Back to School

Today I head back to school for the Spring quarter. I am nervous and anxious. Class starts at 8am. I better start moving.

Sadness

I wish that my good days out numbered the bad but no matter how I try I cannot keep the happiness with me. I am tired of trying, tired of church and church related activities that make me feel worse than I already do. I am looking for a vacation from anything religious, spiritual or activities meaning to uplift my spirit. they seem to have an opposite effect on my soul. I just miss my son more than I can explain in words. I miss Rhiannon now too. There is an emptiness that engulfs my soul. I am happy around my kids but it wears me out, I have never been much of an actress.

Cute pictures of Lough and Cy and Keenan when they were young.

Thanks Holly!

A Pretty Great Day!

Yesterday Harlen took the day off and all of us went to Boondocks for a day of fun. We began at a very fun restaurant that serves all sorts of wings, then off to laser tag, race tracks, miniature golf and video games. It was a day of small miracles and coincidences, that weren't simply coincidences. The most important thing is that we had a great time! The kids were happy, for the first time in a long time I saw smiles, not make believe but real smiles on their beautiful faces. I am grateful for that.
While miniature golfing I got 5 hole in ones out of the first 6 holes, some of these were one handed because I was carrying Maya's purse wit the other, some were blinded because I wasn't paying attention, the most incredible one was helping Lea. The ball bounced off the rock about 3 ft in the air and then landed in the hole. It was amazing!!
Cyrus was awesome at slick track and True gave Lea a great ride on the Road Track. Maya and Giles enjoyed everything, especially the crazy games they win tickets on. Harlen and I were happy just watching the joy.
Kelly Trout, our auctioneer for our bull sale, was there. Harlen and him had a good chat, then much to our surprise Cyrus' and Maya's nurse from St. Alphonsus came up to talk to us all. She just happens to be Kelly's niece. She was the most incredible nurse. She made those most difficult days bearable. We wanted so bad to get a hold of her but neither could remember her name. We had thought of her often wanting to do something nice for her, in return for her kindness. She just happened to be the niece of another who was a gift in our life. Kelly did such a wonderful job on our sale this year and really helped make another hard day easier.
I thought of Loughlin often yesterday. Boondocks was his favorite place to go. We forgot our camera which is terrible because it was a day worth remembering.
I talked to my bishop a couple of nights ago too. As my posts have told I am in a real difficult time in this grieving process. I have more questions than answers and they seem to weigh heavy on my heart. Bishop didn't offer the answers but he did give me some hints on how to get out of the darkness. Sometimes it is hard to serve others when your own storm is so fierce but that is what I am going to put my heart and soul into, that is when I shine and that is the only way out of this fog. I even prayed today, a real prayer. I am hoping for some better days. I am hoping for my Father's love to be with me.
Eric Clapton sings two beautiful songs that I love, one is Tears in Heaven and the other is 'My Father's Eyes'. He lost a son a couple of years ago and these songs he wrote in his storm. I enjoy listening to them. I love that he found God through his trial. I thought it ironic that he found God and I was losing my faith in God. That thought alone has made me look for my faith again.

Happiness evades me.

Spring Break, a break from school that I usually love, that I look forward to since the end of Christmas break. There is nothing that I use to enjoy more than having all of my kids home with me for a whole week, just us, catching up, having fun, spring projects, readying for the garden but not this year. Each thought comes with so much sorrow, so much regret, so much longing that I can barely handle the pain. I can feel my heart beat outside my chest, I cannot breath without a struggle, I am physically sick. I see the world changing but I hope not my life. I want to stay where I am at. I want to stay in a place where I will not forget, where I will miss him everyday, where I will remember his sweet smile because I know there comes a time when the memories fade along with the pain. I think I would rather keep both than lose him in my mind. I will take the pain for an eternity if that means I can remember his laugh, the way he loved my chocolate chip cookies or begged to go fishing. If I lose him like I did Rhiannon, the memories, I will be lost. He was my first boy, the one I invested my heart and soul into, the one who could do anything he tried with little effort, the one who knew how important some things were in life and how meaningless other things were. He was mature beyond his years and always reached out. He would worry about Harlen and I every time we left home. He would call three or four times while we were on a date just to check in. There are no calls now, no when are you going to be home, no watching the clock to see if we make it before midnight. Everyone is asleep when we get home now. I miss him so much it is hard to live. Is he still watching out for the little ones? Is he still watching out for his mom and dad?

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.

I just returned from a road trip to California with Harlen to deliver bulls. It was a very tough two days, missing my kids who were home and going to Red Bluff, a place where our family spent so many years together working and having so much fun. I lost my phone on the trip. I must have kicked it out on one of our stops. I could care less about the phone but I do care about what was on it, text messages from Loughlin, that now like him are gone forever. I find it ironic how just a month ago I was elated to have found those messages in a folder they did not belong in on my phone. How grateful I was to have something from Loughlin to me that I could cherish but just like the mug he had given me in the 4th grade, that I broke, his messages are gone because of a careless mistake on my part. I am finding everyday of this mundane life of mine extremely difficult. I am so bitter over losing Lough that I have a difficult time enjoying life's simple pleasures(if there are any). Depression has taken a deep hold on my mind, making me tired, and indifferent to my surroundings. How did it get to be Spring? The last thing I really remember was wondering what the kids were going to be for Halloween..... then Loughlin was lying there, not moving and my family's life is changed forever. At times I don't think I am going to make it through. No one can answer my questions, there answers are in a circular, non-meaningful pattern. It all surrounds faith, of which I have little. I am just breathing today, nothing else, no goals, no laughter, no light.

Homework

I am trying to accomplish 4 weeks of homework in 2 days. I went to bed late last night and I am sure tonight will be even later. Two finals tomorrow and then I am done for 2 weeks. I am very excited and can't wait for a couple of days with girlfriends just to unwind and relax add in one trip to Utah to deliver bulls and maybe life will seem a little better. I plan on painting my living room a very sunny color also. Wish me luck. Today seems better maybe because I am so very busy. Never an hour goes by without missing my young man.

I am for a 6 day week, forget Sunday!

I cried today, not my usual cry for a few minutes and then recover, I cried until my eyes were blurry, my throat ached, my hands trembled. I walked outside to cry out to a Lord that doesn't feel present anymore, asking for some relief from this overwhelming anguish that encompasses my heart. Why? Why? Why? Why? I thought I had given enough. Why take him from me too. Why when you took my first and changed my life forever. Why would you feel a need to take another? Why leave all of the other mothers with their children clinging to them, smiling at them, making them proud. Why make me watch and listen as those young men pass the sacrament, bear their testimonies and talk about how strong they are growing in the gospel? Is it fair? Are my shoulders able to carry this burden? My soul is in agony. It is so easy for some to keep their testimonies strong when nothing ever destabilizes it, touches it, crushes it. But I am clinging on to mine with my fingernails, I am slipping, so many questions and no one to answer them. It is God's way or God's way is not our way or Loughlin was needed in Heaven, or Loughlin is in a better place,or his death brought a community together(my least favorite) all answers that fall flat on an aching heart. There is no shelter from this storm, no cover for my life. It is getting harder not easier. I do not know the way out of this tempest. He is not here to calm it. The gale is getting stronger and I am alone in my pain.

