Realizing I have always been a loner

I sit in this room all day long while Harlen gets phone call after phone call from all of his friends, but I just listen to the one sided conversations. I have never been a good friend. I realize that now. I am pretty lonely. I have built my life around my family, Harlen and my kids, not much for a friendly lunch.If I had time I liked being alone. I used to sneak off to a movie by myself whenever I could after I got my driver's license. I worked and swam and worked and swam. I wouldn't consider any other women someone I couldn't live without. I can see the error in my ways now, a little late, but I see it. After this quarantine will I try to be different? Probably not. I like my shell. It is thick and ugly and no one likes to come near. I find that bearable. I don't talk. I mean really talk. I will open up to Harlen once in a great while but that is even few. I give my heart to those who deserve it, those who need it. I show my soul to those who want to know it. I give my heart to those who will not break it. I don't trust very many with it. Most people are blind to the words they write, deaf to those they speak, emotionless, to the feelings they crush. If I could take all the 'for my good' words that have been spoken to me and tear open my soul and spew them out I might be a different woman. I was going to say lady, but I don't see myself that way. I see my myself as a feminine in the case that I am a mother, but I can be cold to those that look down on me or up to me or don't pay attention at all. 

I know this is about Harlen. He is the one with cancer, but I am the one that is grieving the life I will never have. The months that are taken away while I lock myself in this prison. He needs me. Today has been a dark day, a lonely day, a day that needs to end. I am miles away from my kids and they have been my life for, well forever. They heal me. They make me smile with pride. They are my greatest accomplishment. So my funeral might be small, but my children will know I loved them most, my husband will know he is the most important thing in my life. Tomorrow is the last day of intravenous chemo. I pray that it worked this time because these walls are closing in and 6 weeks more seems like a lifetime.

Funny how no one will read this because it isn't uplifting and joyous, but come on cut me some slack. I have been sleeping on a couch for 50+days. #CancerSucks 

Hello from the Inside

I am writing from the self made bunker of the Huntsman Center in SLC, Utah. Harlen's last biopsy came back dirty with leukemia so we are once again trying a new chemotherapy for 3 weeks and because of the Corona Virus I had to make the decision to stay here or leave. Well they told me I had to leave but I prayed that they would make an exception for us because I had barely left his side in 5 weeks. The word came from the top that I was one of 3 that could stay. I was relieved, but knew it was going to be hard to stay away from my kids and grand baby for another 8 weeks. It wasn't a question though to leave Harlen by himself. We are in this together. So my agoraphobia had finely paid dividends. I didn't want to leave Harlen so I didn't and because I had stayed with him for 2 weeks straight; They let me stay.  Today is day #3 of 21. I took a nap and the day was somewhat shorter. I was shaken from my sleep by another nightmare of loved ones dying and me breaking down. But I snapped out of it quickly without any meds to help me. I am getting stronger. I miss my kids fiercely. I always put my priorities on a scale. Harlen tops that scale right now, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell to be away from my kids, especially with the uncertainty in this world. I pray frequently for all my loved ones, and I hope we can overcome the boredom of living in a hospital room knowing the boogeyman lurks outside and inside our minds and this world.

Agoraphobia

Agoraphobia (ag-uh-ruh-FOE-be-uh) is a type of anxiety disorder in which you fear and avoid places or situations that might cause you to panic and make you feel trapped, helpless or embarrassed. You fear an actual or anticipated situation, such as using public transportation, being in open or enclosed spaces, standing in line, or being in a crowd.

The anxiety is caused by fear that there's no easy way to escape or get help if the anxiety intensifies. Most people who have agoraphobia develop it after having one or more panic attacks, causing them to worry about having another attack and avoid the places where it may happen again.

People with agoraphobia often have a hard time feeling safe in any public place, especially where crowds gather. You may feel that you need a companion, such as a relative or friend, to go with you to public places. The fear can be so overwhelming that you may feel unable to leave your home.

Agoraphobia treatment can be challenging because it usually means confronting your fears. But with psychotherapy and medications, you can escape the trap of agoraphobia and live a more enjoyable life.

I find my fears getting worse because I have to go everywhere by myself and I am not sure of myself driving in Salt Lake. I am fat. I haven't had my hair done for about 6 months. I look horrendous. I hate that I have to go get my food up on the 6th floor by myself. I hate being in the elevator by myself, in my car by myself, and in the post office in the campus store by myself. The only place I like being alone is at home and I haven't been there in such a long time.. I have been so accustomed to being with Harlen all of the time that it has spoiled me. I am freaking out because I am going to a new place to get my hair done tomorrow at 4. I am already sick with anxiety.