Gripe

How long has it been since I have griped? It seems an eternity. HAHAHA Well here goes....... 
I am a realist. This could be some of the reason I have been having a hard time with faith since losing Loughlin. I want everything to make some sort of sense, I like rules of math and English and if there are rules I feel they should be enforced to everyone the same. When I hear things like, "everyone has trials", I want to see it with my own eyes. When it is said "everything will be made right", I have to wonder how in heaven this pain will be made right. How can the smiles, hugs, graduations, missions, weddings, grandchildren and time ever be made right? How can you get those back? Realist: You can't. People are not tried the same, there is no possible way this could be true. Don't tell me that some trials cannot be seen. If trials are large they are always seen. And then go ahead and tell me to get past Loughlin's death, when every single day is a bitter reminder that he is not here and the suffering of my other children go on and on. But you don't know that because you make assumptions that life is good for us now and that it is only me holding us back. If I was to guess by the way you put together your sentences when you speak ,you should but, that you know no better. Maybe you are speaking in tongues....
So here goes, you want me to apologize to the lady that talked nasty about my son behind his back to another mother. You are worried about her feelings. Well I might be on the rough side of callous, but I was under the impression that adults are adults and they should be able to handle themselves. Would I ask my husband to protect me from some crazy comment about some new larger appendage I decided to add to my body...uuuhh no. Would I cry about how I was treated in high school when I was a married woman with kids...huh no again  And if that was actually true wouldn't I as a girl not treated well in high school think before I spoke behind another teenagers back knowing the consequences... you would think, but that would require a brain. You would think you would want to build these kids up not tear them down, but that must not be the case. And the protection goes to who? Is it because of the name, the money or the prestige?

I would like a full apology to my son and his friend from both husband and wife. The kids are the ones we should worry about. 
These are the reasons kids fall away from the church. Sometimes they are looking for this kind of reason. We should try hard not to hand it to them. And as far as the comment that sometimes my kids don't need my protection.......That is why God put me on this Earth. That is the most important part of my life, my kids. There isn't a time when my protection is unneeded. You would think you would want to protect the kids in this case, the ones that have actually known loss and trials. Funny, the way I always believed my church was, has been turned completely upside down. Christ loved the humble and meek, now we esteem the rich and powerful.... What was that scripture???????????, Matthew 19:24 " And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God."
Really the topper of this is that we lie to pass off some scouts on merit badges when they could not have possibly passed, I ought to know and we ignore others for 4 years...Could it be name, money, love of power???? Just wondering



Ok I feel a bit better now!

Possessions

I love talking about my church classes. It helps me sort through the nonsense and pull the informative insights out of the mundane church social network. Sunday's lesson was on the Law of Consecration, my idea of Socialism on the wings of angels, with everyone actually doing their part and having a strong faith that the law would work and strong faith in God and their Savior.

We were asked to mention a possession we would have a hard time giving up. I racked my brain and really couldn't think of a one I couldn't part with. I mean my wedding ring is beautiful and has many feelings attached to it but I do not need it to know the covenants I made with my hubby. I know he loves me and I love him. So other than that, there is nothing. The things I can't give up are not temporal. My family is the only tangible thing that I would do anything, anything to keep a hold of. You want my house, it's yours. My van, well no one wants my van but you can have it. When you have lost what we have, Loughlin and Rhiannon nothing and I mean nothing has a hold on me. Material things have no meaning........

I swear It isn't Contagious

You would think people would know that losing a child wasn't a contagious disease. You would think that they would know that even though it is so weird for them to be around parents and children who have lost their loved one, it is even harder for us to feel the distance between us. I don't have a lot of the same friends as before the accident. It is just different. They ignore the fact that you had this marvelous young man in your life and in most cases they won't even mention his name. But I am a grown up. I found new friends to fill this void. In fact one friend in particular that has lived this hell and lived to help me through it.

But my kids are another whole story. They are not grown-ups. They can't easily find good friends. They do not understand why people shun them, why they are outcasts, why friends they use to have, have no interest in doing things together. I am on my knees pleading with my Heavenly Father to send an Earthly Angel fast. We need one, just a little happiness, a little fun.

Smells

Aren't smells funny? How they can take you back to a different time in your life? For me it was usually a place where I felt safe.The smell reminds me of all of those warm feelings, happy feelings and I want to escape into that world forever, well I know there are no forever's but for a while, a long while, just enough time so that i can catch my breath and feel free again, a place where I am loved.

Smell # 1 was my grandma's house just after she baked her chocolate chip cookies that I loved so much. Her recipe was different than any other. It was fluffy and sweet with a small amount of chocolate chips. The smell seemed to linger for hours. I could just lay on her living room floor, on my back, looking toward her very tall ceilings, wishing I could stay here forever. It was safe. It was quiet and I knew I was loved.

Smell #2 was my dad's '68 Buick Riviera. I remember the smell like it was yesterday. When the air conditioner came on it produced this musty, dusty odor. I smelt like heaven. I know, how funny a car and heaven, but I remember sneaking out there just so I could steal a smell from the carpet, the seats even when the car wasn't on. There have been smells since that are close but I long to smell that car again. It was so safe there. My home, My car, My family.

Smell "3  I love the fragrance of the farm when it rains just enough to dampen the dirt. The other day when it rained I found myself talking to myself, telling me how it smells like a new start and how I wish I could just stay out here and drink it in forever. Yet the hired man staring at me like I was insane broke the trance and ruined the moment, but I can't wait for another day like that one.