Raising Men

I have a really hard time not being hard on myself after this accident. I blame myself for the actual wreck but I also scrutinize the way I raised Loughlin. I am especially hard on myself because I was so very strict with him, many rules, high expectations.

I thought today though that I never set out to raise 15 year old boys. I wanted to raise men. My intent was to raise my sons to be the fathers, workers and leaders of tomorrow. If I had known I would only have Loughlin for a mere 15 years, I would have parented completely different. the things that were important on the eternal basis would not have changed but the temporal things would not have been important. Grades and work would have taken a back seat to fun and pleasure. We would have went fishing instead of reading Charles Dickens. I would have taught more about hunting and less about algebra.

These last few days have been so long and I am looking for anything to help raise the mood. Giles and Maya started soccer last Friday. I was taken back to the fun times with Loughlin during the Fall when the rest of the kids were participating in sports and me and Lough would talk, go to the store and just hang out. It made me miss him. I looked over at the skate park and remembered Loughlin attempting the jumps.(He was always so careful, he didn't take many chances)It made me ache for his company, for his smile, for his laugh. I am having a hard time looking forward to a life without him in it. This soccer season may be the longest in history, certainly the hardest. This started a series of unfortunate days. I can't sleep, study or smile. I am exhausted that makes me over-emotional and I cry at the landing of the snow geese in my field(Loughlin always wanted to shoot one) or looking out at only 3 steers for the fair instead of 4 or making brownies on Sunday afternoon(a job Lough relished in). I am just tired of being tired.

Rainy Days and Mondays always get me down.

As a farmer's wife, I always use to change the words to this song to, Rainy days and Mondays always make me smile, but life has changed completely for me. Rainy days were great because Harlen did not have to work and could spend some time with us and Mondays always seemed new because of the spiritual strength I had just received from Sunday. Harlen use to smile when I sang along with that song on the radio but changed the words. Yesterday I heard the song again and thought how ironic that it is exactly opposite of how it use to be. Rainy days are hard to handle when you are already trying to keep a smile on your face. It seems the darkness easily creeps in when you can find no sunshine. And each Monday I relive the morning of the accident. I go through in my mind what we were doing that morning and it is always eerily the same as it was every Monday morning before and after but because of one thing that was different, my life will never be the same. As Uchtdorf once commented on, it is all a matter of degrees, how just small degrees can change everything.

Harlen is completely down with his back. He can barely stand for a few minutes. He has so much to do and the stress can not be good. I am hoping he will ask for a blessing soon. If it helped just a little bit I would be grateful.

I dreamed of Loughlin last night. It was a little strange but it was still him and how it use to be. It is the first time since the accident that I have seen him in my dreams. I am exhausted, maybe that is the key though to get really tired. I loved seeing him even if it was make believe. I love him.

One of my Best Friends in the whole world and her new grandbaby Stella Louise Thompson. Congratulations Norm and Julie, she is so beautiful.

It seems forever since I posted

I wanted to post on a good day for once. The last three days have been manageable once again for me. I have been busy and have kept my thoughts in check, which is a gold medal feat for me. I still have doubts that creep in but I believe now it is something I will work through in my own time. I cannot force a testimony on myself. I can feel God around me most of the time. I can feel him comfort me when I ask. I know he has blessed my family's lives throughout these last four months and still blesses us each day.
Harlen's back is giving him trouble. He has so much to do and it worries me that he is stuck in here thinking of everything he needs to get done. I wish I could help take some of his burden but I am not that good of a farmer.
I am still cautious about feeling secure. There are days when I look for things that could go wrong but I am strengthened by my families love, in knowing that we will deal with the trials as they are presented. I think it was Lincoln that once said, Thank God the future comes one day at a time. for each day for me is a baby step back to a life that is joyful, certainly not the same joy I felt before losing Loughlin but I believe one day it will be a new joy, one that will feel most of the space in this lonely heart, that I will catch myself smiling just because I am happy and no other reason. Tonight I am thinking of the other moms of angels that are struggling. Know that I am praying for you as I know you do for me on my bad days.
I am hoping for a peaceful night.

The headstone

Families are Forever

Today we are finishing Loughlin's headstone. We have put it off long enough and I am tired of going to a grave with no marker on it. I hope we choose wisely. It is what we will see each time we visit. I asked a special prayer this morning that God would be with us all of the day, that he will strengthen us, that he will walk with me and hold me up when I feel I am not going to make it through.

Remembering a time when.......

Today on the way home from school, Maya would not stop crying over a ball that belonged to Giles but that she wanted. We were in the car and it is very small with 5 kids and me in it. I asked her to calm down about 5 times and then pulled off the side of the road and asked her if she wanted to walk the rest of the way home. (I know some of you must think that pretty harsh but we live in the country and we were not far from home) she walks on these country roads often. As I said it, both Cyrus and I looked at each other because we both remembered a time when Loughlin decided to walk home rather than ride in the car with 'HIS FAMILY'. He was mad at his brother and probably at me too. He walked a little ways while I took the other kids home and then turned to go and pick him up. He was upset when I got to him because he had lost a picture that a very cute girl at the school had given him when he got out of the car. It was getting dark and the sun was just going down behind the butte. I told him to get in and we turned around and went to look for the picture. In just a short time we found his treasure and all was forgiven. I kept his secret about the crush. I loved those times with him, just me and him. He was so sweet when no one was watching and so proper when they were. Memories such as that are bitter sweet. I love to remember but wish I did not have to.

Hollow Imposter

I thought this morning that my life feels like a hollow impostor of what it once was. I wake-up each morning same as I did 4 months ago but nothing is the same, not the way I shower, nor how I get ready(if I do), how I wake-up the kids or take them to school. Everything is different. I am trying so hard everyday to make life as normal as I can for my husband and my kids. This morning I broke down after taking Lea to preschool. I stopped at Loughlin's grave, which we have not finalized the headstone for yet, and cried and yelled inside to God; why does he keeps sending me trials that are crippling my soul? It is said trials are to stretch the soul but I feel like Elastic woman without the super powers, like my soul has been stretched so much it is sagging like after someone loses a whole bunch of weight there skin sags. They were once full like me, full of life and joy but it is gone and all there is left is sagging skin and souls. I use to find joy in reading and studying but I cannot control my thought long enough to enjoy the knowledge. I watch Cyrus and True and they are the same way. They cannot stay on task. Their thoughts wander and long projects are impossible to finish. How do we get back to a real life and not a replica of a life? How do I hold this once impermeable family together? How do I open my heart again to my husband, to others when I am so frightened of being crushed, broke, stifled. I pray everyday to my Father in Heaven to help me take these walls down, but I keep building them higher, stronger. Harlen told me this morning that he thought I was too strong; How can one be too strong when they feel whipped, wilted, wore out?

All of my angels

In the midst of the heartache, there have been so many angels surrounding me. Earth angels that have held me up when I could not stand myself, that have called or emailed me on my darkest days, others that have posted words of encouragement on my posts, neighbors and friends that have gave more than anyone should be asked to give. I am grateful for them all. I am in awe at the love shown to my family, at the arms that are out stretched to give me that much needed hug, for those kind words that are spoken or written on my behalf. My heart is full.

