Depression

Depression is a funny thing. It sweeps in for small reasons and decides on it's own how long to stay.

Today was the 1st time in a long time I just wanted to die. I have been alone way too much lately, too much time to think.

Growing Older

Everyday I grow older. You grow older. My kids grow older. Harlen grows older, and yet Loughlin stays 15 and Rhiannon stays that baby that I barely remember. He is Forever Fifteen...........

I want to start a non-profit organization that helps siblings who have lost a brother or a sister. I want to have group chats and group activities so that these kids don't feel alone in their pain. I would like someone to guide me in this endeavor.

Please comment below on how to start it. I want to call it #Forever15

Mirrors

I avoid mirrors as much as I can. Today as I was waiting for Harlen in the car, I looked in my rear view mirror. I was noticing all the wrinkles on my face. I thought of the years I have lived, but then I caught a glimpse of the scar below my lower lip, then the one above my right eye. The scars I have from running into the truck 11 years ago. Then as quick as I glanced in the mirror I was back in the suburban and Loughlin was dead on the bench behind me. The air left the van. I was left to my guilt and loneliness. Wrinkles to scars to I killed my son in less than 1 minute. PTSD? probably, but it is my life. This is not the life I chose. This is not a life I would choose even for my worst enemies. My family is everything to me.

Lea had a varsity game that we were on our way to. I was already in a mood. Lea didn't get to play. She was heartbroken. She cried. Lea never cries. She cried all the way home. She cried when we got home. She wrapped up in her comforter on her bed and cried. I went in and laid by her and cried with her. I hope it isn't how this year goes. I hope it gets better. Lea is a fantastic baller. She earned a spot on that team. I lived through 4 years of this with True. I am getting too old for the politics of this shit. I am tired. I love my baby girl. How do I sit back and watch another coach break my baby?

I got my new 10mm out and shot it for a while. I need the practice. True's going to come teach me how to be a better shot. I love that gun. Best Birthday present ever.

Today I just need an ear to listen.....I am not looking for you to fix me. Happy birthday Giles!

It's Giles's 17th birthday today. Another milestone in this family, and I can choose whether this milestone pulls me further into the abyss or I can celebrate that we all made it this far. I love this kid. He is amazing. He gets treated horribly by authority figures because of his hair and his inability to cow tow to the bullshit that attacks him. He is so strong, yet he loves to be told how proud you are of him. He treats with respect those who deserve it, but certainly is smart enough to ascertain those who don't. He is hilarious and plays the worst music in the world, but he loves it, and I love it when he smiles. He has experienced 2 more years than Loughlin did. 17 more years than Rhiannon did. There is the stone that sinks me further. I think I will just float on my back and rest a while. The deep can wait.