Smell #4 Is there any better smell than that of a newborn baby? Months after Rhiannon died, I would go to her grave because I could smell her smell. I would linger there as long as I could to keep her smell around me. It is the most intoxicating smell in the world. I lost her smell after a time. I quit visiting here grave because I thought if the smell was gone so was she. When Loughlin was born, he brought his own smell with him. I would sit for hours just holding him taking in his fragrance, never wanting to let go, but everyone knows the smell fades with time and each new child brings their own fragrance. I wish I could walk down to his grave and smell is smell again like I could Rhiannon's. I miss them both so much. I loved them so much. Everything is changing all around me and I am caught in this sort of Limbo, a Limbo of my choice. Why would anyone want to move on if it meant leaving your two kids behind.

How Can Things Be So Bitter and So Sweet at the Same Time???

This week has been jammed packed full of family fun. True had so many baseball games. He helped undo a wrong and Cyrus backed him up with a vengeance at school this week, Giles turned 11 and had a great party at our house last night but the biggest of all is that Cyrus went to his first Prom tonight. My heart is so full and that proud momma valve is working overtime. I am so grateful for the incredible kids I was blessed with, how they make such good decisions and stand up for what's right and sound off when it isn't.

Now for the bitter. Birthdays without Loughlin here are so hard. If you could have only known him you would understand. He was so funny and he loved his siblings so much. He would go out of his way to make them, each one of them so special. Baseball was Lough's sport. Man he was so good at it. His eye-hand coordination was unbelievable, He was a finesse player. He was beautiful to watch. But the one thing that is hurting tonight is that Loughlin never got to go out on a date. He never got to experience what Cyrus is tonight. I don't want to take anything away from Cyrus but it just hurts my heart that I missed it all with Lough.

Oh but Cyrus deserves this happiness and wow did he look handsome. He humbles me with his greatness. His smile melts his mom and he can get whatever he wants, True loves baseball and he is a powerhouse player. He stands up against injustices, no matter the cost to himself. Giles he is the sweetest guy. He wants to grow up too fast and be like his brothers. I love these 3 young men so much that sometimes it feels like my heart can hold no more. but it could. I wish everyone could really know them.

Easter woes

I know you would think Easter would be a beautiful holiday for a bereaved mom, but it isn't for me. I have struggled with it since losing Rhiannon 24 years ago. I know that Christ's resurrection is a wonderful promise but it feels as if it is a carrot dangled just far enough in front of me as just to tease and make me keep working toward it, but sometimes I am so tired.I feel like I cannot make it one more day without my babies with me.  I want it now. Now Now Now . I want my kids back with me. I am not good with patience or the thought that they are in a better place until then. How can any place be better without their moms. Everyone needs their mom.

Control Freak

I can almost read your mind.....We have little if any control on this Earth. I know that and yet I still believe I should have control over what happens to the ones I love. Harlen, Cyrus, and True all went Ocean fishing today. I was fine when they planned it. I was fine while they traveled across the state. I was even fine when Harlen called me as they waited to head out. Then all of the sudden like a tidal wave, the anxiety engulfed me. The worry was all consuming. I just kept thinking three of the men I love most in this life on one boat. A boat on the Oregon Coast. The water is much to cold to survive. I am suppose to trust God to protect them? Can you hear me humph. How many times did I say prayers to keep us safe as we traveled to school? I couldn't count the number  I prayed to Him to keep my baby safe, to protect them all. Why would He listen now? Anyway I hope there is some power out there that will bring them home in one piece.


*Update: I am crazy, well that isn't new but the guys are home safe. They had a great time, caught tons of fish. The captain said it was the calmest day in years, maybe someone was listening, almost to calm to have a good fishing day.

Great Good Fair Pass

Great is a word I don't use often. I am not great at many things. In fact, I can't think of a one. I might be good or fair or I could earn a passing grade on many things but great, that is not me. It isn't for trying, I think I try hard. I am a good mom, a fair wife. I might earn a passing grade as a cook, but I fail completely on keeping a neat and tidy house. I don't know why this is stuck in my brain these last couple of days. Is passing good enough to make it through the pearly gates? For I know there are people all around watching and judging me, judging my family and now even my kids.

We don't seem to fit the Mormon mold. I am sure you can imagine what I am talking about, church on Sunday, mutual on Wednesday, Seminary every school day, happy, bearing testimonies, crying, giving youth talks, attending an LDS college Once again we are pulling a strong "C" on a good day. I haven't been participating much lately in my classes at church. I really feel dumbfounded just listening to the comments around me. Last Sunday the lesson was on Emma Smith. She lost so many children, I think 7, plus losing her husband in a horrible murder.  I heard a lady make an off handed remark about how God SAVED those children. I guess because she left the church, she was a good mom and those children wouldn't have made it to heaven????? WHAT???????

I would never want to be in a place to judge a woman that has been through so much. I look at my life and I have failed miserably at these trials. What are they saying when I leave the room? It seems a lonely place to be such an only adequate Saint in this world. God will be my only judge and only He knows my heart.

Spring Break

The Break has started for both schools, but the problem is there is really no break. Cyrus is going to the coast to fish with the Priest Quorum. True is going to State FFA to compete in the Parliamentary Procedure competition. Maya, Giles and Lea have plans to spend with friends. Harlen might sneak away with Cyrus to the coast, but probably he will be stuck in some pickup delivering bulls or on a tractor working away and I will be stuck at home doing book work. I hate book work. So if you think I am feeling sorry for myself, I am. I am taken back to a time when Spring Break meant Break. Oh yah I married a farmer and there has never been such a time.(OK maybe once or twice) I digress......Sometimes I just want to complain about book work. GAG YUCK and just think when I started school, I thought I wanted to do other people's books! I must have been nuts then too!

What Priceless looks like......