Everyday I wake up with a hopeful heart that the day will be better than the one previous. Some days, that dream comes true, other days I have a hard time even breathing. I live just 200 yards from where Loughlin died. I drive up and down that road 6 or 7 times a day. It hits me hard every time I do. It is like an invisible wall that I pass through, it takes my joy, it takes my breath and leaves me alone and sad and nauseated. I live the day over and over and over again in my mind. It zaps my energy and removes any chance of keeping the smile on my face. Cooking, laundry, homework, chores, all remind me that Loughlin is gone. It is hard to muster the courage for another day but with the love and help of others, I know I can do this. It is a process, a long hard, exhausting process, but somehow my family will make it through, with all of your love and prayers we will make it through.

Thank you!

Finding joy in the moment.

Some of the feelings of regret I have, after the death of Loughlin, have to do with not finding joy in what we were doing at the time but always wondering when life would slow down or finding a time when we could have fun as a family. I have a lot of guilt because I wasted time on frivolous, trivial things when I could have spent that time with Loughlin. I read in a conference talk today a quote that says,"You pile up enough tomorrows, you'll find you have a lot of empty yesterdays" I am trying each day to make a memory with my remaining children here on Earth, to make sure they know I love them and to hug each one of them before they go to bed. How I wish I had just one more day to do each of those three things with Loughlin.

I wish at times I had a way to stop my thoughts or at least slow them down. I do not think there is a time in the day when I relax. I take every word someone says and dissect it. I look for meaning in things that are not meant to have a deeper meaning. I am tired of my thoughts. I am tired of questioning my faith. I am tired of thinking. Do you think there is a therapy out in the medical world that can stop the thought process if not just for an hour? Some peace would be nice, some solace, some comfort. My mind and soul will not allow any of these.

I know asking the question "why?" is not productive but it is where my minds seems to wander every day, almost every hour. Why did this happen? Why did God think I would be strong enough to handle this again? What did I do that was so bad to deserve this kind of pain? Did he take Loughlin because I am not a good enough mother to raise such a fine young man?

I am so grateful for this blog where I can just empty my feelings out on the screen and try to work through them. When I read my questions, I know the answers but I do not want to hear them. I am still angry. I know that my Savior felt all of this and more but I am not a God. I am but a mother, missing her son and having a hard time finding joy in the life that he left me. My children are my life and when 2/7 are taken it is hard to feel whole. Knowing I will have them both after the second coming is sometimes a hollow promise. It does little to take the pain that I feel now from my heart. The second coming could come tomorrow and I would be glad.

One of my all-time favorite shows is "It's a Wonderful Life". I sometimes question whether if I had to do it all over would I have chose this path with the pain accompanied with the joy or would I have chose another without a marriage and children. I am sure my answer is different today than it would have been 6 months ago or it will be even a year from now.

Our Sale

The sale went very well yesterday. It was one of our better sales, in fact we have not done this well in 6 years. Norman and Julie Bennett donated a heifer to begin the sale for a scholarship fund in Loughlin's name. It sold 6 times with each person donating the heifer back to re-sell again. This was very emotional on an already emotional day. I am once again overwhelmed with the generosity of our friends and neighbors. I know we would not be able to get through this trial without them. I had so much help with the sale this year. Friends and Neighbors pitched in to cook, make cookies and bake potatoes so that left me enough energy to get my other important tasks done. I don't think I would have made it without all of the help. My parents and brother Kurt were up here to help and Harlen's mom and Fred did what they could to help also. All in all it was a day to be grateful for.

Today I miss Loughlin more than I have for a very long time. I don't know whether I am really exhausted or tired of being strong. I am sad that I did not have my oldest son to celebrate the day with. I missed him looking out the window at Cyrus and True working the gates during the sale. I could almost hear him say, "Mom, how did it go?"He was always worried about me and his dad. He was such a good kid, I hardly ever had to worry about him. Oh how I wish I could hold him in my arms again. My body aches with the desire to tell him how I love him. I keep wishing for a do over and I know I can never have it. He is never coming home again. What an inconsolable thought. I will never hear his laugh again or see him smile that beautiful smile or get excited over the smallest things you would do for him. I will never see him wrestle with his brothers or get so nervous showing that steer. He is really gone. There is no nightmare to wake up from only this Earthly existence that seems so normal now but so unique and horrid. I pray for some strength today, some comfort, some love from my Father in Heaven. Loughlin I miss you.

Does Faith Heal Everything?

In church today our relief society lesson was on apostatizing. One comment by the teacher was to the fact, that if you have enough faith trials will not be hard. Do you think that is true? Or is it as I believe that trials are hard and prayer and faith only soften the tribulation and anguish you go through.
I walk through my life everyday wondering if I will make it this hour without breaking down, wondering if I can stay strong, wondering if my prayers will comfort the pain, wondering if I will ever feel as if I can breath normally again. I walk through life a little stifled, wondering what is next, wondering if the Lord will still send more trials my way and hoping I can get through more if they do come. I hope for a kind word from a friend but shy away from crowds because I am afraid of the looks that are aimed in my direction, the watching to see if I can actually withstand this mortal life's trials. It is a funny way to live, always expecting something in return but not willing to stick my heart on the line to receive the blessings that are out there for the grabbing. I have a hard time even opening up to my husband. The walls that I am building today will be hard to bring down. I know this yet I still build them bigger and stronger than I did before. I am still a slow learner.
Our sale is Tuesday. I hope it goes well. I have lots of things that need to be done but I cannot get excited about any of them.

Wondering when they are coming home

I was talking to a good friend yesterday, who lost a daughter to childbirth when she was only 20. I asked if the feeling ever leaves of wondering when they are coming home. It seems at least two times a day I wonder when Loughlin will be home from a friends, from sports or from working out on the farm. I know most are probably thinking that that seems a strange feeling but when you think about someone for 16 years of your life, you grow accustom to be concerned for their well-being. Every night at supper time I miss Loughlin so much, every night at bedtime I think about getting him to bed on time, every morning when I wake the boys for school, I wonder if Loughlin had homework he needed to get up early and do. I miss him so much. The piece of my soul that is gone is not healing. My heart feels so empty without him here. My house feels so strange, that it almost is not my house. Everything is the same but everything is different. All that is left is pictures and memories and they just don't do anything to change the mood. I cannot get use to him not being here. I don't think I will ever understand why God felt it necessary to take him from us. Why did He think I was strong enough to go through this again? I feel wilted. Where is the well that I can drink from so that I will never thirst again?

After losing Rhiannon, I remember feeling this way but I met Harlen, got married, and with each child a little of that hole was filled with the love for the other children. How do you feel a hole when you are through with that time in your life? There will be no more children and is that the way it should be done anyway? Does one child replace the love you felt for another? I am venting today. I am grateful for this blog so that I can express my feelings in a positive manner. I feel a little better after venting.

The un-welcomed visitor

Harlen is feeling better and Grief is back. It's funny how he stays away when there are other things that call for my attention but when life starts looking up, he is back. He creeps into my dreams and makes me worry about others in my life. He makes me think of sad times instead of all the joyful times I had with Loughlin. He is relentless in kneeling on my chest so that I cannot breath. He makes the guilt enter my heart and control my thoughts. He never leaves my mind to rest. He makes me so tired. He is a visitor that is not welcomed but will not leave our house, even if we plead. I am grateful for him, because I know I have to live with him for a while or he will hang with me for the rest of my life. I hope soon that he finds someone else to visit some of the days of the week. I hope it is soon he lets me have joy again.
There is so much to do in the next week. Our bull sale is Feb 17 and it is a lot of work on a normal year. I am grateful for friends who help us get through all of this. I can still feel your prayers and I am so grateful.

