Sleep eludes me. I am always aware. I hear everything. I never stop my thoughts. Time to get up, Harlen has left with Giles earlier for a bull haul. The other 4 need to get up get moving, but the bed, so warm, so safe, so quiet. Alone, alone in my thoughts until the 'Why' hits again, or how my life eroded to this?
Now the bed is not as inviting, the quiet is suffocating. Up and ready as we head down that road, not once but twice because True forgot something too important to leave behind. It is like an invisible barrier, a reminder of what I have done, what I have done to them, how I have changed their life. I can never change it back. It will never be the same.
Wait who is in front of us? The air is pressed from my lungs, the jealousy, the remorse, the longing. That is right, he would be driving now. He would be taking the kids to school. I would be home in my soft bed. It is his best friend and look there passes another one, all driving, all dating, all having their hearts touched or broke for the first time, but not him. He will never have any of those things. He is gone and we are just left with pictures and worn out shoes, under our laundry sinks, that we still can't put away, but he is not coming home, not today, not ever. Why am I here again. Once was enough, twice is not working. I am not enduring. I am crumbling. I am slowly dying. The pain is excruciating. Can a heart really survive this?
And yet as you pass me, there is a smile, a post about an 'A' on an essay. All of these things are empty, they mean nothing. Lea she hugs me, trying to say mom I am here, I love you. Somehow we will make it, but will we? The walls are so thick, so tall, will they ever come down? Leave me alone, but don't leave me. Call, I won't answer but I know you tried. I want to run but there is no place that will take me, so I just stay and watch as if I am a spectator, seeing, touching, hearing, tasting but it is just there, nothing impresses but I am a good pretender, actress. If you don't look to close, you will never know the difference.........
