We are back. It took us two days to drive home but we made it. The roads were treacherous but the most snow we drove through was right as we were coming into our driveway.
The coast was beautiful. The waves were so big (about 30 ft) that we did have a white Christmas after all. I have never seen the ocean so rough. It matched the feelings that stirred in my soul. Christmas Eve through Christmas was really hard but I think the most intense feelings were just coming home. I don't like it here anymore; too many memories and heartache and nowhere to escape. You can pretend when you are away from home and there is no one staring at you because no one knows you. There is no one pitying you because of what you have done. There are also no friends around but I think I would give up the one to get rid of the other.
Today is also Harlen and I's 17Th anniversary. But it also marks 2 months since Loughlin died. I told Harlen today that I had the greatest marriage in the world for 16 and 3/4 of a year and then it spiraled downhill and out of control. It's hard to decide if the pain is worth the joy. What is that saying ? It is better to love and loss than never to have loved at all. I believe that comes from someone who has never felt this loss.
My testimony is really failing me as of today. I don't know exactly what I believe or know for sure. I am having a hard time breathing, living and sleeping. I can find no peace at all. I am even having a hard time finding joy in my other children, which brings on the guilt for they still have a childhood ahead of them that I need to make as happy as I can. How could a loving Heavenly Father do this? Where are my angels? Will I ever be happy again.
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