Pray for us

Please pray for my family. Life just shouldn't be this hard.

Fortune Cookie

The pressure on my chest is back. There isn't any oxygen anywhere I go today. I am trying to keep the darkness out but it keeps wanting to creep in to my soul.

Harlen took us to the Chinese Buffet tonight for dinner. I could hardly walk in the building. The air felt so thick that my feet did not want to move through the door. Loughlin loved to go there. The sorrow was overwhelming at times and the tears came more than once. In the end my fortune cookie read, "Time heals all wounds, keep your chin up". Coincidence?

7, is all that is left. I have never liked that number but it is prime, divisible of just itself and one. Does that make us safer? I think I am looking for anything to build back that safety barrier over our family. I feel I have no control of my life, that God will do what he wants no matter how I act or what I do. How can 7 seem so alone? I could not think at school at all today. I sat and looked at my test paper, blankness filled my mind, my head ached, my heart hurt and I wanted so bad just to call it a day. I will be glad for the pillow tonight.

Cyrus' day was just as bad as mine. I am thinking just home schooling for the rest of the year is the best choice. The teachers and counselors in his school will not keep their mouths closed. They seem to not know how to keep their feet out of their bocas. I can not keep repairing damage to a fractured heart, a tormented soul. He is only 13. How can he be expected to endure this? I almost wonder if they know what they are doing. They seem to rally around the other teachers when someone makes a complaint about one of their own, as I did with the new counselor(I use that word very loosely) I guess they do not care who is hurt in the process. He will be staying home with me tomorrow. They have won this one but we will be back to battle another day with new recruits and enforcements and a couple of days rest.

A Great Discovery!

Today, as I was waiting to talk to one of my professors and messing with my phone, I made a great discovery. When I first started texting my messages went into the SMS folder instead of my text folder. I had forgot about that but today I opened it. There were 8 test messages from Loughlin. What a gift. Some were from when we were at Lagoon. What a fun trip that was. I am so glad now we decided to go. Things were so hectic then but I got Harlen to go anyway. Those memories will never happen again but they are embedded in my mind. Loughlin loved it. He used to be so scared of those rides but this time he was the ring leader. He even got me to go on the "Wicked". Crazy! That was one of the greatest times we had as a family. Little treasures, like those messages, are what I have left of my son. They help me remember and carry on.

How much is it worth?

It is quiet in my house. I am not tired so I am just thinking aloud.



I have been pondering about my actions a lot lately and how they might affect others around me. There have been many occasions over the last couple of months that someone has said something, or wrote something, or done something that really has bettered my life or worsened my day. It is incredible that a complete stranger can lift your spirit with just a, "Hope you have a nice day" or, "Can I help you with that."



Loughlin's favorite scripture was, "If you have done it unto the least of these my brethren, you have done it unto me." I don't think I ever really seriously invested time into wondering how much each one of my actions I perform each day could affect someone else for good or for bad. How just taking a moment to write a letter to an old friend or neighbor might improve their spirits, or helping someone with their groceries or for that matter trying to rescue your brother out of the grips of hell can and does change their hearts and their lives. Each one of us has the ability to save lives, to offer support, to put our arms around someone that thinks they have no where to go, to help a little one get a drink from a fountain, to make cookies for your children who miss their brother more than words can express, or we can choose to look inward, to only worry about ourselves, to think our time is precious and it is our time, to walk by a crying woman without asking if you can do something to help.

I know which way Christ would want us to live because he chose to stop, to serve, to love and to teach. Each act of kindness or service is an act of teaching. It is our way we leave this world a better place than how we found it. I know Loughlin always gave more than he took. I know because many have told me, "Loughlin was one of my best friends", "He always made me smile", or " He took the time to go the extra mile in service", and one little Hispanic woman that could barely speak English told Harlen, "Your son even helped us poor folk". He was what I have always wanted to be but sometimes thought I was too busy to stop and help. He was what Christ wants us all to be. At thirteen he was a giant among men.
We have this great young man in our ward named Brandon. He was born too early and had a lot of complications. He is now 14 and is struggling physically and mentally again. Loughlin loved Brandon. He invited him along and always wanted to protect him or help him anyway he could. His family was so grateful for how he treated Brandon and I feel blessed to have had Loughlin for a son. He made me a better person by watching him live. He changed lives in life and still even in death. The crowd at his funeral was a testament to my son's life.


I wish the Lord would grant me just one more hour to spend with him. I have so much to tell him, starting with I love you son.

Family Home Evening

Last night Maya conducted our family home evening. It was on forever families and Kurt joined us. Maya asked him to give the closing prayer and his prayer was beautiful. He talked about how grateful he was for families that cared. He slept here again last night. I don't want him to stay down at my mom's house. It is so nice having him here. I haven't spent much time with him since I left home. It seems that one of us was always to busy when there could have been an opportunity. I am thankful we got him to come up here with us. My kids love him so much and he is so wonderful with them.

True, Giles and Maya are doing a little better. They seem to be handling the loss a little better and so am I to a point. It matters what day you ask me on. I miss him more than words can say. It is so empty without him here. It is sort of like legs on a table. There use to be six holding up everything in our life. Our kitchen table is the catch all for everything that comes into the house. Now that table is leaning over because Loughlin was the caretaker of the other 5. He is gone and no amount of books can prop up that leaning table. The others always looked to him for strength and guidance in times such as these. Cyrus is not ready for that role yet. He is barely taking care of himself.

It bothers me that I never got to say goodbye. I found this picture the other day. It is of Loughlin down at my family reunion last year. It is on my computer as a background now. The wave that I miss is there to greet me every morning telling me goodbye. I still wish I could see him again. Harlen tells me it would never be enough. I know it wouldn't but it would be nice. Oh I can't wait for the second coming. I am ready for it tomorrow.

Rescuing Kurt

On Saturday I received a disturbing phone call from my mom concerning my brother, Kurt. He has had a lot of trouble in his life as of late and was thinking suicide. My parents were frantic. I called him and tried to talk him out of it over the phone. I tried to get across to him how much I love him and how much my kids love him, that even if he didn't think so we needed him. Harlen, Cyrus and I left Saturday night at 6:30 to go and get him. He is staying with us now. I don't think I could live through another loss in my life right now. I hope by being with my family he will get the desire to find a way out of the choices he is making in his life.
Cyrus is really struggling through his days. I wish what happened on Thursday would not have happened. It feels like we are starting all over with getting Cyrus back to some kind of normalcy in his life. What a counselor!!
I am hoping for our prayers and those of others to get us through another difficult time.

Cyrus

Today I thought I would write about Cyrus, my second oldest son, who has now had to take the role as oldest. He is a great kid. He is very strong in his beliefs and very vocal about wanting you to know them from the Gospel to football all the way to politics. He would give Glenn Beck a run for his money. In the accident Cyrus broke both his legs. Both legs were pinned and plated. He was in a wheel chair for about 2 months. One day he decided he had had enough and started walking. He is so strong and when he passed the Sacrament for the first time 2 weeks ago it made me cry. He is tougher than he knows.

