Down and out

1,2 shell
Ring the bell
Living hell
Clearance sale
On my life
Shitty wife
Trials rife
Sharp knife
Neck or wrist
Get the gist?
Moments missed
Feeling pissed
Nauseated
Ankles weighted
Looking dated.
Always hated.
Life's a clash.
An irritating rash.
beneath teeth gnash
Left recycled trash.
People try to save
Not realizing what I gave
2 in the grave.
Now 1 to his mind a slave.
Giving up is painless
No one's getting famous
Keeping up is brainless
No god I am faithless.

A Hello can change your life, at least your attitude

Yesterday Cyrus came in the house in the morning and said Hello Mom. Can I have a cup of coffee? It's been months since he said something nice to me. He is working out here on the farm to earn money for bills. He hates charity even from us. He wants to pay his way. I see hope now when before  I only say dismay. I love this man so much.

Then on the other hand Maya thinks she is moving out when she turns 18. Life is a struggle. Buddha can you slow the struggle down?

Depression is a killer dsease

Having depression and PTSD is terminal yet no one knows, It isn't contagious although people think it is. It is for the most part  a death sentence , Now we can add mania and bipolar to the mix.

I had another migraine yesterday and another shot. I am going to go broke with the cost. I am a bit stoned still today so bear with me.

Parent Teacher conference was last Friday, What a joy. Lots of people, Lots of kids, Teachers that have no passion for their work. A choir teacher that is so horrendous that the select choir has gone from 40 to 15. How sad. She gave Maya a D-. WTF she shows up everyday, sings what else is needed. She looked and what do you know she had calculated things wrong. Surprise,surprise, surprise. The kids received chromebooks at the first of the year. They make the teachers lazy. I hate school. I always have even when it was me.

A break from the mundane

5 days of baseball in Bend and John Day. Maya is supposed to be taking stats for the baseball team again but they have decided they only have money for the BOYS and her commitment to take stats means nothing. So I didn't want her to miss out of this opportunity. I drove her to Bend and we stayed the night. t was an invaluable time together. She is a senior and she will be leaving soon for college. We talked and laughed and watched stupid things on the TV. A day later we were off to John Day to stay in a cheap hotel and freeze our asses off. Lea tagged along because Harlen was delivering bulls. She didn't want to go but she had a blast. We ate too much , laughed too hard. Giles got to pitch n Bend and in John Day he played 1st base and pitched. He really did a great job and I was glad I could watch him. 5 days away from home was just what the doctor ordered. I was cold 90% of the time. The hotel smelled like an old folks home but I didn't think about the problems at home, maybe once or twice.

Then I came home to knowing Cyrus ran out of medication and some people thinking he is doing better. Better? 3 months with only being called a cunt, bitch whore and accusing me of killing Rhiannon and Loughlin. Hey that's something!

Momma said there would be days like this..............

I could say I woke up in a foul mood, but you would actually have to sleep to wake up in any kind of mood. I am obsessed with checking Cyrus' Facebook account to see if he is awake like me. 2 nights ago we were both up all night, him posting, me waiting to see his posts. Then I spent the day at a volleyball tournament with Lea. The noise and the people in such a small area put my PTSD in full throttle. I am out of valium. I took it way to often with everything that is going on in my life. Now I am stuck in a constant state of panic. The brontosaurus that is resting on my chest refuses to move. I picked the brontosaurus because an elephant just doesn't explain the feeling and when Loughlin was a child the long neck was his favorite dinosaur. I can't get over the words of my supposed loving husband that I am the spawn of the devil and I caused Cyrus' mental illness. It makes me sick. I have the worst problem with guilt anyway I just want to thank him for adding to it. I killed Rhiannon because I did not wake up on time. I killed Loughlin because I can't drive a fucking suburban to school in the morning and now I am responsible for. Cyrus because I am angry at God and I don't follow my husband's religion. He teaches Gospel Doctrine in church. Sunday's lesson was on Abraham and Sara and Sodom and Gomorrah . I told him that God condones Adultery, Rape and Incest. He didn't think I was funny, but really Abraham and Hagar, Lot's daughters got him drunk and raped him. OMG and I am the malevolent one.

I hate that I sit in silence about Cyrus' illness. Why is mental illness frowned upon? If he was suffering from kidney disease everyone would be concerned. They would check in on him. They would feel empathy for him. Instead they treat him like a leper. Do you know what I would give to talk to Cyrus again, just for 5 minutes, 10. I miss him so much. It is like he is here but a shell. Have I already lost him?

Reintroduction & Persecution

Last week Harlen and I delivered bulls. We took them to an incredible guy that Harlen knows very well. I guess I had met him before but i don't remember. He and his wife have been through hell this last year. False accusations ruined is life. But last Monday his son committed suicide in the most horrifying way. He had been fighting mental illness for years and he was done. I haven't slept well since. I am scared for Cyrus. OMG I could not live through losing another child.

Why this happened to our family? Well Harlen told me last night it is because of me. It is because I curse God for taking my kids. It is because I don't believe, that I don't do everything his God requires, so Cyrus getting sick is my FAULT. If only I was a better person. Organized religion is a plague on society.

48 years old

I am 48. I feel twice my age. Not so much physically as mental, emotional. I feel like I have lived an entire life. I am so tired. Losing Cyrus, not to death, but to me. The hole in my soul just keeps getting larger. The cold air blows through it. The heart is frozen.

I think my family would be better without me. My body should be cremated and scattered across the ocean. I will forever be at peace with the sounds of the waves, the trees and rocks, the blue water surrounds me.

Maya is a senior. She is getting totally ripped off because her mom is fucking insane. I took her pictures last week but I can't even get the energy to edit them and send them off to the printers. I have bills and taxes to get done but my mind is worthless. My hubby wishes he was married to a better version of me. He wouldn't leave me, but he lets me know how disappointed he is in my abilities in this life, There are so many women who are amazing. I am a joke.

Will he Remember

Will he recall?

Will he recall?

When he was small?

The trips to the coast?

You caught the most?

The many drives to the lake?

Papa’s bear for God’s sake?

Will he remember?

The fun every December?

Waiting up for Santa Clause?

Riding the motorcycle at Papa’s?

Our trips every year to Red Bluff?

Breaking the steers tough?

Will he be reminiscence?

His mind showing puissance?

The simple jokes he told at the table?

When our life was fun and stable?

Our trip to Denver to listen to Dylan?

Will his mind be willin’?

Styx and Def Leopard for the 1^st time?

That Boy Scout Climb?

How much I love him?

All before it seemed so grim?