Weddings

Last night Harlen and I went to a reception of a very good friend of Loughlin's. We have stayed close to the family because our kids are close in age, 4-H and the fair. I love his mom to death. She is one of the most genuine people in the world.

That said I usually do not go to weddings of Lough's friends. It is agony. It is like a knife slicing through your soul and pulling out another piece of your heart, with the extra topping being the guilt you feel for feeling ripped off again when you should feel happy for the new couple. I felt happy for a while then the little branches of jealousy crept in to the soul.

I left the party nauseated and so full of anxiety and guilt that I was trembling. That should have been Loughlin. He should be entering into a joyous union with a beautiful young girl. I should be looking forward to grand babies. Actually if you want to rub salt in my open wound today you could say Rhiannon would be married, kids. This is not the plan I had for life. My children's deaths have sent my life on a road I never wanted to travel, but yet I am there and sometimes it is ugly and unbearable, but the light shines through and I see the joy through my other children. This life, different than I had dreamed, can still be joyous.

   I Lava You  My favorite song!