Oh they crawl around stealing the hours I need to sleep.
on the ceiling, their claws make wretched scratches
but the light shows no sign? Am I losing my mind?
I hear a heartbeat that abruptly comes to a halt.
Heartbeats beat strong until they don't beat at all.
I have been at the end of the rhythm thrice.
The pain is unbearable. Can you see me?
Wait there is a new smell, a happy smell, that of dust and moisture.
Taking me back to the time when life was simple.
I am a child riding in the back of dad's Rivera.
The music is playing a happy song. Is that the Beach boys? Does it Matter?
I am happy.
I shall not be that way very often.throughout my life.
I will not allow myself.
Remember that yellow VW I drove around town getting in trouble?
That was years after that man touched me underwater.
Leaving me scarred, filthy, unclean.
A child, yet now a tarnished soul.
I am in pain. Can you hear me?
Of course not for I am silent.
Wine 'coolers for free.
They are not that much older than me and Mer.
What could go wrong? I drink way too much.
Crawl to the bedroom just to lie down, head spinning.
Wake up to a crushing weight on top of me.
My virtue is stolen. I feel dead.
Of course no one listens to the girl who was impregnated at 17.
The fingers point in my direction.
I tell myself I don't care.
I was alone.
By choice, but alone.
A beautiful baby girl arrived.
2weeks pass full of bliss and love
I decide I can do it
I am alone. but not by choice
Yet I have this little beautiful baby girl.
She sleeps next to me
She dies next to me in my bed, cold, blood.
It's my honeymoon.
He makes me feel so low.
I shudder at my image.
I am alone again.
Years pass.
A baby boy arrives.
You can't get off the track.
A new baby boy, another lil boy, then that special girl.
Life seems sublime.
What is over the horizon?
A bigger baby boy and our surprise girl.
Is this happiness?
We are late for school.
I have a funeral to be to.
I drive down the hill. The sun blinds me.
My oldest son is cold, brain matter spills out on the seat.
What have I done?
A Loving God?
The ocean, so blue, with its crashing waves.
It is my solace. It is my proof of His existence or is it?
I am relaxed with the family.
My soul still lingers for something more.
Tears fall from my eyes.
Can this be true?
I am 50. My life is ugly again. There is no light.
He lays in the cold ground.
He fought. We fought. We lost. The cancer won.
Breathing is almost impossible.
I feel like a stranger in a strange place.
I am in pain can you here me?
