Trying

 Trying

I feel like dying.

So tired of trying.

Wake-up Blue.

Aching all through

My distorted form.

Wishing I was never born.

I’m weary every moment

Time is my opponent.

Every day is a marathon.

I am far from a paragon

Is there an easier way?

Do I have to stay?

In a place with so much pain.

When there is nothing to gain.

Peace seems out of my reach.

Grief is my personal leach.

Yesterday

 Yesterday was the 12th anniversary of the accident and Loughlin's death. I stayed busy most of the day. I couldn't get enough courage to go to the cemetery. I still feel like I am in denial about Harlen dying. Today has been long and hard. Tomorrow is 2 months. Wow! I miss him so much. Harvest is coming to an end and he would be home more now any other year, but there is no sound of his voice. The fog is thickening and I am having a hard time seeing his messages, hearing his heart. Oh God. The holidays are gong to be hell. I heard a friend worrying about Christmas pictures already. I am worried about cooking food and washing clothes. I am sad.................

Another Day

 I feel like I accomplished something today. I paid all the late bills. I talked to the painters, My boys helped me install a new fridge and I put my beautiful baby grandson to sleep. Julie brought up spaghetti for dinner. It's still nice to have meals brought in once in a while.

Please comment

 I haven't been checking my comments for s long time, but i would love to hear your input.

Signs Signs everywhere there are signs.

 

Yesterday was a hard day for me. I had to deal with the life insurance. I had to open up to checking accounts for the money people gave us for Harlen's memorial and the Trust. I was feelin awfully lonely and sad but i got in my car to hear Harlen's terrible favorite song, Boston, "More than a feeling," Which I hate but yesterday I loved every minute. Still licking my wounds I headed to pick up a prescription at the drug/slash alcohol store. I even brought my cash for that Fireball Whiskey. Just as I opened the door the bishop called and wanted to spray my farm for flies.......I didn't buy it. I don't care if other people drink, but I am an alcoholic in the making. Today I went to see Dr. Booth as I was leaving hid office, The Beatles,"Let it Be" was on the radio. Is this reaching out from the heavens or am I just seeing things.

Lonely

 

Lonely but not alone.

Intelligent but not all known

Crazy but not insane

Guilty but who’s to blame?

Sad but still alive,

Shallow dare not to dive.

This life a dream, but a nightmare.

Take another jump don’t be scared.

Hope is a reason to live.

Charity a need to give.

Family is everything that is love.

Looking for guidance from above.

One

 It's funny at the end no one is around.

The house is empty. Nothing makes a sound.

Do you need me I hear from a distance.

No Let me help at their insistence.

One is an irony in itself.

Winning that trophy that is on the shelf.

That is a champion, but I am lost.

Taking pills but at what cost.

cures

                                    

 Do you know heartache triggers actual physical pain? It's a crazy thought that the two things this world cannot cure is cancer and heartache. 

Both of these have affected my life in the last oh 32 years, perhaps before. My grief is causing physical pain, but people judge you like you are giving up of that you should miraculously just wakeup one day and feel the elephant who is resided on your chest for years is gone? It doesn't work that way, just like cancer can't be wished to go away. 

I watched a movie tonight that's whole pretense, is our lives are what we make it. If we want a pony we will get a pony. If we want to be an astronaut boom you are one, of course with a lot of hard work. I started thinking about my life and how when bad things happened, which they did frequently I worked hard to get back in the game, but these trials are getting harder and I am getting exhausted. Any words of wisdom out there in cyberspace?  I don't want to feel like this and I don't want to take a bunch of pills and walk around like a zombie.

The journey

 One month out and I still await Harlen's return at night. Nothing feels right. I am so tired all of the time. My shoulders feel like they are carrying the weight of the world, literally. My memory is shot. My cognitive skills are not so great either. i fell last Saturday and tore the cartilage in my ribs which makes laughing, hard and crying even harder. I knew this was going to be hard, but I underestimated the grief. I miss him so very much. The death certificates came in the mail today, 5 just in case I needed that many. Tomorrow could be a better day. I hope it is

Book

 Oh they crawl around stealing the hours I need to sleep.

on the ceiling, their claws make wretched scratches 

but the light shows no sign? Am I losing my mind?

I hear a heartbeat that abruptly comes to a halt.

Heartbeats beat strong until they don't beat at all.

I have been at the end of the rhythm thrice.

The pain is unbearable. Can you see me?

Wait there is a new smell, a happy smell, that of dust and moisture.

Taking me back to the time when life was simple.

I am a child riding in the back of dad's Rivera.

The music is playing a happy song. Is that the Beach boys? Does it Matter?

I am happy.

I shall not be that way very often.throughout my life.

I will not allow myself.

Remember that yellow VW I drove around town getting in trouble?

That was years after that man touched me underwater.

Leaving me scarred, filthy, unclean.

A child, yet now a tarnished soul.

I am in pain. Can you hear me?

