Friends with Real Benefits

Harlen and I went to visit a husband and wife who live close by who have also lost 2 kids, on Tuesday night. It was nice in a lot of ways. Let's call the husband Joe and the wife Lucy. Joe spoke of the feeling of invincibility after he lost his young son. He thought he and his family were safe and protected. I also had that feeling after losing Rhiannon, like nothing would ever hurt like that again, that God took 1, he wouldn't take another. He spoke of what a mountain it was to climb when that invincibility broke and he had to realize that none of us are safe ever. His wife grieved a lot like Harlen and they also did not grieve a like. I still was the lone woMan out on the losing my faith but I always have walked a different path and usually not a easy path. It seems I miss the road signs and I never carry a map in this life. Lucy was sweet. She had accidentally backed over her young boy. She never carried the guilt, that is admirable. They are quite a ways further out of this grief than us but it was warming to see that it might get easier.

My closest friend in the world is the one that strengthens me. She lost her beautiful daughter to cancer at 15 after a long, hard, fought battle. She is strong. Her family is incredible. She still has trial after trial thrown at her and she comes out bruised and battered but she comes out stronger than anyone I know. She calls me and lifts my spirit when I am down and even though she has a daughter the same age as me, I could talk for hours on end to her. I love her and would do anything for her.

I have other friends who have not experienced this test but have been cheerleaders for us through this horrific process. These are the friends I want to surround myself with. Friends that do not judge or think I am weak for this road I am on. It is my road and only those who travel it with me can help lead me to the light.

Religion & Politics

I have had the opportunity in the last couple of years to observe the workings of church members from what you could say an outsider's view. I am having a hard time with plenty aspects of the church. I think in some way losing my faith has opened my eyes. I do not take anything for granted. I want to feel again without looking for reasons or proof but I am stuck in this world of show me. I love politics. I love how politicians say what you want to hear and say it to the right people. I love how they give more money, in election years to charity, well if they are smart they do. I love how they pretend to care about the downtrodden and the poor of heart. I really love how they promise to give so many freebies to so many different folks. They are always looking for a bigger and better position or calling in life.
Now if you didn't know any better wouldn't you think I was talking about the members of the church?, some members, most members, maybe? It makes me sad to watch so many people help others out of duty and not out of love. Maybe some don't know when you help them with that gleam in your eyes as if to say I am so much better than you. I would never have made the choices you have made even with the challenges you faced. That might be true and it also could be true that you wouldn't have made it this far. You care far more about the physical gain than you do a spiritual gain, houses, cars, tractors, etc. etc. and you strive for the callings in the church that will gain you your pride and the love of others. You talk to those you think will give you that advantage. Why Why would you want to be in those callings? Walls are so much easier than dealing with this tripe.

Conference

I have to say I use to enjoy Conference. It was a weekend that my family was together. We sat down to at least 2 of the sessions. We ate good. We laughed. We just enjoyed each others company. Now it seems as though Conference is an infomercial. The church trying to make you believe that if you are in this church, you are happy, that good things happen. We are to believe that people in the church care about the lost sheep. I know you are questioning the blasphemy of it all but just listen to my argument. Quite a few of the talks are about miracles. Everyone loves a miracle. Yet story after story of miracles does a mind and soul damage when your miracle didn't happen. When you hear example after example of children being healed or rescued, you have to wonder why God, if there is a God, overlooked you. He let my child die not once but twice. Look around. Are there really that many miracles? And yet I missed the talks of parents struggling to stay a float when their miracles never came true. When they lived through watching their child die in front of them. When they had to endure the sight of their children's cold lifeless bodies laying next to them. Do they understand it feels as though they have been forgotten by their Lord?, That everyday in this church is not a joyous day, That there are days on this Earth when Hell is closer than Heaven. I don't want to hear of miracles, miracles are for the weak, miracles are a forfeit in the 1st half of this game we call life, a gimme call by the ref. It isn't real. Real is living through this Hell. The people that have received their miracles don't need yet another pat on their backs, another story told of their miracle. It isn't fair to raise a false hope in the minds of the moms and dads out there waiting for a miracle. Be honest, don't let them think it is their fault that they weren't chosen, that they were not righteous enough to receive such blessings. It is a cruel game in which there are no winners.

Even Joseph Smith grew weary of this life. "Oh! I am so tired--so tired that I often feel to long for my day of rest. For what has there been in this life but tribulation for me? From a boy I have been persecuted by my enemies, and now even my friends are beginning to join with them to hate and persecute me! Why should I not wish for my time of rest?"