2 years

Today marks two years without you in our lives. I miss you so much Loughlin. You are and always will be a wonderful son. We thought we would treat this as any other day today. Our plan isn't working so well. We love you buddy!

A day not like any other day.......

She raised her hand to her mouth as she walked toward me, as to indicate I should smile. Smile. My back has not been kind to me at all this week. I have been spending my days going through boxes in my office that have been piling up for almost 2 years now, pictures, report cards, crafts, cards all that seem like a treasure chest on one hand and a pirate's sword stabbing my heart on the other. I need to catch up on my paper work, taxes, worker's comp...uuugggghhhh. Everything is in there, hospital bills, birth certificates and death, thank you cards that were never finished, pictures of happier times, my smiling boy, always smiling, so artistic, so much love for his family. I am struggling through each box, everything is mixed up, like my life has been for a while now. Tonight though I am also struggling through a panic attack, all while trying to make it through the school carnival, at times not feeling my legs, my head spinning, my eyes filled with tears. Today is a Monday, two days before that day, but Monday, the day it all happened. the day I lost my normalcy. The day I lost my mind, my 6/7ths of this heart. The day I lost my safety net around my family, Monday October 27, 2008 feels like yesterday but feels like an eternity since I held my son. The bad news seems to move in like the fog, my friends, more trials, cancer, haven't they been through enough? When will their soul be stretched to where He wants it? So if you want a smile, find me another day...I am trying but losing the battle tonight. Tomorrow is another day.

UUUUGGGGGHHHHH

As if the month of October isn't hard enough, add on lawyers and doctors still asking about 2 years ago. UUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH I need some really good R&R.

Broken Things to Mend

Trying to come to terms with my new existence

I am trying to really come to terms with my new existence. It isn't easy. 2 years ago my life was not even close to being perfect. I was lousy at many things, but the good thing then is I didn't much care. I was trying and that is all that mattered to me. Today, I am still lousy at those things but the list grows larger each day. The trials keep swirling about us like a storm tat doesn't seem to want to leave. I find myself laughing at the insanity of this life, which is an improvement because I use to just cry. My husband is my greatest cheerleader and yet I cannot find my way out of the gloom. I haven't quit trying yet but I can feel my will slowly slipping away. I still feel lousy most every day, some days almost unbearable, but I keep trudging alone, hoping for a breakthrough into my psyche. I don't know how much to say here because of the stigmatising attached to mental health. I thought about how silly people seem to be when people struggle with a disease of the mind. I hear the chatter. Why is the brain any different than any other organ in the body. Can you imagine two people giggling and chuckling at the fact that Frank has a bad heart, and he can't find any medicine that is helping him, or Sue is on dialysis for her kidneys, hahaha now that is hilarious, or even that breast cancer is raging in Sharon and the chemo isn't touching it. Yet, how many times do you hear in a conversation that Greta that crazy chick just can't seem to get it together. Or hahaha Jim is the luckiest man in the world, he married Jo and she has so many personalities that he has someone new every night.
I have heard of people with physical ailments that are so brave, they fight and fight until they are cured or in the end lose the fight, but how many of us feel the same about people that struggle with, depression, bi-polar, mania, PTSD? People that are depressed are not lazy, just as people who have lung cancer cannot run a marathon. People who are bi-polar are not nuts, they have no control over their moods without the help of a trained doctor. Sometimes it takes years before they find something that helps a brain not working properly. Am I preaching? In a way but I want to help people understand what it feels like to wake each morning feeling overwhelmed, anxious, in a panic, so blue the first thing that you want to do is cry, or not to know what you are doing at all. The mind is so powerful it controls the rest of the organs in the body. If it isn't working properly, nothing seems to work properly.
I am just asking, be gentle with those around you that struggle in this way.

Open Season

Today started pheasant season here at home. Loughlin loved this day as much as Christmas. Oh how I miss you. All the boys went this morning, wishing you were there, here. I love you so much.

2-both crazy, insane, not even close to their own minds.......One judged harshly, the other not at all........Why????????????

Struggling, but also trying to work through the sadness, the guilt, the whys.

Not holding my breath but.......

I am not holding my breath but I have had two pretty good days. The anxiety is manageable and the sadness comes but leaves much quicker. I am grateful, even if it lasts but a moment, to feel close to normal again is incredible but then again, what is normal?

Tired

So tired of thinking, of hurting, of crying, of if onlying, of should having......So tired of expecting something and nothing.......