Of course not for I am silent.

Wine 'coolers for free.

They are not that much older than me and Mer.

What could go wrong? I drink way too much.

Crawl to the bedroom just to lie down, head spinning.

Wake up to a crushing weight on top of me.

My virtue is stolen. I feel dead.

Of course no one listens to the girl who was impregnated at 17.

The fingers point in my direction.

I tell myself I don't care.

I was alone.

By choice, but alone.

A beautiful baby girl arrived.

2weeks pass full of bliss and love

I decide I can do it

I am alone. but not by choice

Yet I have this little beautiful baby girl.

She sleeps next to me

She dies next to me in my bed, cold, blood.

It's my honeymoon.

He makes me feel so low.

I shudder at my image.

I am alone again.

Years pass.

A baby boy arrives.

You can't get off the track.

A new baby boy, another lil boy, then that special girl.

Life seems sublime.

What is over the horizon?

A bigger baby boy and our surprise girl.

Is this happiness?

We are late for school.

I have a funeral to be to.

I drive down the hill. The sun blinds me.

My oldest son is cold, brain matter spills out on the seat.

What have I done?

A Loving God?

The ocean, so blue, with its crashing waves.

It is my solace. It is my proof of His existence or is it?

I am relaxed with the family.

My soul still lingers for something more.

Tears fall from my eyes.

Can this be true?

I am 50. My life is ugly again. There is no light.

He lays in the cold ground.

He fought. We fought. We lost. The cancer won.

Breathing is almost impossible.

I feel like a stranger in a strange place.

I am in pain can you here me?

Harlen is gone

 The sun is setting in the West with a tinge of red and orange in a sorrowful way. The fires are blazing on the West Coast . The fires are destroying my sacred ground. The place where we go to escape, but why not? God has taken what is most precious to me and has left me on charred ground. I wish this life was over. I need Harlen. I ache all over like I have a cruel case of the flu. I see him struggling for his last breath and I want to save him, but the insurance companies and hospital administrators have taken him from me. The stages of grief switch throughout the day. I am mostly sad, not just sad, but heartbroken. I cry most of the day. I like to sleep. In fact I love to sleep. Nightmares haunt my dreams but at least it isn't 18 hours of yearning. I knew he was going to die but did it have to be so fast? I love you Harlen. I will for a lifetime and more.

 

What can I do?

The new bone marrow biopsy came back with double the amount of leukemia cells in the marrow than when Harlen started. It was devastating news. He started a new chemo on Wednesday. We have it and a trial drug left. It is hard not to be negative. I wish there was something I could do to change this. Harlen is getting tired. He is only 52. His life has so much more to live. We have so many plans for the future. Alaska with the boys, Europe with me, Grandchildren. It just isn't fair. So many prayers on his behalf have been said. We have to have good news soon. Please God let us keep him here on Earth.

20% Chance of Rain

If the weatherrman called for 20% chance of rain would you bother with an umbrella? The results haven't come in from the 5th bone marrow biopsy and I feel sick to my stomach. I pray they are good, but if they are not I pray for another plan to get Harlen healthy. I am missing my family back home terribly. Today I have decided I am just going to breathe.

Realizing I have always been a loner

I sit in this room all day long while Harlen gets phone call after phone call from all of his friends, but I just listen to the one sided conversations. I have never been a good friend. I realize that now. I am pretty lonely. I have built my life around my family, Harlen and my kids, not much for a friendly lunch.If I had time I liked being alone. I used to sneak off to a movie by myself whenever I could after I got my driver's license. I worked and swam and worked and swam. I wouldn't consider any other women someone I couldn't live without. I can see the error in my ways now, a little late, but I see it. After this quarantine will I try to be different? Probably not. I like my shell. It is thick and ugly and no one likes to come near. I find that bearable. I don't talk. I mean really talk. I will open up to Harlen once in a great while but that is even few. I give my heart to those who deserve it, those who need it. I show my soul to those who want to know it. I give my heart to those who will not break it. I don't trust very many with it. Most people are blind to the words they write, deaf to those they speak, emotionless, to the feelings they crush. If I could take all the 'for my good' words that have been spoken to me and tear open my soul and spew them out I might be a different woman. I was going to say lady, but I don't see myself that way. I see my myself as a feminine in the case that I am a mother, but I can be cold to those that look down on me or up to me or don't pay attention at all. 

I know this is about Harlen. He is the one with cancer, but I am the one that is grieving the life I will never have. The months that are taken away while I lock myself in this prison. He needs me. Today has been a dark day, a lonely day, a day that needs to end. I am miles away from my kids and they have been my life for, well forever. They heal me. They make me smile with pride. They are my greatest accomplishment. So my funeral might be small, but my children will know I loved them most, my husband will know he is the most important thing in my life. Tomorrow is the last day of intravenous chemo. I pray that it worked this time because these walls are closing in and 6 weeks more seems like a lifetime.

