5 Years

This morning marked 5 years since the accident and losing Loughlin. My day started at about 6:30 am but I didn't get up. I just laid quietly in my bed. I heard someone get up but I just laid there in my bed not moving. I was thinking about everything that happened the morning before I hit the truck, the morning that altered our lives forever. I remember being in such a hurry and back then I piled way too much on my own plate. There was a funeral that morning. I was supposed to bring a dessert, someone had a Dr.'s appointment and I was distracted. I am sure my voice was elevated as is one of my many faults. I might have even lost it a couple of times. That was me. I was that kind of mom. I remember at least being on time. Making Loughlin and Cyrus change places, it was Cyrus' turn right or was I being hard on Loughlin. Harlen always told me I was harder on him than the rest. I never meant to be. He was the oldest. He was who everyone looked up to, and he was an incredible example to all his siblings. I feel guilty, horribly guilty for this. I hope he doesn't hate me for ending his life. I hope he knows that if I was harder on him, it was because he was so strong and smart and he was going places, big places. If I had known I would only have 15 years with him, I would have not parented the way I did. I would have slowed down. I would have let him know how proud I was of him everyday. He really never disappointed me. He portrayed strength beyond his years.

At about 7:45 I could take it no more. 5 years ago it would have been over. He would have been gone. I still couldn't find the tears. I have learned to keep these tears inside as much as I can. It was the primary program at church. I had to muster the strength to go to the last place I want to be on this day. Giles and Lea had parts and Lea loves, loves, loves to sing. I broke down though when my phone buzzed and some friends had wrote on Loughlin's wall, " We love and miss you so much" . My strength melted like water on a witch. I started to cry hard/ Everyone around me thought I had been touched. I know this sounds blasphemous but I haven't been touched in years. Oh well maybe I might be taken off the call list. You know the one where the council talks about you and instructs people to call......Maybe you have never been there. Me I have been on there since 5 years ago, except for the fact that most people are scared of me because I am so damn scary and mean to so many people, that I get few assigned phone calls. (Really i don't see myself as mean but as honest, I am totally misunderstood.haha) I finally got up the nerve to tell Harlen I was going home when the program was over. He surprised me and took us all to eat wings. Loughlin loved wings. It was a nice break from the constant thought of losing Loughlin.

On the way home the heaviness came in like the mist on a winter morning. The air disappeared. I found my new best friend,(my headphones), I put them on and locked out the world. I locked out everything that is wrong around me. I locked out the way I feel about myself. I locked out the guilt that quietly haunts me every day. I came home closed my eyes and slept. I slept for hours. I wish I could have just kept sleeping until tomorrow, maybe forever.

Fall Life

"Isn't it beautiful outside?" When she said the words, I thought is it? I haven't noticed. In fact in 5 years I have yet to find anything particularly stunning during these Fall months. Did I use to like the Fall? I can't even remember. Everything now reminds me of the death of my son. The leaves on the ground and the shotguns being fired in the distance take my mind back to the area in my life that I can barely still think about 1821 days later, Loughlin, pheasant and deer hunting, The sun shining in my eyes as I drive my kids to school...Was that the reason I missed that massive Truck staring me down? I don't remember but does it really matter? Remembering that football coach that took Loughlin's position away from him because Loughlin had stayed home from camp to help his dad with the farm, now True deals with this same man. So many mixed emotions are bottled up inside this mind today. Loughlin quit. We never had ever let our kids quit after they had started a sport, but why? what a stupid standard. He was right. I got to spend more time with him. It was actually a blessing but do I thank the ass who made him feel less than adequate, that still feels he should make boys trying their best feel these same feelings? No. I have a hard time looking at him. Cyrus at school exceeding, what an incredible blessing but shouldn't I have two there? September 18th was his 20th birthday. I remember that. I was having a hard time. Cyrus gone, but who can I talk to?,When the person who loves you most tells you that at some point you have to get on with life. Why would you open up to anyone else. doesn't anyone out there feel this pain? The pain that crushes my heart at each morning prayer, that we will be safe. What is safe? If heaven is a better place wouldn't it in all likelihood be better for all of us to be dead and gone, safe, happy? The cliches' about losing a child are mind numbing, nauseating, none of which are true. I really hate this life without my two children but Loughlin's loss is fresh. Rhiannon's seems a lifetime ago, when being an unwed mother was a scarlet letter seared to your chest, so to talk about a child out of such a scandal would be blasphemy. So I never talked. I just shoved it down deep in my soul, never to see the light, never to be heard of again. There is no room left to shove the pain of losing Loughlin. The holes are all full. Where would you like me to put this pain if I can not show it, talk about it? Did you see me driving down the road, alone in my van, screaming my angst to the world? I looked crazy I know but when have I ever cared how I looked or what you thought? I heard the story of the deal making mama again the other day. My hell if it were that easy don't you think we would have all made a deal with God?
Protect my kids and I will teach them to walk in your light. And yet the darkness you have bestowed on my heart I no longer can see your light. Sometimes there is a beacon in the distance but the tumultuous waves that keep engulfing every part of my being hide the light from me. The cold and dark waters do not allow me to see or feel the light. I grow so weary. If not for these beautiful children that look to me for their every need, I would fall down upon my knees, ask to be smited, asked to be freed from this misery. So is it beautiful out there? Today might not be the day to ask...........