2 Days left

There are only 2 days left here until we leave for the coast. I think I might of overloaded my schedule. I have 200 Christmas cards to send out, presents to wrap for friends and teachers here and I need to pack for 7 people for 6 days. A week ago I could barely get up and showered in a day. I guess that is an improvement.
I woke up crying today and that feeling in the pit of my stomach just won't leave. My breathing feels short and shallow. I am worried life on the coast won't be the relief I want. What if things get harder? What if I disappoint my other 5 children?
I want to go to my Heavenly Father today but I am so angry. Angry and I feel I can not open up to anyone. People say hurtful things when they are trying to be meaningful. I have a hard time even talking to Harlen. I know we are at different places in this grief. He has turned to God and the scriptures for answers, I have been there before and left that place disappointed because there are no real answers on why Loughlin is gone, just as there were no real answers on why Rhiannon died. I see 20 years later that my life is so different than it would have been but I hope in my heart that God did not take Rhiannon so that I would straighten up and be wiser in my choices. I hear the answers some times in conference talks but either I have hardened my heart or I feel as if they do not apply to me. Why are some tested and tried and others are left with there perfect lives? In my blessing, Bishop said that God will only give you what you can handle. Well I am crying uncle, no mas. I am not that strong one everyone thinks I am. I am falling apart inside but people only see what they want to see. They see someone who can weather a storm but I am blowing over; I am melting; I am crumbling; I am crying mercy.