Sweet Mercies

Wednesday night I sat down to fold some clothes and a sock caught my wedding ring. I looked down to find my diamond gone. I started crying, now bawling. I looked franticly everywhere I could think. I said a small prayer. I loved my ring. Harlen had picked it out by himself for me and I couldn't have asked for a more beautiful ring. I had a small feeling to check the vacuum bag. It was full. I had been on a rampage cleaning that day. I spent a while fingering through it, to the ooohs of my girls. Within 5 minutes I found my diamond. I can't believe it.

3 hours later I got e coli and have been sick since but I am getting to where I can find the small blessings in my life. Sale day 4 days and counting, hoping to get feeling better and get all of this stuff done!

reality

Today I am tender and my mind feels like the weather around me. The fog is set in but there is sunshine in the distance trying to burn the haze off. You would think after 2+ years that the realization of Loughlin being gone would have set in but there are still days when I look at his picture and it is so hard to believe that he is gone. Coming home from taking the kids to school this morning, like an invisible wall, a mist of loneliness surrounded me. I should be past this, the why's and the how's but I am not. I fasted yesterday. It was difficult, more difficult than it has ever been for me. I struggled through. I wasn't really hungry but I just DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT. The war inside me is heavy again. The more I try to study and pray and get my testimony back, the more the war rages. My life before losing Loughlin was one that never questioned the church or the existence of God. Even when I lost Rhiannon and went through other trials my faith never wavered. I didn't realize what a blessing that was. I would listen to other trying to get a testimony or restore their testimony and wonder how that could be. I have some in my life that just don't understand(kind of like I use to be), that thinks I am copping out, not trying. But I am not. I am trying. I don't like this feeling of nothingness. It is dark and desperate. It is lonely and unforgiving. It is void. It comes into my mind and sucks the life and air and beauty out of everything and I try to get it out. I sing songs and pray and yet it insists on staying. Why did he have to go? We prayed that we would be safe, but we weren't. Our family is trying but struggling.

Struggling

Grief is a interesting process. I really think I am doing well sometimes and then just the smallest comment or sight or thought or prayer can send me tumbling back down. For three days now I have fought the tears, all day long, every moment. I am just sad. I watch Loughlin's friends driving, or hear their parents talk about how well they are doing in sports or school and my heart aches. I am not angry anymore, at least not at them. I would be proud too if my son was doing so well. It just hurts. I want him back. I know it isn't possible but I need him back in our life. I watch how his brothers struggle each day, how they have to find a new way to cope with this new life and I can't breath. I feel so responsible for it all.

We lost our family dog yesterday. 6 years ago, Christmas morning each of the three older boys got a dog from Santa. Cyrus' died soon after when the wire he was tied up with malfunctioned. Loughlin's left 6 weeks after he died and we never saw her , (Little Anne after his favorite book)again. True's was the last survivor. Bruschi named after his favorite football player Tedy Bruschi. He was hit by our hired man and killed yesterday. I loved that dog he was beautiful.

Our sale is close. I feel overwhelmed. New challenges present themselves everyday and I am wading through, but I am tired. I feel like going to sleep and waking up in a few months when I can handle this better.