3 years and 1 hr ago

I know, I know 3 years but the pain still remains so strong. I am breathless and weak today. My kids are in school. Harlen is working. So I guess I lost and it will be a day like any other day but not for me and not for my soul that is crying out. I wish I could find something to ease the pain today. I think I would almost try anything.

Darkness Looms

The 3 year mark is drawing near and my heart is sinking like a poorly thrown skipping stone. Harlen told me that days are just days. I wish I could say the same. My days are not the same, some are not worth noting and others shake my existence. I have a feeling Thursday will be one of those days.

My Aunt Norma died last week. Well she was my Great Aunt and she was just that, Great. I loved my Grandma's sisters, each one of them. They all had a special place in my heart and there is but one left. I am sad. I would have rather spent the day with one of them, than spent it with my favorite movie star. Each moment spent in conversation with these great women was a treasure chest for my heart. They lived through such trials and each and everyone of them was a heroine in my mind. I wish I could visit the other side for so many reasons.

Tonight hopefully a little bit of restful sleep, tomorrow acupuncture again. It seems to be helping. Who knows though?

Losing it, and no not my mind, well.......

I don't think I have mentioned much about Cyrus playing football this year. This is the first time he has played since the accident. In the the wreck both of his legs were crushed and twisted in with the rubble,in with what was left of the front end of our suburban. His recovery has been painful and slow. Before our life changed he was first string at everything he tried. He was so strong. He was talented. He had so much heart. This year he joined up again. We are attending a much smaller school, almost every boy plays football. It is as much social as athletic. He decided to play and for over 3 months he has dealt with so much pain in his legs. Pain so severe he will be up at night because the pain won't let him sleep. He doesn't run the same. Everything is so much harder than it once was. He is not first string. He hasn't missed one day of practice. He shows up and he works as hard as his body will let him. He might not have all his skills but he has HEART and he is so STRONG!

Finally yesterday there was a Jr. Varsity game and they were only taking 11 players. He was finally going to get the chance to show what he was made of and he was doing just that. He was playing so good, so hard. I was so happy for him. At half time they took him out. True came and told me it was because he was late for school that morning. In the past THIS school has let me excuse his tardiness with a note. I guess the policy is different on game days. This last week has been so rough on me. I haven't slept but maybe 2 hrs a night. That night I was up until about 4 when I finally fell asleep. I didn't wake up to the alarm. Harlen has been working 18-20 hr days trying to get harvest done. It was my fault he was late, not his. They pulled him out for THAT! After all of THIS! I lost it on the principal who was getting ready to coach the volleyball team. I am sure a lot of people heard me. I hate showing my emotion in public but you have to know I was running on empty and control was not in the script for the day. I think I said something like I killed my son in a car accident 3 years a go and I haven't slept in a week and really hasn't Cyrus been punished enough for what I have done. I just walked out. I feel terrible, terrible I lost my temper, terrible I was rude, terrible I showed my emotion and appeared so weak, terrible I appear that I am failing once again and can't keep my family together, terrible that I am still struggling so much. I think I will write a letter apologizing because I can't quite seem to talk about this yet without showing all my cards, without the emotion. I have never been good with emotion.

The Good , The Bad and the really ugly.......

I use to use this blog to get rid of all my negative thoughts. It seems when they were put down on the screen they left my mind. It was my way of dealing with them. I know some of the thoughts were not sane but the only way I could work through them is to get them out and read them, run them through again and again. I haven't been doing this lately, somewhat because of the way people read and use the things I write against me, also because of time constraints. I believe I was healthier when I was doing this.

I want to tell you about my day, yesterday. I woke up late because I haven't been sleeping as well as I should be. I quit taking my pills that were helping me sleep because they were working to well and I was always tired. So now I struggle the other way. I don't know which is worse, not sleeping or sleeping too much. Any way, because I slept too long the kids were late for school. Everyone is angry on the ride to school. We drive past Loughlin's grave. I noticed that someone had put new things on it. My mind drifted. The sounds are all around me but I remember Loughlin, him smiling, laughing. The kids are asking me questions but I am not able to answer them. On my way home I pass his grave again. I want to stop but I don't think I could walk that far out of my car. I keep driving, stop at the mailbox because I didn't yesterday. There are two letters there for Loughlin, colleges wanting him to apply. I have received plenty of these. I set them aside until I could throw them away. When I walk in the house, I know I have so much to do but it will just have to wait until tomorrow. Phone calls from the school start from my kids, missing picture envelopes, athletic clothes for the pictures. I am still a little dazed from the nightmare at 4 am. The accident all over again, there is Loughlin laying there then some how Rhiannon is laying next to him. Both of them dying within my reach but there is nothing I can do to stop it. The time slows, I stumble through the rest of the hours until I need to pick up the kids. The mail is there again. I grab it on the way to the school. There is a package there addressed to Loughlin. It says Happy 18th Birthday, Welcome to manhood. The bitter irony is that is a free razor. I think of what a razor can do, in this mind of mine that hasn't stopped all day, hasn't stopped thinking of my dead son. A razor cuts and you bleed and it hurts just like seeing this has done to my soul. The phone rings and my mom is on the other end. She begins to tell me about things down there but my mind is occupied with the razor, manhood, 18. I tell her and I cry. I don't like crying to anyone but Harlen. It shows my weakness. I don't want anyone in my house because it is a mess, like my life. I am weak. I should be able after 3 years to handle this, handle my life, but I can't.

5 days ago though we had a good day. Good things happened to and for all of my babies. I thought wow can it really be like this again? But I couldn't stay there, I tried. I tried so hard. I am trying to take the good that happens and dwell on it but the guilt is so strong. I still just want him back.