No way around it.....

Have you ever felt like, for the majority of your life, you are something that you don't want to be? You are a person that the world looks down upon. You are that person because of choices you made and acts made against you. All of these things formed your spirit and no matter what you do or how hard you pray or change your life or try to help others, you will always be that. I have tried to run away from it my whole life, the label, the knowledge, the disgrace but you can't. There is always someone there to remind you, and they don't care what you have been through. You are what you are.
And there really is no other way around it, so I will learn to live with it. I will strive to make the lives of those around me nothing like mine was. I will try to teach that with those choices only comes misery. I can cry poor pitiful me. I can walk around with my head down because of the shame. My spirit has always been a fighter but I am done fighting.
I even look at my life and think, Wow God really wants to punish her. My soul is so raw, bruised, bleeding. Why should I have any peace? I look forward to the day when all is dark and I am at rest.

Life is moving on with or without me

I have talked so many times about the difficulty of moving on but keeping one foot behind in the life that I loved. Well big things are happening in our family right now, and I believe I have no way of living in the past. All the kids are growing up around me and I feel as though the past 3 years were a blur. For instance, Cyrus will be a senior this year. Next year he will be leaving for college. This is it. This is the last year he will be constantly in our family. He is utilized in so many ways here, I don't know how we will function without him. True, well True is now 14. He is close if not over 6ft tall. He no longer looks like a kid. He is growing up so fast in front of me and I just want to make time stop and let me enjoy these years longer. Maya is 12 and left for girls camp on Tuesday. She has never been away from home for more than one night. I had to just drop her off Tuesday morning fast because I knew I was going to cry and so was she. Giles and Lea are 10 and 8. Giles thinks about paintballing and airsoft gunning constantly. Lea is so hyper that taking her to town is a chore.Where has the time gone?

The biggest news of all is that we are building on to our house. The foundation is poured, so there is no turning back. We are building on more sq footage than we are in right now. I am excited. It will be a new corner we have turned in this complicated life, a new outlook, but most of all more room. We have been squished, smashed, squashed into , as a friend once called it, a crackerbox on the hill, one bathroom, 3 rooms and most of the time 8 of us. About 10 years ago we put in the most wonderful kitchen, so I have been spoiled with the comforts of more cupboards than I still have in use years later. The color is going to be a complete surprise until it is done, but it will be spectacular.

As far as my faith. It comes and goes like the wind in Malheur County. I cherish the times when I feel the spirit. It is so much better. The peace it allows in my soul is miraculous. But other times I still feel that this is it, that there is nothing else beyond this life and the darkness overwhelms. I ended his life and now what? I cry out for God to save me from this agony. There are times when the anguish is fleeting and other times when it lasts for weeks. I know a few things for certain. I gave birth to this wonderful boy, who was giving and loving, handsome and smart and then he was ripped from our family. There is no amount of time that will fill the deep crater this has left in our life. Sometimes I am able to turn my back for a moment from this atrocity.  It doesn't help when those closest to you think you are a failure at this terrible emotion called grief. I really am doing my best. I am so tired of putting on this happy face when inside I am dying but that is what I continue to do, and that is what I will do forever. However long forever will be.

You don't deserve it

Because of the choices you have made, you don't deserve to be treated well.

But then on the other hand, I felt the spirit the other day. It hit me like a lightning bolt. It was short lived but it had been so long. I knew for a moment that Loughlin was still here, not here but here in my heart and God lives.

Isolated

Have you ever felt fear? Not fear from physical injury but just panic from being told those things you already know.

 If I was to describe myself as an edifice, I would draw you an image of a very old farm house. I have been told I have an old soul. The house would be one that has the shingles and shutters hanging on by one nail. It would be painted a happy color of yellow but now the color so faded as to look like a dingy white. The cobwebs hanging over the covered porch that is missing a few planks and if you are not careful you might find yourself with one foot left behind as you walk. I would talk about the yard that is nothing but weeds and dirt, dying flowers from inattention. The windows are so hard to see through because of the dust and grime that has accumulated over the years. People stop by but leave when they see the house in such disarray and in such shambles. Even ones who knew this house in its better days turn away.
         ......Yet if they would only take a moment to see inside they would know that a candle still shimmers in the darkness. The pictures are still in their frames from happier years. You might find a hot cooked meal on the table. Sometimes laughter could even be heard. You would have to be close to know these things and yet they stay away.
Some try to tear it down. They throw rocks at the windows and say how ugly it is. It is hard to stay standing when the foundation is being chipped away. When termites eat away at the very existence of this once beautiful house. When it falls no one will even notice. Why would they care about a broken down eye sore on the community. I would like to move this house back home but I don't really know where home is. It is not here.