This is what Priceless looks like.....This is my family in the Summer of 2008 before we lost Loughlin. This is really how my family was, most of the time. We enjoyed each other, we loved spending as much time as we could together, look at the smiles, if only you could hear the laughter. This is a gift that will remain as priceless as I have ever received. I ordered prints for all of our families. I want everyone to remember this moment, not the moments that followed, but this one incredible moment that has been branded in my mind and heart and soul. I love it! My cousin took these pictures when we were in Utah in my parents' back yard. And the more memories I can have the better, the more smiles on his face and laughter in his eyes the better this grief becomes, the less the guilt because it helps me believe he was happy here and I was an ok mom to him. I miss this family.........

The lil' Red Heifer that stole my heart....

Harlen is gone delivering bulls to somewhere down in the middle of Nevada, no phone coverage. I have some hired guys but they are hard to get a hold of and I don't speak very good Spanish. Two days ago, our first calves arrived out of my bull( I picked him out), twins but there mom must have lost 3 quarters over the winter when it was cold and wasn't able to feed them. So the kids started them on a bottle. The first day was great but then li' Red lost interest. When I went out yesterday afternoon we couldn't find her. We looked everywhere and finally found her flat on the cement by the chute. She was so cold and her navel was swollen indicating a naval infection. I was feeling on the verge of brave, at times I get that way. She wouldn't suck and I knew if I didn't get her some nourishment soon, she would die.Lea went and got the tuber and I proceeded to put that long steel tube down her throat and feel her belly with the milk. She was still so cold that my boys carried her in the house for me and we put her in the tub, sticking a heater next to her. Then I gave her 2 shots in the naval of tetracycline .( Should have been Penicillin) but I didn't have any. When I finally went to bed she seemed better, warmer, breathing better. I dreamed dreams of better days, of my baby, my Grandma and Loughlin, happy times..At 4:30 am when I awoke to check her she was gone, cold. I know you might all think I am crazy but she had those eyes that seemed to plead with me to help her and this morning I feel I have failed, and I am sad. I raise cattle for a living and I am rarely emotionally attached  but this time is different, this time I really feel I failed her. Her coat was that  of a rusty crimson, so beautiful and fluffy. Lea had pans to show her at the fair. Tomorrow soon will come and there wil be a hundred more like her but not like her.

Random Thoughts and Musing from the last week

1) Seeing the tire off your dually pick-up roll the opposite way the truck is can signal a real problem.

2)Finding something to talk to an Idaho State Policeman for 4 hrs can be extremely mind boggling.

3) Wanting to ever drive that rig again, is a trial in itself.

4) Chicken at Carl's Jr. can be a seriously bad idea, if they forgot to cook it correctly or left it out the night before. (Poor Lea & Maya)

5) Pop tent Casino's don't stay that way for long

6) The nicest building in town almost always belongs to the government. ( Or in random cases an Indian Casino)

7)Tom Petty is never appealing even when you have been driving for 12 hrs. straight.

8) Don't buy mystery flavored gum. It never turns out well. If it was good they could sell it without the mystery.

9) When you are lost at 11:30 at night and you stop for help, because you are in the middle of nowhere with no coverage  on the phone, there is a round broom leaning against the door and a very large fat black cat rubbing up against your legs, tell your girls to run, run as fast as you can back to the pick- up.

10) A waving experiment coming home from Riggins Idaho even though so much fun is far from scientific.

11) My girls can always find fun despite the predicament. Love ya Girls! Can you hear Les Schwab in the background?? Talent? I would say absolutely!

No other place to go......

I find I turn to my blog when there is no other place to go. This is sometime my only consolation, my only solace, my only only. Sometimes I feel I am at a breaking point and there really is no other place in my mind I can escape. I really truly believe that everyone around me wants me to be and do something that I am not capable of doing. Somehow now after losing two kids, I should be happy all of the time, that I should think life is one giant slumber party and there is as much coke as you can drink at all times, and that somehow because I don't believe that way I am not what I should be. Do you think I sit around all day crying and feeling sorry for myself? I think my kids would disagree. I can find joy in the moment, finding joy in the future is what is so difficult. You know even before losing Rhiannon I was not that way. I always had a keen sense that life was not like that and never would be.

 I know you are saying maybe it was some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy, if I only had that much power over my life. Some think I am a psychopath that I don't feel bad about anything, that I am far from humble, that I am angry,  unapologetic. Then on the other side I have those who think I need to get past the guilt, I know what guilt, that I wallow in self pity, that the guilt is ruining my other 5 kids' life,( nothing like piling on that guilt), that I need to get past Loughlin's death,(no mention of Rhiannon's) but hey they were nice enough to tell me I can bring his memory with me. I know you jest but I don't. In the world of peacocks and lemon drops I see no finish line in fact my line has moved and let the defense in, my protectors no longer exist but I dare say I don't think they ever did.
When will I gain enough courage to be myself and tell the ones around me who would like to tell me who to be, to get the Hell out of the way, out of my mind, and if necessary out of my life?

Just to let all you helpful naysayers out, I am happy. I have said it so many times. I am happy and grateful for so many things, but  to expect me to be happy and grateful about 2 of my babies dying is what I would call a funny kind of deranged!

BYU TV Crucibles

http://www.byutv.org/watch/28cc54a0-1cfb-45ff-9230-7167de3d71e7/real-families-real-answers-family-crucibles

I wish that every leader in the church could watch this before taking the reins. How much heartache could be avoided if only they could be instructed on positive constructive comments? 
For me at the end of the first story the mom said she felt she put too much on Shania . She would tell her don't ever leave me. I always told my babies that. I told them I wouldn't be able to handle it again.................but here I am missing Loughlin with every breath I take.

