Another Sunday

Today again was very hard and I had an incredibly bad outlook on this life. I sat through church with a chip on my shoulder. feeling sorry for myself and what my family is going through. I looked around at the other families and their pink houses(perfect lives) and wondered out loud to my husband as to where my pink house had gone too.
I feel as though some think I should be back to my normal self but I can hardly remember what my normal self was like. I think there is a part of me that is afraid to be strong. I was strong once before and 20 years later I lost another child. If I am strong again will God take another of my children from me? The scriptures tell us that God will not give you more than you can handle. I don't want to be strong, I want to be weak.
When I feel this way I also lose track of what I am sad about because the anger comes. I get mad at God, the church and even the people around me. Which seems silly from the outside because they really have nothing to do with how I am feeling or what happened 2 months ago. The only person I can blame is myself but that road is ugly and I don't know if I am strong enough to venture down it. I have a hard time not letting the anger creep into the rest of my life. Will I ever feel like being around people again? Will church ever be that sanctuary I need?
I am just having a pity party tonight but the other aspect of this that is difficult is that all your friends surround you for the first month and then it is cold turkey and you are on your own. I know that this is Christmas and every one is very busy with their own lives. I also know that I am not very accommodating when they are around but it is lonely in this new world. Who do you trust? It seems every time I open up a conversation with someone new, I come away from it hurt or disappointed that it wasn't helpful to my anguish. Harlen tells me that the only person that knows what I am feeling is my Savior and I need to turn to him with my sorrow. I know he is right but I am a very stubborn lady and even more so when I am angry.
My parents came today. It seems as though Christmas didn't come this year. It was just another day. I am grateful for that.