but it wasn't keeping me level. It was keeping me numb, dead inside, dull, even callous, but that pink pill kept me alive, breathing, but what is living, breathing without feeling? It isn't living. You are right. I might as well have been in a coma for 9 years. I could only wish I was in the coma, because then I wouldn't have been filled with the ugly emotions that creeped in and took over my life, the guilt, the anxiety, the anger, the guilt, the guilt, the guilt. So this is 1 week off those horrible, sinister, menacing, horrid, vile pink pills that made me shake uncontrollably, that made jerk, so I couldn't even enjoy my succulent black beverage that is ALWAYS my favorite part of my morning. For 2 months I have refrained from the coffee because I was tired of being burned, but most of all I was tired of the ugliness that surrounded that fucking pink pill. I am not capable of living without that fucking pink pill, yet how would I know? How would I know with my addiction to this lousy pink pill? Sure for a year after Loughlin died I was a fucking wreck. I did horrible things, made terrible choices. I wanted to die. The guilt. Is there a worse emotion? It engulfs your whole being. your every thought, your every word, your every dream, your everything. The guilt of losing Rhiannon made me a better mom, but a lousy wife. The guilt of killing Loughlin, killed me. I died 3,602 days ago, 86,642 hours ago, 5,198,520 minutes ago. I have been part of the walking dead for almost 10 years. Surely not the walking dead that is on TV with the fingers falling off and wanting to devour human flesh, but I am walking and I am dead. 💔

Day 6 of my detoxification

I have made it 6 days while detoxifying from the poison passed off as a helpful drug. I have spent these days suffering from nausea, vomiting, dizziness, foggy mind, shaking, tired and really completely miserable, but i can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I want my personality back. And I was funny this morning. I used to could come up with a song for every situation. I did it again yesterday and not just once, but many times. I am not having racing thoughts. I am mostly tired. I am hoping for a better life after this toxin is out of my body, drinking a cup of coffee without spilling because of the shaking and jerking.   Hopeful once again. 💔😅