never enough

Why? So many why's. Why at the age of 18, so young, not so innocent, but alone, did that dear sweet baby not wake up? I didn't know anything about being a mom, but I loved her. I never had ever felt that kind of love. That love that reaches in you, touches your soul. That love that takes you from me to her, everything for her. I would have given anything for her, to her but You took her away before I could even have a chance to prove my worth, and at my hands. I should have been there for her. I should have woke up. I should have breathed life back into her but I failed. Then the anger came and I hated You. There was no hope for me. I drank, tried to drink the pain away but it was there always there. I found ways to push it down so I could be NORMAL. I hid her from the world, not because of her but because of me, because I knew no one would accept a girl like that, not in this community, religion. So you didn't know me, not me, not the me that stayed awake with each baby, slept with a hand on their bellies to feel them breath, that never wanted to be without them. I wanted to be that mom, you know the one that could actually keep their baby alive and I did. I put them first, even at the cost of Harlen, but every moment was so precious to me, every smile, every cry, every step. I really thought I had made it. Lea was 4. I tried to love them. I tried my best to make their lives special. I tried to let them know how much I loved them everyday. I couldn't stand to be away from them to long, 3 days tops. I hurt without them near me. I was just driving them to school. I didn't like the bus, what they heard and learned there. I thought I was protecting but I failed again. I didn't see that truck. I want to scream. Why didn't I see that damn truck? He was just laying there,no warmth, no laughter, no smile. Gone. The pain so wrenching you can't breath. Why? His life so promising, why him? How do I go on without him? He was mine and You ripped him away from me. If this is a test, I am an utter failure. I am shattered, sweep me into the dust pan and dispose of me. I am yelling........THIS IS NOT FAIR...... don't tell me that everyone is tested with fire. Where? When? How? My relationship with Lough is decorating his grave. I miss him so much and with Rhiannon well not even that. The bystanders sit back and judge, tell me my kids here need me, need more than I am giving. You don't understand how hard I try but it is never enough. It will never be enough. I will never be enough, not now, shattered, broken, tarnished. Is it suppose to be this hard.

The Devil's Spawn

"He's a good kid, he really is." This coming from a man whom 2 years ago wouldn't utter a word to someone he deemed lower than him on that totem pole of life. But now oh now he has found God. He is different. He has changed. He feels it necessary to tell a mom not once but three times what a good kid she has. Is this so surprising? Is it unbelievable? He has ALWAYS been a good kid, not bratty, not spoiled, very kind. My mother bear claws are out. The fangs are sharp. Somehow it would be productive if you could come down off that grand palace you think you belong on and notice that there is change in everyone.If you could get up from the feast you call life long enough to pull the Silver Spoon out of your mouth you might be able to see through those filthy spectacles you use to judge everyone in your midst and see how things really are. 2 1/2 years down 2 1/2 years to go!!!! I am sure if we pray we can all make it through.

Realm of Reality

I have a great desire to escape this realm of reality. I have tried so hard to fit in but there is no fitting in. There is no pleasing. There is no way that I can make you see that, that was not me. That was an impostor feeling the cavities of my existence. Now I am back but the shell that the alien left for me to occupy isn't desirable. She made a mockery of my love, my life and there is no possibility of getting it back, of getting back to how it was, even though it was far from perfect. This impostor stole my identity. I know it is difficult to grasp the gravity of this thought process, but look at me screaming for some sort of peace, and just as I have it in my grip, it is flung into the emptiness that has become my soul. A withered heart is just that dead. I thought there was hope with nourishing and love that it might return to it's once broken state but the hope is diminished with each passing hour. I will stay. I will be my children's mom. I will put on that face, the one that is farther from the truth and I will perform my earthly duty. They need more but I am incapable of providing that for them. I am trying to love but the pain is excruciating. Walls are so much easier, safe.

May

I have never been so glad for one month to end and for another to begin. UUUUGGGGHHHHH!