Hopes and Dreams

I believe that some of what I grieve for are all the hopes and dreams I had for my son, all of the wonderful parts of this earthly existence that he will never experience. He was only 3 months into his freshman year at high school. He never had a real girlfriend, never even went on a date. He was so incredibly smart. Loughlin did not even have to try in school. He was a great artist. We will never attend his graduation, his first day of college, his mission, or his marriage. Our first grandchild was suppose to be from him.
Loughlin decided not to play football this year. At any other time in his life we would have never let him quit, but both me and his dad just allowed him to stop. Looking back on it now, it was a blessing. My other children were in sports and Loughlin would hang with me after school waiting for everyone else to finish. I cherish those moments I spent with him, those times he could just relax. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of regrets with Loughlin. I was very hard on him at times, a very strict mom. I wish now I had yelled less and loved more. This is one reason I will always beat myself up with. I never ever thought I would wake up one morning without him there.
The smallest actions in a day cut the hardest; getting down 7 plates for meals instead of 8, not washing his favorite jersey, #21, waiting for him to get off the tractor feeding so we could eat dinner, hollering at him to get out of the shower. I miss him so very much.
We tried to go Christmas shopping yesterday with the other kids. It was so overwhelming. The air was so thick and I kept wondering who had Loughlin's name. It is just not Christmas without him.
Lea has been sick for three days and is having a hard time holding anything down. I am a little relieved to be serving my baby instead of mourning constantly. She is so sweet when she doesn't feel good. Her and Loughlin are a lot alike. They were very close. Loughlin hadn't any patience for anyone but her(and if you knew her you find that funny) She is very high maintenance but Loughlin never lost his temper with her. I know she misses him so much but she has a simple faith. When she sees me crying, she reminds me that Loughlin is alright. He is in heaven.
Cyrus is doing very well physically but feels a lot like me on the inside. On Thursday we went to the doctor who said he could stand as much as he could handle. He is walking a little and it is very comforting knowing he is healing well. He even wore some pants the last two days. (It has been shorts for 6 weeks). I think Cyrus misses Loughlin so much. They were very close in age, 20 months a part, even though they fought at times they were each others best friend.
True, Maya and Giles are grieving a lot alike. They are quiet, more than anything, they are mostly silent but then they will either get very angry or very emotional all at once. I wish I could take their pain away.
I hope for today that all my children will be healthy. That I will get some peace from my prayers or maybe talk myself into a blessing so I will have some comfort from my Heavenly Father. I hope that parents will enjoy every moment they have with their children and hug them often.
I wish for just one day more with Loughlin and Rhiannon.