Cyrus is struggling. Loughlin and Cyrus were best friends. They were just a year a part in school and always did things together. Each night before going to sleep they would talk to each other about their lives, their feelings, their dreams, their fears. From the time that Cy was born, I dressed them the same and always had them together. He has never known life without him until now.

He is having a hard time dealing with Loughlin's passing. Being in Jr. High exasperates the situation. I'm sure we all remember what it is like to have everyone staring at you when small things happen but this is far from small. Cy doesn't want to go to school. He is very far behind and struggles staying on task since Loughlin's death. He use to be a straight "A" student. He doesn't like being with friends anymore. He says they have nothing in common and he is not interested in what they are doing. He is 13 going on 25 with this knowledge and experience. I wish I could give him back his childhood but I am afraid it is gone forever.

Today at school in a nonsense class they make them take a horrendous thing happened. The class is college prep and the teacher, who is also the school counselor, talked about a subject that should be off limits in a normal situation but with a boy who had just lost his brother two months earlier it was completely insane. She brought up a time in college when she took a class on dealing with grief. The class took her to a mortuary and an embalming room. She went on to explain to the kids just what happens in that process, the draining of the blood in graphic detail etc. When I picked Cy up from school he was to the point of physical sickness. He was beyond upset. I wonder what school she went to to get a degree in school counseling. I should ask just to make sure I don't attend or send my children there. I am trying to be nice about it. I am trying to walk in her shoes but it is difficult to forgive when someone hurts your child like this. I am sure she did not intentionally mean to upset him but isn't knowing your audience the first thing that is taught. I am aware of who is around me every time I open my mouth. I am always very careful about what I say so I don't hurt someones feelings and I don't even have any training except in life. How can you heal these wounds? How are we going to get him to go to school tomorrow? He really needs your prayers to see him through this. He misses Loughlin so much. He is so lonely and sad without him.

Dealing with this is hard but watching your children struggle through it crushes your heart. I wish I could take their pain away. I love them so very much. I have a hard time understanding why when families are central to Heavenly Father's plan he would put our family through this. I have seen many destroyed by less. I pray we can stay strong together as a family and strong in the gospel.

Dark Days

The last week was black. I lived through the darkest days of my life. There were a few moments when friends reached out that I thought I would make it but then I would fall back into the darkness. A place so dark that there really was no light. The adversary was winning and without Harlen, I believe, he would have won the battle. I was losing my testimony, not of my church, but of any God. I have never felt such despair, such loneliness, such heartache. I wanted so bad to punish myself for the death of Loughlin that I have been telling myself there could be no God. For if there were a God, then all of the truths I have been taught or have learned through my life would take that blame from me, that Loughlin only had to spend a short time on this Earth to accomplish his mission, that Jesus Christ knows my pain, my anguish, my darkness for he has felt it and only he can take this burden from my shoulder. That He is in control not me.

I have been through this before. I guess you could say I am not a fast learner. After the death of my first child, Rhiannon, I blamed myself. I was her mother. She had low blood sugar and was suppose to be fed every 3 hrs. I set my alarm to wake up and feed her. The alarm either did not work or I slept through it. When I awoke she was gone and I could blame myself. I started making wrong choices again to numb the blame and the pain I felt. It took a couple of years then until I saw the light. I guess I am learning faster. I am sure there will be days when I will blame myself again but the relief I felt yesterday and today is incredible.

On Friday we went to the temple with friends. I was trying so hard to feel some sort of relief or comfort from the anguish that I was feeling. I sat through a session wanting a miracle, wanting to see Loughlin again, to feel his presence, to know he is fine. I was so worn out from the darkness that I could barely keep my eyes opened. I would close them hoping for something but the image I saw was Christ with his arms opened wide. It was not what I thought I wanted though. I wanted to see Loughlin. I had no faith of a life after death at the time and I was truly lost. I left the temple exhausted, sad and angry. I had thought I had not received the answer I was looking for but he was screaming in my ear. I just didn't want to hear it. I was being selfish. I was taking everyone down with me and I didn't care. Jesus was telling me that only through him could I find the peace I was searching for. Seeing Loughlin would not sustain me for long because Loughlin has spoke to me since his death and look where I was. A couple of days after the funeral I was standing in the dressing room by myself, probably the first time I had been alone since the accident. I heard a voice say, "Hey Mom" I looked around and no one was there. I heard it again and felt this overwhelming peace, like his arms were around me. He always got my attention by saying those words. I took that beautiful experience and questioned it. I questioned myself whether I had really heard it. I always wondered how after Laman and Lemuel had seen an angel of God could turn against his Word. I see now how it could be done. I am guilty of the same. Both Loughlin and Jesus Christ have been with me through all of this but I have been blind, deaf and dumb. I have been selfish. I know now that there is no way but through Him. I have made a decision to follow Him wherever he may lead me. This is not the path I wanted but it is the path he has chosen for me. I use to tell Loughlin to suck it up when times got hard. I am sure he is whispering those words in my ear. I know I will have to work through much more in the coming years but I will not try to do it again without my Father's love. There is no way but with Him.

Just One More Day

I often wonder what I'd tell you if I was given one more day.

One more moment together here on Earth; what would I choose to say?

I think I'd spend those hours just holding your sweet hand,

And together we'd remember life, since the day that yours began.

I'd want to get across to you the pride I feel inside,

And how each year those feelings grew as like the ocean tide.

I'd love to take you fishing hoping you caught the biggest one.

I'd spend that day just sitting close until the setting sun.

I'd tell you just how sorry I feel for sometimes being cruel,

And if I had another chance I'd always follow that golden rule.

God placed you in my loving arms and at times I just forgot,

To look to Him for guidance in all the things you sought.

I just ignored that truth, that we only have a little while,

To teach you all that you should learn, each moment help you smile.

I can sit around and tell myself that life just isn't fair,

or use my time to show my love to the ones whose life I share.

So today I'll make an effort to choose the latter one,

To live my life and make you proud until my days are done.

Me

Answers to prayers

I don't think it is just coincidence that after 4 really hard days I prayed for some relief and wow it came in so many forms in the last few days that it should sustain me for a little while. I have an incredible cousin that turned me on to a family blog in Park City, Utah of some incredible parents that lost their daughter last May. I have been occasionally reading their blog and felt inspired that I should contact Molly, the wonderful mom. She quickly emailed me back the answer to my question because a few around my family in the last days have made us feel like we were not handling this trial well. She made me feel very comfortable about the way I was feeling and gave me so many helpful suggestions on ways to combat the doubt that creeps in on my testimony of God, Jesus and the gospel. I am so very grateful for her taking the time out of her day to help me feel better about myself and help me edge closer to my Heavenly Father again.
Today when I dropped my kids off at school, the principal stopped me in the hall to talk to me for a few minutes. He is also a member of our church and the bishop of another ward. He told me he went home teaching to an inactive family the other night. The boy who is a few years younger than Loughlin told him that he really missed Loughlin and he had the pictures off the funeral program cut out and had put them on the inside of his binder for school. I often feel as though Loughlin's mission began on this Earth a long time ago and it keeps going here still today. He touched so many lives for the better and I hope some good will come out of our loss.
I received flowers from my wonderful husband. This act of kindness warmed my heart and brightened my day. I love the man that he is and the strength he is for me.
Tonight I received a loving email from that same cousin who has directed me in the right direction many times in these last few months. We were so close as kids and it is so nice having someone from my side of the family be so encouraging and loving. Harlen's family is so strong in the gospel and is always calling and sending letters. My mom and dad are not very religious, my two brothers are struggling with trials of their own. I lost my Grandma almost 9 years ago. She was my rock. I think about her often. She always held me up when I could not stand myself. I cling to the two sisters she has left on this Earth for they are what I have left of her. Family has always meant so much to me. So thank you Heidi for taking the time to check on me. I have always loved your family . They have always been there for me. It is the gospel that makes you shine.

