My 39th Birthday

Today I turned 39.
The morning was a very difficult one because all my kids went back to school and I also started back to school. Cyrus refuses to use the wheelchair anymore which would be fine if we had a normal up to date school but half of his classes are in modules which means a lot of walking out doors in the snow to get to Algebra II, Choir and Study Hall. I worry about him falling and re-injuring his legs. It is his choice though and walking makes him feel more comfortable around his friends. Even if Maya, True and Giles were kicking and screaming (overexageration) on the way, all three went to school without incident. I on the other hand could barely leave the house because Lea was crying and asking me not to go. I was crying because I was very frightened to get back into life's normalcy and also because I have not been away from Harlen nor Lea since the accident. Well to make a long story short both the kids and I made it through our first day and we are the better for it.
Tonight we had quite the party with my best friend Julie Bennett who's birthday happens to fall on the same day as mine. Our families and a few close friends met at Winger's for quite a shindig including a maquerena dancing cow who conned me and Julie into dancing with her. She shook her utters and it was knee-slappin hilarious. Julie has the video maybe I can post it tomorrow. I felt Loughlin with us tonight. He loved parties and would have been completely embarrassed to see his old mom dancing and shaking it. LOL Cyrus was even embarrassed and it takes a lot for that to happen. The greatest gift I received today was a little rest from the overwhelming grief that seems to come at least once a day. I cried all of the way home from the party but mostly because I just missed him there. I don't believe our family will ever feel complete again in this mortal life. I pray the second coming is near and the first resurrection will feel my heart with the joy it is missing. I am grateful for the love of my Savior today and the constant Companion that comforts my aching soul. I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who forgives me for the anger that creeps into my heart and the doubt that stumbles into my mind. I am most thankful for my beautiful children who love me unconditionally and a husband that is always caring and loving. He has been my rock in the gospel and is always there to help me see through the fog. I am grateful for a strong heritage from both my mother and father's families. My grandmother that taught me love, kindness and how to forgive yourself even when it is most difficult. I really am trying to convince myself that I was the best mom I knew how to be with Loughlin and I really hope he knew how very much I loved him. Now everyday with my children :I love more and get angry less, Hug more and yell less , Pray more and hurry less. We only have such a short time when they are with us so I want to savor every moment, cherish every smile, and be intoxicated with every laugh. I am but 39 and feel 60, not only my body but my life experiences.
I hope I can handle school and life. Wish me luck.