Funny how no one will read this because it isn't uplifting and joyous, but come on cut me some slack. I have been sleeping on a couch for 50+days. #CancerSucks 

Hello from the Inside

I am writing from the self made bunker of the Huntsman Center in SLC, Utah. Harlen's last biopsy came back dirty with leukemia so we are once again trying a new chemotherapy for 3 weeks and because of the Corona Virus I had to make the decision to stay here or leave. Well they told me I had to leave but I prayed that they would make an exception for us because I had barely left his side in 5 weeks. The word came from the top that I was one of 3 that could stay. I was relieved, but knew it was going to be hard to stay away from my kids and grand baby for another 8 weeks. It wasn't a question though to leave Harlen by himself. We are in this together. So my agoraphobia had finely paid dividends. I didn't want to leave Harlen so I didn't and because I had stayed with him for 2 weeks straight; They let me stay.  Today is day #3 of 21. I took a nap and the day was somewhat shorter. I was shaken from my sleep by another nightmare of loved ones dying and me breaking down. But I snapped out of it quickly without any meds to help me. I am getting stronger. I miss my kids fiercely. I always put my priorities on a scale. Harlen tops that scale right now, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell to be away from my kids, especially with the uncertainty in this world. I pray frequently for all my loved ones, and I hope we can overcome the boredom of living in a hospital room knowing the boogeyman lurks outside and inside our minds and this world.

Agoraphobia

Agoraphobia (ag-uh-ruh-FOE-be-uh) is a type of anxiety disorder in which you fear and avoid places or situations that might cause you to panic and make you feel trapped, helpless or embarrassed. You fear an actual or anticipated situation, such as using public transportation, being in open or enclosed spaces, standing in line, or being in a crowd.

The anxiety is caused by fear that there's no easy way to escape or get help if the anxiety intensifies. Most people who have agoraphobia develop it after having one or more panic attacks, causing them to worry about having another attack and avoid the places where it may happen again.

People with agoraphobia often have a hard time feeling safe in any public place, especially where crowds gather. You may feel that you need a companion, such as a relative or friend, to go with you to public places. The fear can be so overwhelming that you may feel unable to leave your home.

Agoraphobia treatment can be challenging because it usually means confronting your fears. But with psychotherapy and medications, you can escape the trap of agoraphobia and live a more enjoyable life.

I find my fears getting worse because I have to go everywhere by myself and I am not sure of myself driving in Salt Lake. I am fat. I haven't had my hair done for about 6 months. I look horrendous. I hate that I have to go get my food up on the 6th floor by myself. I hate being in the elevator by myself, in my car by myself, and in the post office in the campus store by myself. The only place I like being alone is at home and I haven't been there in such a long time.. I have been so accustomed to being with Harlen all of the time that it has spoiled me. I am freaking out because I am going to a new place to get my hair done tomorrow at 4. I am already sick with anxiety.  

Migraines

I know I have talked about my migraines in the past, but I am having a bad one today, yesterday, the day before and most debilitating tonight. It is 1:30 am. this is way past my bedtime. I can't afford to have one right now. I am Harlen's caretaker. What if they think I cannot do this. He has to have a caregiver 24/7 after the transplant. Am I up for this task? I miss home. I miss the kids and my grandson. I miss my life before cancer. I almost have forgotten what that life was like then. Then I feel guilty for feeling crappy when Harlen is in the fight of his life. What kind of wife am I? You have to step up I keep telling myself. This is his. I can't keep raining on his torrential downpour. I watch him sleep and imagine what a horrible life it would be without him. He is sick. Sometimes he is really sick, but he is sick all of the time. Cancer sucks! Funny how people only think of cancer when it affects their circle. "You know that guy down the road with all those kids? He has cancer." or "She is only 35. How come she is dealing with this?" or even "Did you hear about Joe? He died last night with his family all around." How long do you think of these people fighting this horrible disease? How many times in a day do you wonder if they are going to make it? It never leaves my mind. Just like Rhiannon and Loughlin never leave my mind. Maybe the migraine is caused from lack of space in my brain.

 I am rambling tonight I know, but I am 6 hrs away from the only Dr. I trust and I am miserable.
I went to do a batch of laundry. Crazy I know, but I can't sleep and I can't watch Harlen sleep anymore. Too many thoughts are in my mind and I don't like any of them.

The Bull Sale - Harlen

We have had some hard sales in the past, after Val died, after Loughlin died, and after Deanie died, but this is going to be the hardest yet. Harlen is back in the hospital with complications from the chemotherapy. We will be doing this sale without him. He is our rock. He has always been the provider, but True stepped up, and Giles stepped up and the girls are miraculous.. We need to make him proud, take the stress off of him. Pray for a good turnout. We need it.