Is there a time limit on grief?

Yesterday was ward conference for us and our Stake Presidency asked to meet with Harlen and I. They said they were concerned with our family but I felt as though they were more concerned with the way we were handling this because the community was looking on. They made me feel like I should be over the grief, the pain, the guilt and the heartache, which I am not over any of it. I have days when things are better but other days when I feel I cannot even breath on my own. Do they have a handbook on how to deal with grieving parents? Not any of the three have felt this kind of loss in their lives and I probably should not expect them to know how I am feeling but it made me feel even worse than I already did. I am grateful for the few friends who are walking this storm with us; who do not pass judgement but only give love and understanding.
I do not feel as lost today as I have felt in the last few days. I am to the hope stage again in my faith. I hope that I will see my son again. I cannot wait for the day that I may tell him once again how much I love him and how very proud I was of him.

3 Bad Days

The last 3 days have been so hard, possibly because we are back completely in the old routine that we were in before the accident. The kids are in school. I am in school. Harlen is outside working most of the day. I feel really down and sad most of the day. Yesterday I cried all the way to school after dropping Lea off at preschool and then had to sit through 2-2 hour classes, but if I had just come home I probably would have cried all day. I am lonely without Loughlin. The house can be full or the car or the restaurant but I am so empty. Harlen gave Loughlin's phone to a worker of ours for a little while so now I cannot call his voice mail. I miss his voice, his smile. I miss that he is scared to go outside to get some milk. I miss him getting off the tractor at night and asking what's for dinner. I miss taking him to his friends' houses. At brief periods in the day I can see a way we can make it without him but they are fleeting moments that do not last long. I am usually a good swimmer but I am drowning now. There are life preservers all around but I do not have the energy nor the desire to grab one.

The picture is probably Loughlin's happiest day. He shot that deer on his own. The biggest deer I had ever seen. I was so proud of him. He was such a great son!

My 39th Birthday

Today I turned 39.
The morning was a very difficult one because all my kids went back to school and I also started back to school. Cyrus refuses to use the wheelchair anymore which would be fine if we had a normal up to date school but half of his classes are in modules which means a lot of walking out doors in the snow to get to Algebra II, Choir and Study Hall. I worry about him falling and re-injuring his legs. It is his choice though and walking makes him feel more comfortable around his friends. Even if Maya, True and Giles were kicking and screaming (overexageration) on the way, all three went to school without incident. I on the other hand could barely leave the house because Lea was crying and asking me not to go. I was crying because I was very frightened to get back into life's normalcy and also because I have not been away from Harlen nor Lea since the accident. Well to make a long story short both the kids and I made it through our first day and we are the better for it.
Tonight we had quite the party with my best friend Julie Bennett who's birthday happens to fall on the same day as mine. Our families and a few close friends met at Winger's for quite a shindig including a maquerena dancing cow who conned me and Julie into dancing with her. She shook her utters and it was knee-slappin hilarious. Julie has the video maybe I can post it tomorrow. I felt Loughlin with us tonight. He loved parties and would have been completely embarrassed to see his old mom dancing and shaking it. LOL Cyrus was even embarrassed and it takes a lot for that to happen. The greatest gift I received today was a little rest from the overwhelming grief that seems to come at least once a day. I cried all of the way home from the party but mostly because I just missed him there. I don't believe our family will ever feel complete again in this mortal life. I pray the second coming is near and the first resurrection will feel my heart with the joy it is missing. I am grateful for the love of my Savior today and the constant Companion that comforts my aching soul. I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who forgives me for the anger that creeps into my heart and the doubt that stumbles into my mind. I am most thankful for my beautiful children who love me unconditionally and a husband that is always caring and loving. He has been my rock in the gospel and is always there to help me see through the fog. I am grateful for a strong heritage from both my mother and father's families. My grandmother that taught me love, kindness and how to forgive yourself even when it is most difficult. I really am trying to convince myself that I was the best mom I knew how to be with Loughlin and I really hope he knew how very much I loved him. Now everyday with my children :I love more and get angry less, Hug more and yell less , Pray more and hurry less. We only have such a short time when they are with us so I want to savor every moment, cherish every smile, and be intoxicated with every laugh. I am but 39 and feel 60, not only my body but my life experiences.
I hope I can handle school and life. Wish me luck.

Better Days ahead

I have not posted for a few days and have felt that I had more important things to accomplish while at home, which we are still very seldom home. In the time since I last posted I have had some trying but yet spiritual moments. On Friday Harlen and I decided it was time to pick out a headstone. I think that the thought of doing this was much harder than the actual act. I thought I would be confused and not do a fair job to Loughlin on this tough decision. I prayed that morning for some clarity and some holding up of my Husband and I during this process. We are not completely done with the headstone but I know exactly what I want to do to memorialize my son's life.
We were away from our children for most the day which I have a hard time enjoying a single minute away from them. We met our good friends Norm and Julie at dinner and Julie invited us to the temple the following morning for some special work for members of the Garner family. I debated on whether to go because to go meant another day spent away from my kids and just knowing how hard Sunday is, the temple would be even more tender. In the morning Harlen and I both had strong feelings we should attend. Leaving the kids with a very loved and trusted family, our Bishop Peterson's family, we headed off for a day that was emotionally overwhelming but worth the spiritual lift that was needed in my life. The blessings promised in the session have stuck with me for these last few days and sustained me. That little bit of doubt still creeps into my mind but I try to squash it quickly because I do not like where it leads me. Thank you Bennett family for inviting us and for the love you show us every day.
Sunday was a little easier this week and I stayed for all three of my meetings. I was released from my primary job in which I felt isolated in and felt I could not give the children what they needed. The Sacrament was hard but I know it is something that will be hard for a long time because I want to see Loughlin passing it or helping Brandon to pass it. Harlen, True and Cyrus, all three bore their testimonies; all three were beautiful. Cyrus walked to the pulpit on his own and him walking was a testament in itself.
This morning school was suppose to begin but we were up last night with True who was in a lot of pain, from what we do not know and so we are late moving and my vote would be to just keep them with us for another day. I can't breath when they are away from me. Still this morning, it feels as though someone has socked me in the belly. I cannot catch my breath and the sorrow is strong but I know my Savior is with me and that he loves me and with his help I can move this mountain. I love you, Loughlin. I did not tell you nearly enough when you were here. I remember your beautiful smile and your intoxicating laugh. I wish I could hear it again but for now I will find some joy in your memory.
2008 could have been great but I was lost most of the time before the death of Loughlin in trivial matters that did not matter and then lost in sorrow after his death. I hope the new year brings peace to our lives and a renewed effort on our family's part to do what matters, well, to serve the ones around us and to make sure our loved ones know how we feel; tell them we love them as much as we can.

