Each Day a New Journey

Today I had a few hours of happiness, in face probably close to 4 . It is something that is a long time coming. I have felt moments of joy when I look at my other children or when they do something spectacular but those times are so short and then the sadness returns and I am left with the guilt and loneliness of missing my son and my daughter who in a fair world would be here to share in our triumphs, our happiness, our accomplishments, but this life is not fair. It is to be endured and hopefully in the end there will be something else.

I was so tired tonight I went to bed early, fell to sleep quickly only to be awaken with the cries of Lea at midnight. I think I am up now for the duration. I should read, walk, run but I feel like just being.

Shoes, Memories and Changes

First I want to say I am sorry about the funk I was in last week and I created this blog to show my true feelings, not what people think I should be feeling but what I am really feeling. I am no longer afraid of what others may think about my journey, it is my journey. Everyone will travel a different way for a different purpose in different vehicles but I hope we end up some day together. I am leaving this blog open.

Last week at my college someone I am sure with good intentions, thought it was a good idea to place pictures and shoes along the side walk to remember victims killed in drunk driving accidents. The problem is that moms like me that have lost children in horrible, graphic car accidents, look at those shoes as they look at their own son's shoes, that Loughlin should be still in them, doing those things 16 year old boys do but now they are just shoes sitting under my laundry sink in the same place they have sat for almost a year, empty, with no one to fill them. This little incident seemed to be the straw with the camel. I am now barely able to breath, barely able to get myself out of my bed in the mornings, to put that face on that my community has grown accustom to and go about my day as if everything is going well. I really can't remember a time when I have felt so much pain, not even right after losing him. I can see no happiness in the future. We have a huge family trip planned for the week of the accident. I am counting down the days to get away from this place.

The added cruelness of this month is that Cyrus is a Freshman. He is doing and going everywhere Loughlin went the last few weeks of his life, the same FFA trips, football games, same homework. It is a reminder of the things we could have done together, the precious memories I missed or can't recall. It is just agony. Is he feeling it too?

I am really questioning everything in my life right now, especially religion and would just like some space, freedom to find my own way, a way that is going to work for me, a way that will help me cope, and not make me feel unwanted guilt for things I say, or do. I am just working on surviving. That seems so selfish but I feel each day gets worse for me to handle and I only can do my children and me right now. That is it for now.