Banished

As most of you know Harlen's last bone marrow biopsy came back showing cancer, not as much as last time but it is there. We came down to the Huntsman Center today and I feel like a fish out of water. I feel banished from everything I know. I don't believe I knew it was going to be this hard. I miss my kids and my grandbaby. I miss the country and the roads with no cars. I miss the nice nurses at St. Luke's. I miss being able to eat dinner with my husband because they don't want me to order from his room. I miss my bed and have I mentioned I miss my kids. The bull sale is going to be so hard. I fly our Saturday night for the sale and come back Thursday to see Harlen. Life is still a journey. Pray our sale goes well.

The Sweetest Gift on Earth

What can I say? Being a Grammy is the greatest thing on Earth. I thought that having my own kids, each of them was the greatest event to happen in my life. All seven of them were completely amazing, but on January 24th, 2020 our little August was born. He was a whopping 8lbs 14oz. He made it into this world via c-section. It was such a beautiful and sacred experience to be in the room with McKayla while she labored, The heavens felt like they had opened and the spirits were all around. We love this new little grandson more than anything in the world. He is the brightest spot in our universe.

He is now 2 weeks old and he is so beautiful and sweet. Like Frank on Everybody Loves Raymond I just breathe in life. I love him.

God only asked Noah for 40 days and 40 nights

Today is day 34 in the hospital. I am exhausted. I just wrapped Harlen's PICC line so he could shower. I am not a nurse. I have never wanted to be a nurse. I never cared to know what a PICC line is or what it does. He has a port too. It's in the right side of his chest. It is for blood or platelets or poison or whatever the hell they want to put in him. We were so excited for a clean bone marrow biopsy, but now his numbers won't come up and the Dr. today gave us little hope on what they could do next. Did I mention I am tired?

On top of it all we are trying from 70 miles away to compose the bull sale catalog. It is virtually impossible. My mind is so cloudy from stress and anxiety that I am having a hard time remembering numbers from one source to get to the other source. It is a long process on a normal year and takes most of my energy. I am sucking at it.

Harlen is down. He is talking like he is planning for an end result that I cannot put my head around. I can't think through this. I can't imagine a life without him in it, but if his numbers don't come up there isn't much more they can do for him. UGH The words came out of my mouth. My God it is your turn to step in. I know you aren't accustom to being told what to do, but I am tired of asking. I am tired of pleading. I need the father of my children in my life, in their life. I need a happy ending. I need what is left in my family to stay in this family.Was cancer your idea? Because I have to tell you if it was it blows.

There is hope and then it is crushed, then there is hope, but it is squashed, then there is real hope, but it was just pretend, then there really is hope, but it never was hope. It was just words, and words are empty and hollow and ugly.

I still have hope the Dr.'s are wrong because seriously when have they been right?

I believe I would rather have 2 of every species living amongst me.

Bone Marrow came back Clean

Harlen's bone marrow came back clean of all cancer in his last biopsy. We are still in the hospital and will be until his good cells start doing their job. Then we are off to Utah for the stem cell transplant that should have been done back in November. But the great news is we have more hope with each passing day. He is still having hard days with fevers, aches and chills, but they are lessening which is a good sign.

Why not me?

I just have a simple question. Why not me? Harlen is so loved by so many. He does such an awesome job at being positive. He is a supreme provider for our family. The kids love him. Did I mention that everyone who knows him loves him. Mark Twain said " No one is a failure that has friends"

I am the opposite, and I am sure that people are whispering the question across the sphere. Why not her? She has made so many awful choices and mistakes in life. You're right it should be me. It should have always been me.11 years ago it should have been me. Hell 31 years ago it should have been me.Why can't it be me?

28th Anniversary

Tonight I am tired and sad. The end

Christmas Poem 2019

Lea is a sophomore, played both softball varsity 1st base and volleyball varsity setter.

She earned a 4.0 and was Homecoming Princess could there be anything better?

Well she likes shopping way too much and hanging with her friends.

At 15, she doesn’t actually break the rules, but she finds ways that they can bend.

Giles, 17, is a senior and a confident one at that.

He throws a curve ball that no one can hit with a bat.

He spends most his time working on his car and hanging out with Brenda.

Doing the least amount he can in school is certainly his agenda.

Maya is in her second year in college is quite impressive.

Getting A’s is a goal. I’d say it’s compulsive and oppressive.

Ask Juve, she by far has the biggest heart of all, working hard on her fundraising.

Getting everyone to help is incredible and certainly worth praising.

True bore down and earned his Associates degree in college,

Bringing back to the farm his hard work and his new knowledge.

Katlyn and he sure stepped up and labored during harvest season.

But guns and hunting is his love. He works for just that reason.

The biggest news of the year is Cyrus and McKayla are expecting in January.

This is making everyone in this family so happy and you could say even merry.

Cyrus will receive his Masters in teaching in late June.

Their life is going to get busy and eventful very soon

As for Harlen and I we are amazed at our fellow mankind.

Our family and our friends are the best that one could find.

So many acts of kindness have been made on our account.

We could work for 2 lifetimes and never repay the amount.