October Sky

I watched a movie on Sunday named "October Sky". It was a Christian drama, which at first I didn't think would affect me. A story about a girl who was a survivor of a botched abortion but it did get to me. Her twin brother died because they were born at 24 weeks. The dad said to his daughter, I was so overprotective and controlling not because I didn't trust you but because I didn't trust the Lord. I finally found an explanation for my behavior with my kids over the last 19+ years. I didn't sleep hardly a wink until they reached a year old and after that I was so protective, you could say controlling, but why not? I was so afraid of losing another baby after losing Rhiannon that I didn't trust the Lord. I have been told that over and over since losing Loughlin, trust the Lord. I never framed myself as a Charlie Brown, but Lucy is putting that football down again and asking me to kick it. How many of you would put it all on the line and try to drive the football through the uprights again? Once bitten, twice shy, well how about twice bitten. I have no control over what the Lord does, and I have to wonder how he really has control over my life. If he does WHY?

Blogs & Helpful Hogs

Well I know it has been almost forever since I have been on here. I have so many people in my life always putting in their two cents telling me what I should and shouldn't do, worried about what I write on this blog, worried mostly about themselves or what they represent. But today I am taking my life and blog back. I am stronger than they think I am. Why they think they can make decisions for me, boggles my mind. No one has lived this life of mine. No one knows what it feels to be responsible for the deaths of your children, not once but twice. No one that is telling me what to do has any idea what losing two children is like. NO ONE and I am tired of taking advice from un-knowledgeable, un-helpful fools. This blog is my way of working through my feelings. So if you don't like it, don't read it and please keep your so called caring advice in your craw cuz I aint listening anymore!!

BaHumbug

I am having a hard time with the Christmas Card thingy this year. I don't want to send them. I hate having to think about whether to include Loughlin & Rhiannon in the photos, the letter. I hate pretending like "It's a wonderful life". I have no angel and the world probably would have been just fine without me in it. I struggle through the letters I get. Can people's lives really be so rosy? I know what you all are saying........That I am still bitter, well I am. That I seem down, well I am. That I seem tired of this life, well I am. That I am missing Loughlin more today than yesterday and more that day than the day before. I was told this would get easier, it isn't. I dream about waking up and seeing Rhiannnon laying next to me cold more today that I did 10 years ago. And as the days go on Loughlin is on my mind constantly, as I drive by his headstone, or down our hill, or by Nyssa High School which is daily or more than daily, and I am consumed with guilt and anger and just this unbelievable sense of loneliness. Don't tell me that there is love all around me, it will never feel the void left by these great spirits that touched my life for such a short time. After I lost Rhiannnon, I had a very horrible out look on life. I never expected much for I had never been given much to look forward to. It's not always a bad thing not to have hope. If it isn't there you are rarely disappointed but one morning in September this new, wow came into my life. He restored my hope in this world. Do you understand that he was my life, he was my light, he filled a lot of that hole left by Rhiannon. He loved me unconditionally. He thought I was it for so much of his life. He was my hope. It was wrong to put so much on such a young boy but he fulfilled it. Then 15 years later that hope was once again ripped from my life. The hope is gone. That hope is gone. Where do I find my hope now? I don't want to know about missions and college and weddings. I don't want to know how happy your life is. How God has blessed you. I can't sleep again and it is hard to keep up the happy face when I am exhausted.

Definition of Insanity

I once heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. I feel like I am in this room sometimes and at other times I wish I were in this room. It seems I take enough pills at night that it could and should take the place of my dinner. I take a pill to cure me of one symptom that affects me in another way so I take a pill that gets rid of that symptom and so on and so on. I am sick more than I am healthy. I am 4+ years into this trauma and 24+ years away from the other. I am tired. I am not sleeping again. 3 days and only 6 hrs of sleep total. I lay in my bed and stare at the ceiling wondering how I got here, when will this get better or will it? The grief gnawing at my soul, my heart sometimes making it so raw that I wonder how I will be a wife, a mom. I feel so exhausted, and now the Holidays are upon us. I still feel it is so hard to make these days cheery and bright. I am probably causing irreparable harm to my children, then the guilt engulfs me like a tidal wave crashing down on a unsuspecting sun bather.I am sure everyone can see this cycle that I am stuck in. It's like being forced on the Rock-O-Plane and each time it comes around you think it's your turn to get off but the Carnie laughs and makes you stay on. It's nauseating. It is a gut wrenching pain to watch your kids grow up . True is a Freshman now, what Loughlin was when he died.The panic is back again . What if it happens again?

Where to go from here?

I have been on a journey for what seems like an eternity but in fact it has been almost 3 years. This journey should have been so much shorter and could have been had the roadblocks been fewer, but time and time again I would run into a block, then I would detour and then a tree would fall in the road, so I would take a less traveled road that was much rougher, then a tire would blow out  and no one was out there but me. I carried no jack or spare with me for I thought it was only going to be a short drive. I wasn't prepared for this trip then only to get to a place, I dare say, I don't want to go anymore. It isn't in me and I am so tired of traveling this road. How many times did I stop and ask for directions? I was always told half truths or out and out lies. I was told someone would be there to check on me. I was told along these roads, at the mile markers, I would have help but there was none, no coverage on my phone. All of this coinciding with this grief and trauma that to most would be hard enough. I haven't reached this destination but I can see ahead and now I finally have realized it isn't what I want, nor what I want for my kids.
All of this and 3 weeks straight of a horrible headache. It's hard to see any light in the distance.Confused and Exhausted I really need a vacation to my favorite place on Earth. I think the Oregon Coast can lift my spirit.

