Soul & Heart

I can sit for hours and watch a fire burn.
The language he uses sits in my gut and churns.
The nausea. The acid rises in my throat.
I see he left me a personal note.
Am I really a whore? Or is he being cruel.
My mind should but my heart and soul rule.

Valhalla

Dreams of blades
Consciousness fades
Floating in my lake.
My life you can take.
Just leave me in the dark sapphire
So far from the bog and the mire.
I will never sink.
Not time to think.
This could be my Valhalla.
My own private galla.

Grave

Manic
Panic
Frantic
Grave
Crazy
Hazy
Scorsese
Slave
Mad
Sad
Grad
Cave
Unhinged
Avenged
Syringed
Brave
Hell
Quale
Rebel
Forgave

Migraine

I received a shot today for a horrible migraine.  Stress is ugly. Life is tiring.

My 4th worst birthday

I know I sound so self absorbed lately. I am. Is this about me? No it isn't but the exhaustion weakens me. The never ending trials absorbs my resolve to want to fight on. Even the kids aren't enough to keep me here. I don't care if there is even an after world. I just want a non stop very hot vacation.
If I ranked my birthdays I would certainly put the 2 years after losing Loughlin as the worst. There was one that I thought my mom was going to surprise me with a party, but she just forgot. So trivial now but then it was huge. Yesterday started out incredible. Maya made me the breakfast of my dreams. She is so sweet. I love her more than life itself. That isn't enough. Because I don't love life at all. I love her more than the most perfect painting ever created or my favorite novel. I love her. I love all my children like that but Maya is my sunshine.
I got a new recliner also. A good place to fall asleep forever.
The problem is the underlying darkness in my life. It is taking over. I hate right now. I hate. I hate. I hate. I hate. How do I go on? How do I find the strength to push through, to get the catalog done, to run the sale? Come and take it all away. The place on the hill above my biggest mistake, the one where I killed my son is up for grabs. Take the fucking thing. Take me. Let the others start from scratch. I lost my confidant. I lost my friend. I am losing another one....... Surely this is more than enough. Job aint got nothing on me.

Whole

Your words are like razor blades to the soul.
Sure the wounds will heal, but I'll never be whole