We hope this letter finds you grateful and content.

And the blessings that you have asked for have already been sent.

We celebrate this Christmas, our Savior and his birth.

And pray for peace and happiness in heaven and on Earth.

It will be a St. Luke's Christmas, Anniversary, New Year's, Birthday

It's Christmas Eve and we are in St. Luke's hospital, well Harlen and me. Wednesday we went for his appointment at MSTI and his white cells were through the sky. They admitted us to the hospital and we just thought it would be for a couple of days, but after tests it was revealed Harlen's CMML had turned into AML ( Acute Myeloid Leukemia. This is a fast acting, aggressive cancer. We were informed we would spend the next 5 weeks in the hospital to try chemotherapy to put the cancer into remission. Then and only then would we be able to move to the Huntsman Center for a Stem Cell Transplant. Today is day 4 of the chemo regiment. We have seen Harlen's white cells as high as 169,000, but his results this morning were hopeful. They are down to 22,690. His red cells and platelets will continue to fall also through this process, but they can be replenished with transfusions. We are praying for good numbers throughout this stay and remission.

The kids took the initiative and got at least kid family pictures done. Maya has been a steam roller setting up 2 fundraisers for Harlen. She really is a sweetheart. She was very successful. All the time she was deep in her studies to become a teacher. Cyrus is half way through his Master's program and He and McKayla are only 2 weeks from having our first grand baby. We are excited beyond words. True has stepped up and is taking Harlen's place on the farm. He and Katlyn worked tirelessly through harvest. Giles is still a senior in high school and has the coolest car and cutest girlfriend there. He loves to push my buttons, but we love him just the same. Lea finished a great volleyball season. She was the varsity setter and earned the Bulldog award, Honorable Mention all district,  Scholar athlete, and a 4.0. Wow. We hope they are courageous through this long process and can keep up with their good works. I want to share a few of our pictures.

It's Not You It's Me

I haven't been on the blog for a while. When last I wrote our future looked bright, but life never is that easy. St, Luke's broke up with us. Well they kicked us off their transplant team. They said we would be better served at the Huntsman Center in Salt Lake City, but I really think it had to do with our crappy health share plan. So we got a new insurance starting January 1, 2020, because Huntsman wouldn't take us with the health share plan either. So limbo is our life. Harlen is trying to keep his spirits up. He gets double transfusions weekly. His red blood cell count goes down and his white cells go up. It's a roller coaster and there is no way off for the time being.

We took Loughlin;s name through the temple last week. It was special with a lot of friends celebrating the moment with us. I think the medicine I am on is making me hard and without emotion, but rather that than where I have been.

Christmas is close and I am not ready, but I am never ready. Procrastination is my middle name.

We have a Match

The Stem Cell Transplant Team at St. Luke's found two donors for Harlen and the transplant will be in 4-5 weeks. I am feeling blessed and overwhelmed but also scared and hesitant at the same time. Please pray for a positive outcome. We now need to find a place to live in the Boise area for 3 months.

I would encourage all of my readers to go to the Be The Match website and become a donor if you are under 45. If not donate blood. Harlen needs transfusions weekly. You could be the one who saves a life. Thank you in advance.

https://bethematch.org/

Paralyzed

Today I am paralyzed. I am sure most of you believe that I am not being literal, but I am. It is amazing what the mind can do to the body. I have a headache. It's pretty excruciating. I took my normal regiment of Excedrin and Promethezine, but it is hanging on if not just by its fingertips. My mind wants to do so many things, like clean the house, fix the holes in my walls, make my yard look like someone lives here, but my body is paralyzed. It is like I am glued to this brown recliner in my living room in which I have come to hate. I feel so heavy that moving is almost impossible. You say I am just lazy, but you don't feel what I feel.

Tomorrow we meet with the Stem Cell Transplant Team. I am petrified of what they are going to tell us. You could say I just need faith, but faith in what? I have faith in a God now, but I do not have faith that it will save my husband from the horrible pain he is in store for. I do not have faith that a match will be found. I am scared. I am scared of what they are going to tell us.

Harlen has been suffering from stress related ills since his diagnosis. For the last three days it has been his back. He is suffering from muscle spasms and I am afraid of leaving him alone.  I used to get this pain all of the time and  know it will go away when he quits worrying and relaxes, but that is easier said than done. He is in the hands of people he doesn't know. People who are trained to cure him, but if they don't win it is just a game to them. They don't have a stake in this fight. As long as they get paid they will feel that their job has been completed.

I find comfort in prayer lately, but today I could pray all day and not feel at ease. God find a match for Harlen. Life is short enough.

A Full Life

I'm am writing from the confines of the 3rd floor at St. Luke's hospital. Harlen spiked a fever on Thursday and this is where we ended up. He went for his fourth intravenous chemotherapy and had a fever of a 102.9. They sent us to the Emergency room then he was transported to Boise. It was really hard on him for 2 days. His hemoglobin was down to 6.7 when we arrived in Fruitland, after one transfusion it didn't budge at all. He had another transfusion tonight hopefully it works and he can get a little bit of energy to manage harvest. Tonight he is finally resting and feeling better. Leukemia really sucks. He is so strong. I love him more than ever.