Feeling Life

Since Loughlin's birthday my soul has felt, at first, this overwhelming crushing feeling that exhausted me every moment of the day. I felt hopeless. Nothing spectacular happened to bring me out of my stupor. It was a gradual upswing. Slowly every day I started to see a little light. I started to feel this love for my family that I hadn't felt for what seemed forever.( I think I probably ought to explain as there are some of you out there that take my writings out of context and use them to judge me, treat me how you think is correct). I have been hurt throughout my life and I developed a defense mechanism that had me pulling myself away from loved ones and building walls made out of concrete, so tall as to make Germany envious. That was my way of self-protection. After losing Loughlin I began that process again and I think it has taken 4 years and a very large sledgehammer to see some light.
Some helpful things are that ones that surround me are understanding my process with God, the church. They understand my feelings and the destructive behavior of those in charge. They see that I have tried and yet it is like dealing with rocks. I feel God's love some days. I feel it in the smile of a child, in the warmth of a baby. I feel it when my lil' Lea says Mom, I love you, when True comes off the football field and gives me the greatest hug a mom could get. I feel it when Giles tells me all about his day and wants always to sit by me and when Cyrus wants to talk, I really mean talk about school and friends and my favorite, politics. I feel it when Maya lays her head on my shoulder, knowing I will always be there for her. I feel it most when Harlen looks in my eyes and tells me how beautiful I am and that he loves me. The place I do not feel God is in church when speakers talk about the "little" things they do wrong everyday and how they need Christ to help them with the "small" wrong choices they make. I do not feel God when people speak of non-Mormons and their need to feel the spirit. They must.I don't feel God when I am shunned and when it is said I am not ready when I clearly never said that, but I am so glad it happened this way. I am glad I was given more time to decide my fate. The fate I was following is not the fate I wanted. So maybe God is watching out for me.

Miss Maya Broke her Arm

What a bummer. Maya tripped over a bucket feeding the pigs last Friday and broke her arm but her terrible mom waited 4 days to take her to the doctor. She is a lot tougher than I ever knew. We don't have a cast on yet because it is still to swollen. Good news at least for me not making me feel to guilty they kept her in the same brace I bought her and told me that is all they would have done, well they wanted iced a little more. On the upside I am glad it isn't any worse.

Loughlin's Birthday

Today is Loughlin's 19th birthday. I have been having a real hard time with this one. It is the one, the one when he would have been moving on, mission, college, marriage. Instead we have a night at Red Lobster with the family but before that we have things, complications that show up, spoil what is left of a crappy celebration and to tell you the truth I am too tired to do this anymore. It doesn't seem to be worth it. Life is beyond cruel and if not for my babies here, I would lay down and give up. I love you Loughlin. I have loved you from the moment I knew you were there. I never cared once about the morning sickness knowing you would be the result. I marveled at every achievement you made. You were always smarter than your years, so kind even though those around you were not. You still make me pause when I think of your love for your siblings. You were and always will be my inspiration.

RE-Read and Miracles

I went back in my blog and read for a few minutes. One thing is certain, the same feelings and the anger and the sorrow swirl round and round and really it doesn't seem to get any better, any easier. I feel sort of depressed over it all. It makes me worried. How long can I keep going like this without some sort of reprieve?

I ended up at the hospital yesterday where they took my kids after the accident. I have only been there once since that week. It was like walking on the moon with no oxygen. I couldn't breath there but I stayed and I finally got to visit my friend yesterday who has a TBI. She looked wonderful to my eyes and my heart. I am so happy her and her family got their miracle. I am jealous but hell what are you going to do. I need to get used to the idea that I have no control and it is what it is. But for Kellie's family, I love you guys. You have been such an important part of True's life, my life, our life. We love you and hope the recovery keeps moving a long the way it should, the way you need.

What is wrong with me?

What is wrong with me? When I am home I want to be somewhere else and when I am somewhere else, anywhere else I want to be home. At times I am so attached to my kids that I think I might liquefy with the love I feel for them and then it gets to be too much and I want to hide in my closet, where no one can see me. Then there are times when I am strong and I will do anything to protect my babies, then just a few minutes later I feel as if just one more thing might make me crumble to the ground like a cracked foundation.

I might need a vacation soon, fast,  but it is harvest season and football season and volleyball season and last but not least it is time to start hip hopping.......

Mama said there'd be days like these

Funny how some days nothing goes right. Today is that day. Nothing huge but so much that I am heading to bed early. Just more evidence you can't save your kids from what they must face alone. You can't fight their battles all of the time. You can't protect them from all wrongs or convince those around them that this is an incredible child that stands before them.  When your babies look at you with those eyes that say make this better mom and you can't. You just can't! I am praying tonight, not for things to go the way I want but for my kids to be strong enough to withstand..I have learned that things hardly ever go your way, not in this family. We are built to be strong and the tests come early!

Some days you can't even convince your builder that he is wrong and you are not spending the next 50 years hating those windows because he won't take the time to figure out how he can make them fit. So he builds them his way and you cry and cry. Then you get mad and call your protector who comes home and says tear them down and do them the way my wife wants. Love that guy!!!

Venting

I think I have explained before that this blog is my way of getting my thoughts out of my head, on the screen and for the most part it aids me in having those angry or jealous feelings or questions that linger in my brain worked out, answered and healed. I am sorry if sometimes I seem harsh. I don't mean to be.

 I have always been one to call a duck a duck even when it's me, quack, quack. I know when my thoughts are not healthy. On the upside I have to say that once they are on the screen they are usually gone from my heart. So if I have hurt anyone out there in bloggerspace, I am sorry but this blog is a selfish setup for me to heal. I am a long way in this journey but I know I have a long way to travel. My life is kind of like the road I travel every day in fact 4 or 5 times a day, where I drive by the place where I hit the truck and our life of hell began to 3 miles down the road where I pass Loughlin's headstone. Like that road there are reminders everyday, many times a day of what is missing in my life.
 Like today as I stopped at the grave and wondered what I could put on it it so it didn't look shabby (like it does because the decorations are faded) but as I left the grave I felt sorry for myself again. 

