It has been so long since I have felt like being on this blog. So many judge when I write my true feelings, but this blog is my outlet. It is here to help me heal, help me get through my feelings. You can follow along this journey with me, but your judgement is not welcomed. You have not walked in my shoes. You have never felt my heart, my breathlessness, my anxiety.
Tomorrow is my 4oth birthday. I have had a very hard time dealing with this. It is not a vanity thing. I am sure I will look the same tomorrow as I do today; it is the amount of time I have spent wondering how, at forty, I arrived in this place in my life. I am trying to find my way through this fog of heartache, of unbelief, of lovelessness. At forty you should know what you want, you should know where you are going, but all I know is where I have been. I am bitter. I am sad. I am tired. I feel as if I am 90. I wish I were. I wish I was done with this existence and yet I want so much more.....
My only wish for this day, I can not have, that there be no empty chairs in my house. I don't want jewelry or flowers or even clothes and shoes. I want that feeling back, that feeling that everything is ok, that you will wake up in the morning with a full heart and be grateful. I want to feel empathy again for others who are suffering but I cannot, the bitterness has taken over. I am fighting off the selfishness but it is so easy to just believe, after all I have been through I deserve a little bit of happiness in my life. I deserve to be happy!!!! I just don't know how to get it.