In the meantime, Lea won Sophomore Homecoming Princess. Thank God the coronation and Parade was on Wednesday this year. We were lucky enough to enjoy with her celebrating her crowning. She was so cute.  Here are two videos and a very cute photo. Tonight Cyrus filled in for Harlen to walk Lea out on the football field. It was so sweet. Susan Schulthies and Teniele helped us facetime the event so we could watch it from the hospital room. I can't wait for the video.

https://www.facebook.com/harlenkendalee.garner/videos/2737556759590802/?t=6



https://www.facebook.com/harlenkendalee.garner/videos/2738101159536362/?t=2

Thursday was also Loughlin's 26th birthday. We haven't been able to celebrate yet, but hopefully soon. Life seems to have a way of getting in the front of traditions sometimes. Happy Birthday Loughlin. We love you so much and miss you everyday. Life will never be the same without you.

His Fight My Light

This is not a fight we chose, but it is a fight we are in. Harlen's labs were bad on Friday again. We spent Saturday getting two transfusions at St. Luke's. Today he feels stronger and he is ready to go on. Tomorrow morning we start real chemo. I pray that it will slow down this disease that has invaded his body, but certainly not his soul.

We had a week of spectacular events. We returned to the temple on Thursday for the first time in eleven years together. The peace that Elder McCune blessed our family with is holing us up. I feel my Savior again. I am not going to say this is an easy feat, because every moment the darkness wants to creep in, wants to make me feel unworthy, unloved, defeated, but I am trying to stay in the light. I try to remember the words spoken to me; God loves me. He wants the best for me. I am not being punished. Things just happen. So many other important words that hold me up when I want to get down. I have a family that loves me and I need to be strong for Harlen. He needs me. I need to get busy and get this house clean. I need to repaint the bathroom because it has mold and Harlen cannot be around it. In the last 11 years I have not done much, just what was needed. I pray for the strength to get past myself and get it done.

Am I Ready?

I feel pressured to take giant steps in my renewed belief in God. I like to live life in the slow lane, but I feel a constant question from the other side to rethink what happened last Sunday. Today the bishop asked me if I wanted a temple recommend. What? I have only taken the sacrament twice in 11 years and today is one of them. Why not? I am not doing anything against the standards of the church. I am a cloned Mother Theresa. I jest, but really the standards are not my problem. My problem is with God and the life I have been given. I feel like a cry baby sometimes, but it has been rough and there is not much sunshine for future days. In fact we are in a fight for our lives again. Harlen is looking at a year before he will be back to his norm. The transplant is being set up for about 2 months from now with all of the testing between him and the donor. Then it is 5 weeks in the hospital followed by 100 days living within a 30 minute drive to the hospital. We still have Giles and Lea at home. Our plan is to have Maya move home to take care of them while Harlen is in recovery. Giles is a senior. This is going to be interesting trying to juggle every event. But first things first Harvest is here and how will we do it all? One day at a  time and now I will be doing it in garments. Wow things change fast. I have felt naked lately. I guess it is time.

Rhiannon's birth dad was killed in an airplane crash on Wednesday. Kenneth was just 50 with 4 children and a loving wife that need him. How is this part of a plan?

After my recommend interview I was engulfed in ugliness. I was angry and shaking and scared wondering if I had done the right thing. It passed with Harlen by my side. There is peace in our home again. Peace in my heart. I am hopeful Harlen will make it through this. the odds mean nothing.

My day with a Seventy

Readers of this blog know the pain and bitterness I have had since Loughlin died, hell since Rhiannon died, since I was raped, since I was molested. I felt I was unworthy to be in the presence of others. I felt unloved. I felt like I was being punished for my horrible sins. Then when Harlen was diagnosed I wondered why it wasn't me or was that just another trial for this family.

But on Sunday a member of the Seventy came to visit our family. Everyone came to church. Cyrus, McKayla, True, Katlyn, Maya, Juve, Giles and Lea. Elder McCune came to talk to our family. He asked first if anyone had any questions. Harlen about bruised my ribs trying to get me to talk. I asked my prodding question that lingers in my mind for years. If there was a loving Heavenly Father that actually cared about us here on Earth, whether I was being punished for my bad choices, I was really asking if God knew me. He spent 35 minutes of his hour with us addressing my question. the spirit was divine in that room and I felt like the Savior was there. He told me God loves me, that I have a huge heart and that it is Satan putting the doubts in my mind and my heart, blaming me for my children's death, beating myself up, making me feel unworthy of being loved. Satan is still working on me as I write down my experience. I have been so low that I thought I would never feel the warmth of the Son again. I hated myself for so many years. He told me none of this was true and Christ's atonement made it possible for me to feel his love again. I felt a peace that was lacking for most of my life.