New Year's Eve

A day that is suppose to celebrate the beginning of a new year, for me, is a day that eludes to the unknown. The questions in my mind are swirling: Will I find any joy this upcoming year? Can I handle my life and the upcoming events that tried me when I was whole? Should I go back to school?
The feeling in my gut is bad this morning, worse than it has been for a many days. The dread and the sorrow is overwhelming. I miss Loughlin with every breath, with every thought. How will I make it without him? Lord please shelter me.

Last Picture together

I thought it would be nice to post the last picture of my 6 kids together. I miss Loughlin so very much. The family always feels as if someone is missing. I miss his smile, his laughter and even his stubbornness. Life is empty without him. I knelt in prayer this morning for some peace, some joy, some sort of relief from the constant invasion of doubt in my testimony. I know that miracles are small but how I wish I could see Loughlin again, even in a dream. I have his phone still with his message on it. I call it just to hear his voice. I love you Loughlin, please forgive me.

Another Sunday

Today again was very hard and I had an incredibly bad outlook on this life. I sat through church with a chip on my shoulder. feeling sorry for myself and what my family is going through. I looked around at the other families and their pink houses(perfect lives) and wondered out loud to my husband as to where my pink house had gone too.
I feel as though some think I should be back to my normal self but I can hardly remember what my normal self was like. I think there is a part of me that is afraid to be strong. I was strong once before and 20 years later I lost another child. If I am strong again will God take another of my children from me? The scriptures tell us that God will not give you more than you can handle. I don't want to be strong, I want to be weak.
When I feel this way I also lose track of what I am sad about because the anger comes. I get mad at God, the church and even the people around me. Which seems silly from the outside because they really have nothing to do with how I am feeling or what happened 2 months ago. The only person I can blame is myself but that road is ugly and I don't know if I am strong enough to venture down it. I have a hard time not letting the anger creep into the rest of my life. Will I ever feel like being around people again? Will church ever be that sanctuary I need?
I am just having a pity party tonight but the other aspect of this that is difficult is that all your friends surround you for the first month and then it is cold turkey and you are on your own. I know that this is Christmas and every one is very busy with their own lives. I also know that I am not very accommodating when they are around but it is lonely in this new world. Who do you trust? It seems every time I open up a conversation with someone new, I come away from it hurt or disappointed that it wasn't helpful to my anguish. Harlen tells me that the only person that knows what I am feeling is my Savior and I need to turn to him with my sorrow. I know he is right but I am a very stubborn lady and even more so when I am angry.
My parents came today. It seems as though Christmas didn't come this year. It was just another day. I am grateful for that.

Back from the greatest place on Earth.

We are back. It took us two days to drive home but we made it. The roads were treacherous but the most snow we drove through was right as we were coming into our driveway.
The coast was beautiful. The waves were so big (about 30 ft) that we did have a white Christmas after all. I have never seen the ocean so rough. It matched the feelings that stirred in my soul. Christmas Eve through Christmas was really hard but I think the most intense feelings were just coming home. I don't like it here anymore; too many memories and heartache and nowhere to escape. You can pretend when you are away from home and there is no one staring at you because no one knows you. There is no one pitying you because of what you have done. There are also no friends around but I think I would give up the one to get rid of the other.
Today is also Harlen and I's 17Th anniversary. But it also marks 2 months since Loughlin died. I told Harlen today that I had the greatest marriage in the world for 16 and 3/4 of a year and then it spiraled downhill and out of control. It's hard to decide if the pain is worth the joy. What is that saying ? It is better to love and loss than never to have loved at all. I believe that comes from someone who has never felt this loss.
My testimony is really failing me as of today. I don't know exactly what I believe or know for sure. I am having a hard time breathing, living and sleeping. I can find no peace at all. I am even having a hard time finding joy in my other children, which brings on the guilt for they still have a childhood ahead of them that I need to make as happy as I can. How could a loving Heavenly Father do this? Where are my angels? Will I ever be happy again.

Maybe I can do this

Today I woke up to a documentary on Joseph Smith. He was subject to so many trials and even at the end he asked where is the cover over thy people and the Lord responded that if he can just endure he will be rewarded in heaven.
The grief feels manageable today and I feel my Savior near me. I feel some peace in my home and some hope for tomorrow. I have this overwhelming feeling today that I am needed here on Earth to raise my other 5 children and that Loughlin and Rhiannon are fine. It is a comfort to know, the others that went before them are caring for my babies. I can feel the blessings and prayers of my family surrounding me today. I love my Heavenly Father and will follow my Savior wherever he leads me. He restoreth my soul and I am eternally grateful for that knowledge.

Wow!

I am so glad this day is coming to an end. I never thought that I would have to sum up my sons life in a paragraph but that is exactly what the school asked us to do for the school year book. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. In some ways it finalized Loughlin at school and in his life with his friends. My stomach is sick. I still can't believe he really is gone. Even Harlen is sad tonight. I feel like I should be the strong one but I cannot muster up the energy. I just want to go to bed and start again tomorrow. Maybe it will be better. I just miss him so much. I miss his smile and his arguing with me over silly things. I miss him asking to go hunting and wishing he didn't have to feed tonight because it is so cold. I am very cold without you Loughlin. I wish I could find something to warm my soul.

2 Days left

There are only 2 days left here until we leave for the coast. I think I might of overloaded my schedule. I have 200 Christmas cards to send out, presents to wrap for friends and teachers here and I need to pack for 7 people for 6 days. A week ago I could barely get up and showered in a day. I guess that is an improvement.
I woke up crying today and that feeling in the pit of my stomach just won't leave. My breathing feels short and shallow. I am worried life on the coast won't be the relief I want. What if things get harder? What if I disappoint my other 5 children?
I want to go to my Heavenly Father today but I am so angry. Angry and I feel I can not open up to anyone. People say hurtful things when they are trying to be meaningful. I have a hard time even talking to Harlen. I know we are at different places in this grief. He has turned to God and the scriptures for answers, I have been there before and left that place disappointed because there are no real answers on why Loughlin is gone, just as there were no real answers on why Rhiannon died. I see 20 years later that my life is so different than it would have been but I hope in my heart that God did not take Rhiannon so that I would straighten up and be wiser in my choices. I hear the answers some times in conference talks but either I have hardened my heart or I feel as if they do not apply to me. Why are some tested and tried and others are left with there perfect lives? In my blessing, Bishop said that God will only give you what you can handle. Well I am crying uncle, no mas. I am not that strong one everyone thinks I am. I am falling apart inside but people only see what they want to see. They see someone who can weather a storm but I am blowing over; I am melting; I am crumbling; I am crying mercy.

Christmas Letter

This year I argued with myself, whether I should do our Christmas Letter
But we hope it helps, in some small way, to make each day get better.
So I trust you will receive this poem, in the spirit it was given
For Christmas should remind us all, each day we should be living.

Lea turned four this year but she wishes she was twenty.
She always keeps us on our toes and makes us giggle plenty.
Her and her brother Loughlin were always best of friends.
Even when he swung her high, they always made amends.

