I watched a movie on Sunday named "October Sky". It was a Christian drama, which at first I didn't think would affect me. A story about a girl who was a survivor of a botched abortion but it did get to me. Her twin brother died because they were born at 24 weeks. The dad said to his daughter, I was so overprotective and controlling not because I didn't trust you but because I didn't trust the Lord. I finally found an explanation for my behavior with my kids over the last 19+ years. I didn't sleep hardly a wink until they reached a year old and after that I was so protective, you could say controlling, but why not? I was so afraid of losing another baby after losing Rhiannon that I didn't trust the Lord. I have been told that over and over since losing Loughlin, trust the Lord. I never framed myself as a Charlie Brown, but Lucy is putting that football down again and asking me to kick it. How many of you would put it all on the line and try to drive the football through the uprights again? Once bitten, twice shy, well how about twice bitten. I have no control over what the Lord does, and I have to wonder how he really has control over my life. If he does WHY?
1 comment:
I was so excited when I checked your blog earlier today and was able to get on. I've really missed it. I'm always looking for people who have situations that are similiar to mine. I know it's weird to say but your blog is one of my favorites.
Today is my son Nick's birthday. He would have been 21.
There's nothing quite like celebrating the birthday of your dead child. It's such a sickening feeling.
Anyway.. after reading your last few posts I guess I just wanted to say that people who haven't been there don't get it. I really believe that most of them mean well. They want to help so they give advice, but they just don't get it. They can't. And I'm okay with that. I'm used to it now. I smile and say thanks and I let it go. I know I have to work through things my way. I hope you'll be able to do the same thing. It's all so much harder when you have people telling you what you should be doing. This is your journey.
gardnerkath@yahoo.com
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