He then gave Harlen a blessing promising that he would see his grandbabies, plural. We have a different spirit in our home now. It is peaceful. It is hopeful. There is unconditional love for we all know #FamilyIsEverything .

Chronic Myelomonocytic Leukemia (CMML)

That was the diagnoses given to Harlen just weeks ago. This is going to be a fight, but we are ready for it. We have lived through so much together we can do this too. I am sad and angry and sad, but determined.

The enjoyment of a debilitating panic attack

Not really. There is no joy in panic attacks. In fact you think you are dying and maybe you will one day. Of course you will one day, die. but a panic attack feels like you are dying right then.  Your chest hurts. Your neck stiffens. You have shortness of breath and are dizzy. Your lips and fingertips, even your feet are tingling. Wait those are the symptoms of a heart attack. Could I be having a heart attack? I am fat and completely out of shape. Questions like these make you panic more. Should I go to the Dr and get that same pandering pat on the back? Or will that only make you feel worse and kind of like a loser, which will add to the panic because your husband says he doesn't think you're a loser, but your extremities are numb for no fucking reason. YOU are a loser. Are you also crazy? You lost your balance going to pee and hit your head on the bathtub, but you are only dizzy because you are crazy, right? Why are you panicking he may or you may ask? How should I know? It could be the fact that you drove to Portland and back in 2 days for a softball camp that lasted until 6:30 pm, then there was an accident on the freeway and the sirens and lights make you think are we next? You still have a six hour drive. But this is insane? Driving until 2am is also insane, 3 days of complete insanity. A double shot in my arse again, but not for a real ailment like a migraine, but only because you feel like you are dying. You leave the Dr.'s office and you are stoned, and you are tired, but hey you are not in a total panic, but then the drugs wear off and you are once again panicked. How many Valiums can you take and still respond to human contact? If you take too many then you are in a panic you will run out before the end of the month. WTF! Where are the answers to my questions?

One sort of conclusion is don't DRIVE at all, never again.

She's having a baby

Cyrus and McKayla are pregnant and I am ecstatic! 9 weeks along looks like a January baby.

31 years later and my worst nightmare since Rhiannon's death

Woke up screaming in a cold sweat. It took me minutes before I realized I wasn't in 1988. Sitting up against my headboard, breathing erratic. Harlen frightened but understanding. No sleep would find me for 2 continuous nights. It was real to me. It wasn't reality, but it had been my reality. I am tired

Fahrenheit 451

My favorite book has a great quote on grief. Harlen and I listened to Fahrenheit 451 on our last roadtrip. I haven't read it since sophomore year in high school. I loved it again and wanted to share.

"Listen," said Granger, taking his arm, and walking with him, holding aside the
bushes to let him pass. "When I was a boy my grandfather died, and he was a
sculptor. He was also a very kind man who had a lot of love to give the world, and he helped clean up the slum in our town; and he made toys for us and he did a million things in his lifetime; he was always busy with his hands. And when he died, I suddenly realized I wasn't crying for him at all, but for the things he did. I cried because he would never do them again, he would never carve another piece of wood or help us raise doves and pigeons in the back yard or play the violin the way he did, or tell us jokes the way he did. He was part of us and when he died, all the actions stopped dead and there was no one to do them just the way he did. He was individual. He was an important man. I've never gotten over his death. Often I think, what wonderful carvings never came to birth because he died. How many jokes are missing from the world, and how many homing pigeons untouched by his hands. He shaped the world. He did things to the world. The world was bankrupted of ten million
fine actions the night he passed on." Ray Bradbury

Depression

Depression is a funny thing. It sweeps in for small reasons and decides on it's own how long to stay.

Today was the 1st time in a long time I just wanted to die. I have been alone way too much lately, too much time to think.

Growing Older

Everyday I grow older. You grow older. My kids grow older. Harlen grows older, and yet Loughlin stays 15 and Rhiannon stays that baby that I barely remember. He is Forever Fifteen...........

I want to start a non-profit organization that helps siblings who have lost a brother or a sister. I want to have group chats and group activities so that these kids don't feel alone in their pain. I would like someone to guide me in this endeavor.

Please comment below on how to start it. I want to call it #Forever15

Mirrors

I avoid mirrors as much as I can. Today as I was waiting for Harlen in the car, I looked in my rear view mirror. I was noticing all the wrinkles on my face. I thought of the years I have lived, but then I caught a glimpse of the scar below my lower lip, then the one above my right eye. The scars I have from running into the truck 11 years ago. Then as quick as I glanced in the mirror I was back in the suburban and Loughlin was dead on the bench behind me. The air left the van. I was left to my guilt and loneliness. Wrinkles to scars to I killed my son in less than 1 minute. PTSD? probably, but it is my life. This is not the life I chose. This is not a life I would choose even for my worst enemies. My family is everything to me.