Notice his nametag!

I thought that I should be buying missionary clothes for Lough not decorations. I can hear the negative whispers in my head saying it has been 4 years. It is reality. Get over it. The whispers make me angry and sad. My reality makes me angry and sad. There he is 7 ft under, so close but I can never talk to him or hold him again. How will I ever make it through? I miss and love you so very much Lough.






And to that one gal, who I believe is mad at me. I love you. You have always been there for me and even through this I know you  would do anything for me. So if I made you angry I am truly sorry.

I am just tired

I am just really tired. Tired of hurting and missing. Tired of forcing myself to church and activities. Tired of the weight in my chest and my heart. Tired of wondering what if, or asking why. I just thought the other day when is this going to get better, feel different?
After leaving a fireside last night at the Stake Center about the open house at the temple here in Boise, my mind was moving at Ferrari speeds. You know the last time I went to the temple it was scary. It was a completely horrifying experience where I could not get any breath and the darkness was all around. I had to be helped through the session. I felt like dying. The memories came back in vivid detail last night and then the talk of eternal families put my heart on alert. Forever families is a cute little phrase for most people, for me it is the final kicker, but for the most point I really don't understand it. I tend to over think most things in life and I know I completely over think this. First are we suppose to believe that if their are forever families, are the LDS the only ones that will enjoy this? Second if we are with our family and our kids are with their families and so on and so forth, really you will just be with your husbands, the kids will have no bearing. I don't understand the what's so great of it all.
Aanother question that came up in my mind last night is who has the Holy Ghost. Are Mormons the only ones with the Holy Ghost? I have never believed that but was being led that way in the talk. I know we are the only ones with the gift of the Holy Ghost as a constant companion but others have it right????

These are thoughts for about 15 min in my mind and it swirls and swirls with no answers, so today I have one of those headaches that covers the entire skull, pressure, like I am at some point going to explode.

Dressed to KILL

"Judge not", "Don't judge a book by it's cover","It's not what's on the outside that matters but what is on the inside"!"When we judge others we leave no room to love them."Mother Teresa. "Judge not on appearance"




I was unpleasantly surprised last night when I had to keep telling my daughter that outside appearances do not count as she was listening to someone tell her her over and over that it does. There are things in life so much more important than being dressed to kill day in and day out. I remember a talk once given in General Conference about an apostle riding home on the subway one day and a father and his unruly unkempt children rode next to him. People were talking about them being so bad. The father then said forgive my children for we just came from the hospital where their mom had just passed away. I think judging people by their outside appearance is so very dangerous. That women in sweats at Walmart might have just ran to pick up a prescription for their child who has been sick for weeks. She might have had no sleep. She might not have money to buy clothes any better than that. She might have dragged herself out of bed to buy groceries for her family even though every inch of her begged her not to go. I have been there and if I cared what you thought I would be angry for myself but I am just angry that you put such nonsense in young minds.How do you know who these women are?What they have been through? How much it takes to keep them going in this life? Seems such a petty thing to judge someone on. High yellow heels just don't work for some. So Maya remember it is always what is on the inside that matters!!! Love you so much

I Assure you, nothing has been easy about this journey.

I have heard so many comments through the last 4 years of my life. Some of those comments I can just let roll off my back. I am sure some days I have a slicker back than others, some days my skin has transformed into some sort of Velcro and even the smallest slight my way holds my anger and angst for some time. I don't really know where this comment has landed. I would say if I came from the south that it has stuck in my craw.
I will explain a bit of where I am at in this life. I attend church most Sundays. The only time I miss is when we are traveling or I am sick or kids are sick. I go for the purpose of finding some sort of faith in this life. I go searching for answers but for the most part I come away disappointed. I am not as good at hearing the message and leaving the people behind as I use to be. I am honest and will tell you it is because I feel sorry for myself. I feel like I got the shit in this life and then I have people in the church standing around watching, judging, believing they would have handled my life better than me. Maybe they would have but they were never given this opportunity to show their strengths. (STRONG SARCASM ADDED)

Yesterday in church I listened as a young mother spouted how losing your faith is the easy way in this life. How trials are given to everyone. I will assure you losing your faith is not easy. Thinking that your two children are lying lifeless in a cold grave because of you inadequacies is surely not easy. This gal has hurt others I love very much with her snide and judgmental comments. I have known her for some 15 years. If she has had trials I have missed them. Life has paved a golden brick road for her. Sometimes I wish I had the power to make them feel the pain of losing 1 or even 2 children, or having a child who is challenged or maybe 2 that are challenged, having a child in the fight of their life for more than a year. I don't want them to actually have it happen for I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy but they should just have to feel it for a day. If I hear one more time in church that everyone is given their share of trials I will perhaps blow cookies all around. Anyone with eyes knows this is not true. Unless of course some have their share which is more than most could handle and others have their share in which a 4 year old could walk through with a lollipop in their mouth. I am getting stronger and I soon will correct every ill witted response from such craziness. I am so tired of the asinine in the church. So do you who's name will not be mentioned, did you have the same trials as Joseph Smith????? Of course not but you go on living in your world of pink clouds and purple waterfalls. And then why are these the women put in leadership positions?

First day of school and I still couldn't make myself take a picture. I know I am not being good to my other kids but I just can't do it still. How can it be called a family picture when not all of the family is here??? The house is so very quiet and I miss everyone of them.