Giles is in first grade and played soccer twice this year.
When he scored from the kickoff, the crowd let out a cheer.
The girls all really love him, young and even old.
He knows what he believes in; just ask him he’s quite bold.

Maya has so many friends and always has a place to go.
Only eight, in the third grade and her dad just can’t say “no”.
She loves the teachers in her life at school and at church.
To find a sweeter, nicer girl, you really need not search.

True’s ten and in the fifth grade; the toughest kid around.
If it’s football season, on the field, is where he’s found.
His team went undefeated and won the superbowl.
To serve a mission for his church is his greatest goal.

Cyrus is a trooper; he gets stronger everyday.
He’s walking on his own now; his next goal, football, 8 months away.
Lough and him were good friends, did so many things together.
So he’s grateful for the knowledge that families are forever.

As for our dear Loughlin, we miss him more than words can say
And yet we are so thankful for each and everyday,
That we spent together and all the joy we shared;
Hunting, fishing, working it seemed we did not care.
We know that fifteen years was not long enough to spend with our dear son
And now we look forward to the beautiful day on which our Savior comes.

We know Christmas is about Him, and about His divine birth,
His Atonement and Resurrection are what gave our souls their worth.
Christ showed by his example: service love and hope;
Each act of kindness on our behalf has helped our family cope
Through this difficult time of sorrow with the passing of our son.
We are grateful for the knowledge that our journey’s just begun;
That if we live as Jesus did and serve our fellow men,
There will be a great reunion where we’ll see Loughlin again.
So when Christmas Day is here and you feel that joyful spirit,
Give thanks unto the Father and please let your children hear it.

The Mornings

Every morning since the accident I have awoke with a feeling as if someone has punched me in the gut; like the breath has been knocked out of me; like someone is sitting on my chest. With each morning the realization that this isn't a bad dream comes sooner. I walk around the house sort of numb to the world. "How could my son be gone?" The question that lingers in the air, that takes all of the life and happiness I have and hides it for another day. When I pray in the morning for peace these feelings are softened but there are times when I am so angry at God that I can not go to him. It is if I am a child again and that I believe the silence will work and I will get what I want. The only thing I want though is my son back and I know that will never happen in this mortal existence. The silence hurts my ears. It hurts my heart and my soul and becomes overwhelming. Since Cyrus went back to school the house is so quiet. I do not like the quiet. It makes you think to hard and sometimes I wish I could just sit with no thoughts in my head, just to relax for a moment, to pretend that "All is Well". One day I hope that I will be able to say those words with the conviction of my being.
I love you Loughlin. Can you hear me?

Waves

I would describe the way the sorrow comes as waves in an ocean. One day you feel like you are going to make it and the next it is hard to breath. Not only days but hours in the days.
Today we tried Christmas shopping for our other 5 children. It was so difficult. I almost couldn't finish but I did not want to have to go again. I kept thinking about Loughlin. What would he have wanted? He never wanted much and always was so very thankful for the things he received.
I heard somewhere that spirits stay around until the ones they leave are able to handle the loss. I know I am being selfish but I hope he is still here. I miss him more than words can express. I wish I could just hold him one more time.
Loughlin's high school wants to put a special memorial page in the year book for him. We need to give them material by Thursday. I don't know what I could give them that would describe what a great young man he was. What would do justice for his life?
Please Lord comfort me, help me make it through another day without him.

Better Day

Today is a much better day. Last night the Bishop and Rob came over to offer special blessings on our family. The blessing I received from the Bishop was very powerful and understanding of exactly how I was feeling at the time. Rob gave Harlen his blessing. They have been such close friends for such a long time that I think Rob knows just how Harlen is feeling. Cyrus and True also received a blessing. It brought the spirit back into our home and raised our hopes again. I feel grateful today for the time I had with Loughlin instead of cheated because of the time I didn't have.
Rob and Kim asked me to make a Christmas poem for them this year to send out to friends and family. I finished it this morning and now am reconsidering my decision to not do Christmas cards this year. My attitude could change tomorrow but for today I feel grateful to my Savior for helping me carry this burden. Today the pain in my heart is manageable. I still miss Loughlin with all of my being but I have remembered so many wonderful times today instead of just the sadness. Lea has helped me recall most of them.

Why are Sundays so hard?

I still can't for the life of me understand why Sundays are so very hard. I have cried for half the day. I just feel so very sorry for what happened that October day. I miss Loughlin so much. We ate his favorite pie for dessert and Stroganoff for dinner. He was a very picky eater but that was one meal he ate more than one helping of. It started to snow outside, which just brings Christmas closer and my grief stronger. The kids loved Loughlin to pull them in a sled behind the 4-wheeler. He was a great big brother.

Hopes and Dreams

I believe that some of what I grieve for are all the hopes and dreams I had for my son, all of the wonderful parts of this earthly existence that he will never experience. He was only 3 months into his freshman year at high school. He never had a real girlfriend, never even went on a date. He was so incredibly smart. Loughlin did not even have to try in school. He was a great artist. We will never attend his graduation, his first day of college, his mission, or his marriage. Our first grandchild was suppose to be from him.
Loughlin decided not to play football this year. At any other time in his life we would have never let him quit, but both me and his dad just allowed him to stop. Looking back on it now, it was a blessing. My other children were in sports and Loughlin would hang with me after school waiting for everyone else to finish. I cherish those moments I spent with him, those times he could just relax. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of regrets with Loughlin. I was very hard on him at times, a very strict mom. I wish now I had yelled less and loved more. This is one reason I will always beat myself up with. I never ever thought I would wake up one morning without him there.
The smallest actions in a day cut the hardest; getting down 7 plates for meals instead of 8, not washing his favorite jersey, #21, waiting for him to get off the tractor feeding so we could eat dinner, hollering at him to get out of the shower. I miss him so very much.
We tried to go Christmas shopping yesterday with the other kids. It was so overwhelming. The air was so thick and I kept wondering who had Loughlin's name. It is just not Christmas without him.
Lea has been sick for three days and is having a hard time holding anything down. I am a little relieved to be serving my baby instead of mourning constantly. She is so sweet when she doesn't feel good. Her and Loughlin are a lot alike. They were very close. Loughlin hadn't any patience for anyone but her(and if you knew her you find that funny) She is very high maintenance but Loughlin never lost his temper with her. I know she misses him so much but she has a simple faith. When she sees me crying, she reminds me that Loughlin is alright. He is in heaven.
Cyrus is doing very well physically but feels a lot like me on the inside. On Thursday we went to the doctor who said he could stand as much as he could handle. He is walking a little and it is very comforting knowing he is healing well. He even wore some pants the last two days. (It has been shorts for 6 weeks). I think Cyrus misses Loughlin so much. They were very close in age, 20 months a part, even though they fought at times they were each others best friend.
True, Maya and Giles are grieving a lot alike. They are quiet, more than anything, they are mostly silent but then they will either get very angry or very emotional all at once. I wish I could take their pain away.
I hope for today that all my children will be healthy. That I will get some peace from my prayers or maybe talk myself into a blessing so I will have some comfort from my Heavenly Father. I hope that parents will enjoy every moment they have with their children and hug them often.
I wish for just one day more with Loughlin and Rhiannon.