Lea had a varsity game that we were on our way to. I was already in a mood. Lea didn't get to play. She was heartbroken. She cried. Lea never cries. She cried all the way home. She cried when we got home. She wrapped up in her comforter on her bed and cried. I went in and laid by her and cried with her. I hope it isn't how this year goes. I hope it gets better. Lea is a fantastic baller. She earned a spot on that team. I lived through 4 years of this with True. I am getting too old for the politics of this shit. I am tired. I love my baby girl. How do I sit back and watch another coach break my baby?

I got my new 10mm out and shot it for a while. I need the practice. True's going to come teach me how to be a better shot. I love that gun. Best Birthday present ever.

Today I just need an ear to listen.....I am not looking for you to fix me. Happy birthday Giles!

It's Giles's 17th birthday today. Another milestone in this family, and I can choose whether this milestone pulls me further into the abyss or I can celebrate that we all made it this far. I love this kid. He is amazing. He gets treated horribly by authority figures because of his hair and his inability to cow tow to the bullshit that attacks him. He is so strong, yet he loves to be told how proud you are of him. He treats with respect those who deserve it, but certainly is smart enough to ascertain those who don't. He is hilarious and plays the worst music in the world, but he loves it, and I love it when he smiles. He has experienced 2 more years than Loughlin did. 17 more years than Rhiannon did. There is the stone that sinks me further. I think I will just float on my back and rest a while. The deep can wait.

Spring but not really

I have had a long migraine, 7 days in fact, 9 shots, and finally I feel a little better today. The stress is taking over. Driving 8 hrs to my parents, worrying about my sick babies at home, staying a week helping my parents, driving 8 hrs home, never stopped raining. I know I have told you how much I hate driving. Life is a dream.

Giles and Lea started baseball and softball games yesterday. I watched from the car because I had just had a shot for my migraines. Giles pitched great 5 out of the 7 innings. His team just falling short of a victory. Lea is a freshman trying to play in the big leagues. Maybe she will play today. Giles is in Nyssa at 5pm and Lea in Notus at 5pm. I wish I could be in both places at the same time. Never enough of me.

It's still cold, perfect balling weather.

Inner

Storms a brewing.
Spirits are cooing.
Haunting my thoughts.
The have and have nots.
The silence is deafening.
Choking and threatening.
Where am I?Who am I? Am I really alive? Open my eyes. I can't drive.
You think you know how I feel, but you don't. You say open up, but I won't.
 I'm alone in my mind.
I'm one of a kind.
Another day passes by.
All I can do is just try.

Neverending Roller Coaster

I went to my niece's brother and sister in law's funeral on Saturday.  If you live close you know the story. The DeLeon's eere gunned down by Heidi's ex-husband on my birthday Sunday, January 6th. It was heart wrenching.  I could barely make it to the gravesite. I  hate funerals. Especially trauma based deaths.

My dad is turning 80 in February. He fell today and broke his pelvic/hip bone. I am stuck here feeling guilty because it is sale time and I am knee deep in our bull sale catalog.  Life never seems to slow down.  I am sooooo tired.

CHrIStmAS LeTtEr

Merry Christmas 2018

Lea is a Freshman and made the varsity volleyball team.

She never stops moving, involved in everything it seems.

The voice of an angel, yet the attitude of a lil’ devil.

Her achievements this year would make anyone revel.

Giles loves fast cars and can tell you everything about their horsepower.

He watches videos on how to make his eclipse faster for hours.

His baseball season seemed to last forever

Which pitch he should throw, man he is clever.

Maya graduated from high school and journeyed off to college.

To fill her head with mush and maybe some knowledge.

Getting great grades, missing her family, she has had quite a quarter.

Coming back to work at the school, she decided to make the drive shorter

True graduates in December with his associates, Business for Ag.

If personality gets a job, he has it in the bag.

He spends most his days with Katlyn hunting and fishing.

You can only imagine the wish his mom has been wishing.

Cyrus and McKayla have been married more than a year.

Happiness in life is what they appear.

Making his decision on what to do with his degree

Getting a job or a Masters, his future is free.

McKayla spends her day taking your blood pressure.

Being part of our family, she’s quite a treasure.

Harlen grew onions this year but the bulls are always on his mind.

He is always out looking for the best herd bull he can find.

He spends his free time with the kids and teaching the Word.

He does all of this and still takes care of our herd.

Exciting year for me, coaching softball for more than fifteen years.

Maya & I coached, in the end there were cheers.

For the 1^st time in our history we won the county championship.

Not to brag, but we just didn’t win we slaughtered. We whipped.

With Loughlin and Rhiannon not far from our thoughts.

Remembering the memories, there are really a lot.

Christmas time brings peace to our hearts.

The time we spend together are always the best parts.

We hope this letter finds you healthy and content.

Please know of our love and friendship that it’s sent.

Merry Christmas

The Garner Family

V-A-L Charolais Ranch