My Heavy Heart

I come here today with such a heavy heart. One of my good friends has had an accident on a horse and is fighting for her life. When we changed schools I didn't get to see her as often and I always missed her smiles and her confidence building statements like, "Who gives a crap what they think?" I always felt like she was on my side. She never once judged me and I never took the time to tell her THANKS. When Harlen and I were struggling after losing Loughlin, she would always say, "Anytime you are ready, Mark and I want to go out to dinner." She was always filled with kindness in her heart. She is a kindred spirit. There are few who tell you the truth no matter what. She was like that. True is good friends with her son and just yesterday he decided to go back to Nyssa, not because of this but because it is time.

Thursday when I took Cyrus in to sign up for school in Nyssa they gave me a copy of the 2012 yearbook. The young people in that class just keep amazing me and amazing me. They took the first two pages of the yearbook and plastered them with pictures of Loughlin, two pages. They also dedicated the book to him. I love his graduating class, incredible souls. One of his friends even mentioned him in her Appreciations. I should of stopped reading there but I read on and on and on. I found myself green with envy at all the things they had done and we had missed. Oh I miss him so much. His possibilities were endless.

They wrote this in the yearbook......
"Throughout the years we have saved many cherished memories of you in these hallways and class rooms. Now the time has come where we must leave behind high school, receive our diplomas, and go our separate ways. Although there is one thing that will never change, Loughlin you will always be with us in our hearts."

Once again Thanks Class of 2012

Long , productive week

Last fair together

Last week was our county fair. We show steers each year and it seems so drawn out and hard to get through since Lough left us. This year my older boys stepped up. They were incredible. They did everything they were asked without complaining once, well maybe once for a short second. They helped Maya and Giles. They taught them what they needed to do to show their animals. In fact so much so, Maya and Giles won reserve Grand Champion Junior and Novice showman respectively. Maya had hated showing steers until that moment and Cyrus was a huge part of this new found love. We sold the animals yesterday and the kids made good money for their college years. Cyrus is going to need it. He has decided on the  "U" and out of state tuition is atrocious for the first year until he has residency.



 I am exhausted. Everyone is exhausted. The problem is when I am exhausted I dream and remember those dreams. Early this morning I dreamed of Lough. I dreamed he had been kidnapped instead of killed. I dreamed we found him. He was younger but he was back. He was crying to be in my arms and I was holding him so tight, never wanting to let him go. All the happiness I had felt last week was diminished in a moment. Can I stay in bed all day and hope the dream comes back? Can I hope for just a few more moments of holding him, his smile, his laugh, his wanting to stay with his mom. He would have showed for the last time this year. His memory seemed to lurk in every corner of the fair. One of his good friends was there with steers this year. When I saw him it made me long for Loughlin. I know in my heart he would have grown to be a great man. He always was a great young man. Oh how I miss him this morning, every morning.

Our Life for now

Cyrus came through with flying colors. He is home and doing well. He is in some pain but can walk on his legs. He is beyond tough and brave.

The house is going up fast and I mean fast. The roof might be going on today. WOW. We walk out every night after the workers leave to see what was done and it is so exciting. My front windows in the great room and my room are so cool and the view is something money can't buy.

True started football and has been a big help with the steers this year. Maya is loving YW. Giles wants friends over everyday and Lea is wild as ever. She will be getting baptized in September because of the fact fair and the august baptism bumped up against each other.

Harlen is busy farming and I have held it together for a while now, but who knows I hear there is rain on the horizon today. I just miss my boy everyday and every moment. The guilt is slowing except when surgeries happen because of the accident, or papers come in the mail, or just sometimes when I drive the road I am forced to drive so many times a day.

As we speak

Right now I am sitting at the hospital waiting for Cyrus to finish his surgery. Harlen had a meeting and I am a basketcase. He was suppose to be out 30 minutes a go. I know it is just his legs and it is just hardware but I hate having my kids under someone else's care. I hate questions over an accident I feel so responsible for. I hate more pain handed out to my innocent kids all because of my inadequacies. I hate hospitals and I love my kids more than life itself. All of these things add up to a very high anxiety rate for me. Please send a blessing our way.

No Rest for the Weary

The summer is flying by at the speed of light. We have been so busy there really hasn't been any relaxation. I have been pushing myself to keep going on all the things we need to do but I am beyond overwhelmed. Every night at about 9, I try to hold back the tears. It feels as if a summer storm engulfs my body and I cannot withstand the force. I am exhausted. I need a break from it all, by myself, just for a moment.

But most of all I still just want to know WHY?????

Plates & Screws

Yesterday was Cy's pre-op appointment to get his hardware out of his legs. Over 3 1/2 years with all this metal strengthening his once crushed legs. On Saturday I was up to Harlen's mom's house talking to her and her husband and the accident came up. Fred told me that when they took the blankets back into the ambulance workers, they asked how Cyrus was doing after they amputated his legs. They said he had them both and he was doing pretty good. They were amazed. I never knew that. I never knew really how long Cyrus was trapped in the car with Loughlin just laying there so close. I am sure it felt like an eternity to him. He was awake through it all. He is the strongest young man I know. We had to go through the accident story 3 times yesterday and after all of it, I felt once again like I had been through a 13 round bout . I was sore and tired. I will be glad when this chapter of our lives is finished and we can begin to move forward. It feels sometimes like it will never be finished.

The rest of the time  spent trying to pick out doors and other stuff for the new build on. I feel so unsure of myself. I was really never like this. I don't like it. I want the strong me back. Doors, tubs, windows, siding......should be easy but nothing is easy for my once cognitive brain.

