Missing and Traveling

Harlen and I just got home from dropping True off at football camp at BYU and leaving the rest of the kids at Nana's and Papa's for 4 days. It is incredible how quiet my house is. I miss them but it makes me miss Loughlin even more. He loved going to Utah. He had a great friend down in Mapleton. He would have loved to go to camp at BYU. The gnawing is almost unbearable. I feel so horrible still about the accident. I feel such a responsibility for his death. I know in my heart it was an accident but it is so hard not having him with us. Our family hardly did anything when we weren't together. There is always an empty chair, a voice missing, a piece of our heart that is gone, that can never be replaced.

Cherishing the days

This last week has been wonderful. Everything turned out as good as possible for us. I feel blessed. I even attended church with my family on Sunday. I still don't know what I believe but I am trying to find my way again. I know I love my husband and my kids more than anything in the world. I am thankful once again for the prayers in our behalf. Grateful.

Strength

I am praying for strength, for someone to step forward and help me get through this tangled web of confusion and roadblocks I have created for my family. I need a miracle this week. This family has been through so much. We just need some breathing time together so once again we can start a healing process.

Shoes and Flowers

I spent last week buying new shoes for all 5 kids. They are now ranging in sizes from a 12 in men's down to a 13 in kids. I hate to spend much on shoes for the summer. They never last until school starts and some how they always end up irrigating, out working in the garden, or herding cows. 5 pairs of shoes....... At the same time I was buying flowers for a grave, wishing I could buy one more pair of shoes. Asking God still, why? Because I can't get the question out of my mind, still not really dealing with reality that I will never see my boy again on this earth, Wishing, every time I leave my house that I will come home to his laugh, his smile, his shoes in the middle of my kitchen floor. Oh I miss him everyday, every hour and I don't know when that gnawing will ease or if it ever will. I am praying again, not sure if anyone is listening but I am trying.