That's the night the lights went out in Nyssa

Monday night Harlen had a meeting in Ontario for 4H. At about 7:30pm Cyrus walked in our house. He was not himself, well not what he was 3 months ago. He was spitting mad. He wanted to take all the family games and sell them. He started in on calling me names. Giles and Maya tried to protect their mama and Cyrus went after them. He called Maya bad names and threw Giles to the ground. He threw our barstools down and stomped them until they were broken. I was so scared for my kids. Giles called True and True came up and broke most of the fight. It was horrible. My PTSD is full throttle. Cyrus left and Harlen came home. Everyone wanted me to call the cops but I couldn't do it. I couldn't watch him being handcuffed and taken away.

Today is another day. True somehow by the grace of God has got Cyrus to the Dr. He said he would take the medicine if Cyrus would. Sometimes you just know you have raised a great kid. Maya and Giles stood up to Cyrus and tried to protect me. They showed their love in a great way. I hope this chapter in our lives ends soon. I am exhausted.

Another year and Another sale

The 2018 sale came off with a boom, well a crackle. It wasn't our greatest but it was average. I am grateful it was that good. It turned out to be the coldest day of the year and cowboys were calving out their calves. We are blessed we have customers that still show up and support our program and our family.

Terrible timing

Our sale is on the 20th of February. I am almost paralyzed. I am worthless in trying to get things done around here. I cannot think of anything but Cyrus. I cry most of the day long. They put me on another med to take away my migraines and lower my blood pressure, but it just makes me sleep. Inept would be the word to describe my physical well being. My God I have lost 2 children and my 3rd is teetering on the brink.

A 4 day Migraine

Last week was tough. I had a migraine that would not subside unless I was asleep from the shots they give me. I received 3 of them. Today the headache finally broke. Health, Mind, Soul. My health is horrible. I am overweight. I eat whatever the hell I want when I want. My mind is a jumble of demented thoughts. I am sad most of the time. I pretend. The sale is less than 3 weeks away, but I cannot even think that I can make it through this. My underlying thought is we will fail and have to sale this fucking place and live and work a normal job. you know now that is positive. Soul, well my soul belongs in hell with the demons slowly peeling my skin off my flesh. For how long I would make it I do not know nor do I care. I could make friends though, aah probably not I am not very good at that either. What is the going rate for 2 dead children and one crazy one.

On the upside the water is back on, but there is a whole in the wall in my closet. The basement is still drying out but someday it will be back to normal, unlike my life. My life will never be normal again. If there is an apocalypse I beg for it to come soon. Puppy is home hey good news. Harlen's sister is back with her ex after we tried for months to help her get a divorce. yeehaaaaaaw

Random thought #2,162

Life seems a little deranged as of late ok a lot. It seems that it will never be normal again, but what again is normal. I am tired and fighting migraines. If the shots didn't cost $80 a piece I would get one everyday.

We finished the catalog for the bull sale. It is a big job on an ordinary year, but this year is anything but normal. Here is a sample of Harlen and I


https://drive.google.com/file/d/1tjIsJE5mzJf5Cv5c0cIY7Oe7OFlweTvI/view?usp=drivesdk

I have lost my best friend, which I know is strange in itself, but I miss him. I miss his laugh. I miss his deep conversation about literature, music and movies. I just miss him. It seems so cruel to let him have so much success then rip it from his hands. It doesn't matter what anyone says it will never ne the same. He hates me. He won't talk to me. After losing two children to death, you finally feel as a parent he is 22, married, graduating with great grades, getting a job within 2 weeks of graduating and then poof like an evil spell it was all gone. This is like losing another child.

Our pipe broke between the shower and my closet wall and flooded the basement again. We haven't had water for 5 days. I survived 2 floods in one year. Noah doesn't have anything on us.

Our little puppy got Parvo and was at the vet for 4 days but he is going to make it. I love my dogs so much. They are my solace when I am home alone.

Harlen's sister made a half hearted attempt to commit suicide on Tuesday night. She took Cymbalta of all things.Taking too many antidepressants doesn't make you less depressed. I could name 15 better medications than that if you really wanted to get the job done. I know I sound callous but that is how it goes when your son is dying in front of your eyes.

Harlen came running in the house yesterday needing help getting heifers in. I was still in my night shirt. he said just come. i put my coat on, my boots and headed out. Little did I know our hired man and his son was outside. The sun was peeking through the clouds like a voyeur laughing at the misery I call my life . My legs are showing they haven't been shaven for months. My hair is a mess, but I am wearing my sock monkey beanie Maya gave me for Christmas.

Harlen keeps telling me other people have lives like ours, yah no!