Conference Call

Will I heed? I have been out of medicine for over 5 days. I called for a refill but so far none. What are the results? I feel. I feel more than I have in forever. I feel things that are there and not there. I feel things that are implied or forced down my throat. Yet I feel. The problem: I don't know if I can handle these feelings, real or make believe. Loughlin is gone. He is gone because I made a horrible mistake. 5+ years and I am stuck. Rhiannon died, in part, because of my mistake. I didn't wake up on time, but when I did she was gone. Could I have prevented it? We will never know, and yet if I was responsible I killed her and hurt me. My parents lived through it but there was no other immediate family. There was no other affected by my mistake. I buried the feelings along with my daughter. It was too much for me to face. I hid. I ran. I drank. I did everything I could think of that would take me away from those feelings. Guilt, Grief, Trauma, Guilt.

The new problem is I cannot hide, I cannot run, and I cannot self medicate enough to get away from these feelings. They are in front of me constantly. The only way out is death, and I am much to healthy for that. You cannot will yourself to die, and would that not just exasperate the problem further? Would I not hurt my kids both living and dead more if I died? My kids are a daily reminder, if not hourly reminder of my mistakes. I watch them struggle. It hurts my heart so much I feel as if it will burst. All of them have problems concentrating, me too. All of them are on the edge of anger, me too. All of them have feelings of guilt, me too. All of them are looking for answers and not finding them, me too. All of them have trouble feeling, me too.

So what I heard yesterday in a nutshell is: this is your poison, take it and smile, all the time it is killing you, that it shouldn't kill you, if you only had faith. Once again the circle. The trial took my faith and I can't get through it because I have no faith.

On the upside True got a new puppy Friday. He is so very cute. He is a Drahthaar. Loughlin had a Drahthaar when he died, Little Anne. She ran away after he left us. We never found her again. Duke, our new puppy, is named after a dog Harlen's brother had when he died. A Drahthaar also. So is it really an upside? I am puppy sitting today and I am so sad I cannot breath.