Life moves forward

I know it has been forever since I have taken time to write on this blog. I have been struggling through these days. We had our annual sale and the energy it takes to put it all together is all I have. I have been running on empty. My kids have been getting a lot of empty. I am always tired. This ongoing mourning process is tiring almost all of the time. Phone calls from colleges have started up again and the letters in the mail are constant. all of these reminders of what our life should have been. I feel as though I am in a repeating episode of the Christmas Carol. I am stuck with the ghost showing me what should have been.

Harlen told me he felt blessed after our sale was such a success. I don't know if I ever will feel blessed again. It's like taking away your life savings and then giving me a quarter and want some sort of gratefulness. I am not there. I still sit in a dismal state of want. I want him back. I feel like a spoiled child asking again and again for the same thing, knowing I will never get it. Don't you know that you took my heart and my soul when you took him from me. Don't you know our family will never be whole without him here. When we have a good meal together, everyone talking, laughing, having a good time, with no anger, I feel guilty because we are moving on and the guilt pulls me back in to the mist of pain that follows us. My babies need their brother. I am so sad. I miss you so much Loughlin. Everyone is growing up, moving on and I will never see you do any of it. Graduation is just 3 months away. I love you buddy.