Realizing I have always been a loner

I sit in this room all day long while Harlen gets phone call after phone call from all of his friends, but I just listen to the one sided conversations. I have never been a good friend. I realize that now. I am pretty lonely. I have built my life around my family, Harlen and my kids, not much for a friendly lunch.If I had time I liked being alone. I used to sneak off to a movie by myself whenever I could after I got my driver's license. I worked and swam and worked and swam. I wouldn't consider any other women someone I couldn't live without. I can see the error in my ways now, a little late, but I see it. After this quarantine will I try to be different? Probably not. I like my shell. It is thick and ugly and no one likes to come near. I find that bearable. I don't talk. I mean really talk. I will open up to Harlen once in a great while but that is even few. I give my heart to those who deserve it, those who need it. I show my soul to those who want to know it. I give my heart to those who will not break it. I don't trust very many with it. Most people are blind to the words they write, deaf to those they speak, emotionless, to the feelings they crush. If I could take all the 'for my good' words that have been spoken to me and tear open my soul and spew them out I might be a different woman. I was going to say lady, but I don't see myself that way. I see my myself as a feminine in the case that I am a mother, but I can be cold to those that look down on me or up to me or don't pay attention at all. 

I know this is about Harlen. He is the one with cancer, but I am the one that is grieving the life I will never have. The months that are taken away while I lock myself in this prison. He needs me. Today has been a dark day, a lonely day, a day that needs to end. I am miles away from my kids and they have been my life for, well forever. They heal me. They make me smile with pride. They are my greatest accomplishment. So my funeral might be small, but my children will know I loved them most, my husband will know he is the most important thing in my life. Tomorrow is the last day of intravenous chemo. I pray that it worked this time because these walls are closing in and 6 weeks more seems like a lifetime.

Funny how no one will read this because it isn't uplifting and joyous, but come on cut me some slack. I have been sleeping on a couch for 50+days. #CancerSucks