Memorial Day 2014

Memorial Day 2014

Memorial day is a double whammy for me. It is hard alone but added that Rhiannon died on Memorial Day makes it more so. I live 7 hrs away from her grave and that also makes it hard. The cemetery was beautiful yesterday, if you can use such a word to describe such a place. If it looked like that everyday it might be easier to visit. I feel angry I have to decorate my child's grave and yet I feel guilty when I don't. Both feelings are born out of a strong sense of displeasure. I still feel so ripped.........it is hard to get past this. I miss them both. We went to the movie, "Million Dollar Arm" after decorating the graves. It was meant to get my mind clear of the sadness. We ate at Red Robin before, our family favorite forever. Harlen was served the wrong hamburger. He got a Whiskey River Bacon Burger instead of his favorite, Banzaii. The bacon burger was Loughlin's favorite. The movie would have been his choice. I was looking for a no brainer like Godzilla. I was voted out. So this morning my heart is heavy and my eyes are leaking. How long until this emptiness goes away?

The In Betweens.......

Happy Birthday Maya



In this tween time
this darkest hour,
We call upon this Sacred Power.
Three together, stand alone
command the unseen to be shown.
In innocence we search the skies,
enchanted are our new found eyes.

I know. I know. Charmed. I loved it when it was on TV. Now my girls love it on Netflix. I recall this episode in the 3rd season that was cutsie, a little too much for me, but it stuck with me. "The In Betweens" It was the doorways in between two rooms where the evil little miniature men would hide and torment all they could get their hands on.

How does this apply to us, to me? I find the days 'in between' days I don't want to face are harder on me than the actual day. The thinking, dwelling, contemplating, crying and when the day is actually here, it is more like wow....I made it. Rhiannon's birthday was the 16th. She would have been 26, or she is 26, or she should have been 26, one of those. The day she died is the 30th. That is a short in between. Maya had her birthday party on Rhiannon's birthday. She has done that a lot. I always considered myself lucky. It was a way to celebrate without bringing unwanted attention to her day. It is still just for me. My other children never knew her. It was my choice, right or wrong, to keep her to myself. If I shared her, others would have hurt her through me, judging, name calling. I never wanted that. A mom always wanted to protect her, to protect all my babies. Maybe the days are easier because I always imagine the worst....and some of the time it isn't the worst. Yet I should be given the benefit of the doubt, look at my track record.

So there are the in betweens but church on the other hand always out do'es my worst nightmares. I wonder every week why I go and sit through this form of torture. Am I a misogynist? I wonder how much longer until I stand on the chair and call out all the crazies in the room. I AM HERE. DON'T TELL EVERYONE THAT IF ONLY YOUR KIDS SAID A PRAYER BEFORE THEY STARTED THEIR CAR THEY WOULD ALWAYS BE SAFE. CAN I LIVE ON YOUR LALA PLANET? THE ONE WHERE WE ALL SIT AROUND AND DRINK KOOLAID AND HOHO's. I was angry for 3 days following. I can find plenty of shit in the outside world to make me mad. I don't need to force myself to entertain the clowns anymore.