Dark Days

The last week was black. I lived through the darkest days of my life. There were a few moments when friends reached out that I thought I would make it but then I would fall back into the darkness. A place so dark that there really was no light. The adversary was winning and without Harlen, I believe, he would have won the battle. I was losing my testimony, not of my church, but of any God. I have never felt such despair, such loneliness, such heartache. I wanted so bad to punish myself for the death of Loughlin that I have been telling myself there could be no God. For if there were a God, then all of the truths I have been taught or have learned through my life would take that blame from me, that Loughlin only had to spend a short time on this Earth to accomplish his mission, that Jesus Christ knows my pain, my anguish, my darkness for he has felt it and only he can take this burden from my shoulder. That He is in control not me.

I have been through this before. I guess you could say I am not a fast learner. After the death of my first child, Rhiannon, I blamed myself. I was her mother. She had low blood sugar and was suppose to be fed every 3 hrs. I set my alarm to wake up and feed her. The alarm either did not work or I slept through it. When I awoke she was gone and I could blame myself. I started making wrong choices again to numb the blame and the pain I felt. It took a couple of years then until I saw the light. I guess I am learning faster. I am sure there will be days when I will blame myself again but the relief I felt yesterday and today is incredible.

On Friday we went to the temple with friends. I was trying so hard to feel some sort of relief or comfort from the anguish that I was feeling. I sat through a session wanting a miracle, wanting to see Loughlin again, to feel his presence, to know he is fine. I was so worn out from the darkness that I could barely keep my eyes opened. I would close them hoping for something but the image I saw was Christ with his arms opened wide. It was not what I thought I wanted though. I wanted to see Loughlin. I had no faith of a life after death at the time and I was truly lost. I left the temple exhausted, sad and angry. I had thought I had not received the answer I was looking for but he was screaming in my ear. I just didn't want to hear it. I was being selfish. I was taking everyone down with me and I didn't care. Jesus was telling me that only through him could I find the peace I was searching for. Seeing Loughlin would not sustain me for long because Loughlin has spoke to me since his death and look where I was. A couple of days after the funeral I was standing in the dressing room by myself, probably the first time I had been alone since the accident. I heard a voice say, "Hey Mom" I looked around and no one was there. I heard it again and felt this overwhelming peace, like his arms were around me. He always got my attention by saying those words. I took that beautiful experience and questioned it. I questioned myself whether I had really heard it. I always wondered how after Laman and Lemuel had seen an angel of God could turn against his Word. I see now how it could be done. I am guilty of the same. Both Loughlin and Jesus Christ have been with me through all of this but I have been blind, deaf and dumb. I have been selfish. I know now that there is no way but through Him. I have made a decision to follow Him wherever he may lead me. This is not the path I wanted but it is the path he has chosen for me. I use to tell Loughlin to suck it up when times got hard. I am sure he is whispering those words in my ear. I know I will have to work through much more in the coming years but I will not try to do it again without my Father's love. There is no way but with Him.