Migraines

I know I have talked about my migraines in the past, but I am having a bad one today, yesterday, the day before and most debilitating tonight. It is 1:30 am. this is way past my bedtime. I can't afford to have one right now. I am Harlen's caretaker. What if they think I cannot do this. He has to have a caregiver 24/7 after the transplant. Am I up for this task? I miss home. I miss the kids and my grandson. I miss my life before cancer. I almost have forgotten what that life was like then. Then I feel guilty for feeling crappy when Harlen is in the fight of his life. What kind of wife am I? You have to step up I keep telling myself. This is his. I can't keep raining on his torrential downpour. I watch him sleep and imagine what a horrible life it would be without him. He is sick. Sometimes he is really sick, but he is sick all of the time. Cancer sucks! Funny how people only think of cancer when it affects their circle. "You know that guy down the road with all those kids? He has cancer." or "She is only 35. How come she is dealing with this?" or even "Did you hear about Joe? He died last night with his family all around." How long do you think of these people fighting this horrible disease? How many times in a day do you wonder if they are going to make it? It never leaves my mind. Just like Rhiannon and Loughlin never leave my mind. Maybe the migraine is caused from lack of space in my brain.

 I am rambling tonight I know, but I am 6 hrs away from the only Dr. I trust and I am miserable.
I went to do a batch of laundry. Crazy I know, but I can't sleep and I can't watch Harlen sleep anymore. Too many thoughts are in my mind and I don't like any of them.

The Bull Sale - Harlen

We have had some hard sales in the past, after Val died, after Loughlin died, and after Deanie died, but this is going to be the hardest yet. Harlen is back in the hospital with complications from the chemotherapy. We will be doing this sale without him. He is our rock. He has always been the provider, but True stepped up, and Giles stepped up and the girls are miraculous.. We need to make him proud, take the stress off of him. Pray for a good turnout. We need it.

Banished

As most of you know Harlen's last bone marrow biopsy came back showing cancer, not as much as last time but it is there. We came down to the Huntsman Center today and I feel like a fish out of water. I feel banished from everything I know. I don't believe I knew it was going to be this hard. I miss my kids and my grandbaby. I miss the country and the roads with no cars. I miss the nice nurses at St. Luke's. I miss being able to eat dinner with my husband because they don't want me to order from his room. I miss my bed and have I mentioned I miss my kids. The bull sale is going to be so hard. I fly our Saturday night for the sale and come back Thursday to see Harlen. Life is still a journey. Pray our sale goes well.

The Sweetest Gift on Earth

What can I say? Being a Grammy is the greatest thing on Earth. I thought that having my own kids, each of them was the greatest event to happen in my life. All seven of them were completely amazing, but on January 24th, 2020 our little August was born. He was a whopping 8lbs 14oz. He made it into this world via c-section. It was such a beautiful and sacred experience to be in the room with McKayla while she labored, The heavens felt like they had opened and the spirits were all around. We love this new little grandson more than anything in the world. He is the brightest spot in our universe.

He is now 2 weeks old and he is so beautiful and sweet. Like Frank on Everybody Loves Raymond I just breathe in life. I love him.