Loughlin's Birthday

Today is Loughlin's 19th birthday. I have been having a real hard time with this one. It is the one, the one when he would have been moving on, mission, college, marriage. Instead we have a night at Red Lobster with the family but before that we have things, complications that show up, spoil what is left of a crappy celebration and to tell you the truth I am too tired to do this anymore. It doesn't seem to be worth it. Life is beyond cruel and if not for my babies here, I would lay down and give up. I love you Loughlin. I have loved you from the moment I knew you were there. I never cared once about the morning sickness knowing you would be the result. I marveled at every achievement you made. You were always smarter than your years, so kind even though those around you were not. You still make me pause when I think of your love for your siblings. You were and always will be my inspiration.

RE-Read and Miracles

I went back in my blog and read for a few minutes. One thing is certain, the same feelings and the anger and the sorrow swirl round and round and really it doesn't seem to get any better, any easier. I feel sort of depressed over it all. It makes me worried. How long can I keep going like this without some sort of reprieve?

I ended up at the hospital yesterday where they took my kids after the accident. I have only been there once since that week. It was like walking on the moon with no oxygen. I couldn't breath there but I stayed and I finally got to visit my friend yesterday who has a TBI. She looked wonderful to my eyes and my heart. I am so happy her and her family got their miracle. I am jealous but hell what are you going to do. I need to get used to the idea that I have no control and it is what it is. But for Kellie's family, I love you guys. You have been such an important part of True's life, my life, our life. We love you and hope the recovery keeps moving a long the way it should, the way you need.

What is wrong with me?

What is wrong with me? When I am home I want to be somewhere else and when I am somewhere else, anywhere else I want to be home. At times I am so attached to my kids that I think I might liquefy with the love I feel for them and then it gets to be too much and I want to hide in my closet, where no one can see me. Then there are times when I am strong and I will do anything to protect my babies, then just a few minutes later I feel as if just one more thing might make me crumble to the ground like a cracked foundation.

I might need a vacation soon, fast,  but it is harvest season and football season and volleyball season and last but not least it is time to start hip hopping.......