Everyday 'ErDay'

Today I have come to realize that everyday for the rest of my life I will miss Loughlin. He was such an important part of our life, he was integrated in every aspect of our lives that there is no other way but to miss him and long for him. Today we are trimming steers and yesterday we returned home from Harlen's family reunion and just before that we traveled to Utah to take True to the Y's football camp.  I wonder sometimes how I make it through, and other times I don't make it through. I just find a quiet place where no one will judge me and I cry and I cry and I ask the why question and I get angry and I throw things and I ache in every part of my body and I know it isn't right but I just wonder if there is really a God why Loughlin. Look around, he wouldn't have wasted his life he would have cherished every day. But here we are so every mile in the car, and every campout and fishing trip, every trip to the 'Y' and wedding and new baby and the first born son events around me make me nauseated. I feel so cheated. I don't want to feel like this. Rhiannon would be 24 wow. I could be a grandma. Would that soften the blow??? Why wonder though? She is gone too. There is no softening this sadness. Harlen's family play games all of the time until all hours of the night. Loughlin loved it so much. He was always the first and the last man there. Every day makes me miss him more.

I love you Lough. I don't know if you are somewhere right now I hope so. I hope soo much there is something more, more than this life. I know the word fair is so over used but this is so not fair. If this is all there is.........

No way around it.....

Have you ever felt like, for the majority of your life, you are something that you don't want to be? You are a person that the world looks down upon. You are that person because of choices you made and acts made against you. All of these things formed your spirit and no matter what you do or how hard you pray or change your life or try to help others, you will always be that. I have tried to run away from it my whole life, the label, the knowledge, the disgrace but you can't. There is always someone there to remind you, and they don't care what you have been through. You are what you are.
And there really is no other way around it, so I will learn to live with it. I will strive to make the lives of those around me nothing like mine was. I will try to teach that with those choices only comes misery. I can cry poor pitiful me. I can walk around with my head down because of the shame. My spirit has always been a fighter but I am done fighting.
I even look at my life and think, Wow God really wants to punish her. My soul is so raw, bruised, bleeding. Why should I have any peace? I look forward to the day when all is dark and I am at rest.

Life is moving on with or without me

I have talked so many times about the difficulty of moving on but keeping one foot behind in the life that I loved. Well big things are happening in our family right now, and I believe I have no way of living in the past. All the kids are growing up around me and I feel as though the past 3 years were a blur. For instance, Cyrus will be a senior this year. Next year he will be leaving for college. This is it. This is the last year he will be constantly in our family. He is utilized in so many ways here, I don't know how we will function without him. True, well True is now 14. He is close if not over 6ft tall. He no longer looks like a kid. He is growing up so fast in front of me and I just want to make time stop and let me enjoy these years longer. Maya is 12 and left for girls camp on Tuesday. She has never been away from home for more than one night. I had to just drop her off Tuesday morning fast because I knew I was going to cry and so was she. Giles and Lea are 10 and 8. Giles thinks about paintballing and airsoft gunning constantly. Lea is so hyper that taking her to town is a chore.Where has the time gone?

The biggest news of all is that we are building on to our house. The foundation is poured, so there is no turning back. We are building on more sq footage than we are in right now. I am excited. It will be a new corner we have turned in this complicated life, a new outlook, but most of all more room. We have been squished, smashed, squashed into , as a friend once called it, a crackerbox on the hill, one bathroom, 3 rooms and most of the time 8 of us. About 10 years ago we put in the most wonderful kitchen, so I have been spoiled with the comforts of more cupboards than I still have in use years later. The color is going to be a complete surprise until it is done, but it will be spectacular.

As far as my faith. It comes and goes like the wind in Malheur County. I cherish the times when I feel the spirit. It is so much better. The peace it allows in my soul is miraculous. But other times I still feel that this is it, that there is nothing else beyond this life and the darkness overwhelms. I ended his life and now what? I cry out for God to save me from this agony. There are times when the anguish is fleeting and other times when it lasts for weeks. I know a few things for certain. I gave birth to this wonderful boy, who was giving and loving, handsome and smart and then he was ripped from our family. There is no amount of time that will fill the deep crater this has left in our life. Sometimes I am able to turn my back for a moment from this atrocity.  It doesn't help when those closest to you think you are a failure at this terrible emotion called grief. I really am doing my best. I am so tired of putting on this happy face when inside I am dying but that is what I continue to do, and that is what I will do forever. However long forever will be.

You don't deserve it

Because of the choices you have made, you don't deserve to be treated well.

But then on the other hand, I felt the spirit the other day. It hit me like a lightning bolt. It was short lived but it had been so long. I knew for a moment that Loughlin was still here, not here but here in my heart and God lives.

Isolated

Have you ever felt fear? Not fear from physical injury but just panic from being told those things you already know.

 If I was to describe myself as an edifice, I would draw you an image of a very old farm house. I have been told I have an old soul. The house would be one that has the shingles and shutters hanging on by one nail. It would be painted a happy color of yellow but now the color so faded as to look like a dingy white. The cobwebs hanging over the covered porch that is missing a few planks and if you are not careful you might find yourself with one foot left behind as you walk. I would talk about the yard that is nothing but weeds and dirt, dying flowers from inattention. The windows are so hard to see through because of the dust and grime that has accumulated over the years. People stop by but leave when they see the house in such disarray and in such shambles. Even ones who knew this house in its better days turn away.
         ......Yet if they would only take a moment to see inside they would know that a candle still shimmers in the darkness. The pictures are still in their frames from happier years. You might find a hot cooked meal on the table. Sometimes laughter could even be heard. You would have to be close to know these things and yet they stay away.
Some try to tear it down. They throw rocks at the windows and say how ugly it is. It is hard to stay standing when the foundation is being chipped away. When termites eat away at the very existence of this once beautiful house. When it falls no one will even notice. Why would they care about a broken down eye sore on the community. I would like to move this house back home but I don't really know where home is. It is not here.

To be Enjoyed not only Endured

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Oh let me just say
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH
And then again
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH

Someone contact me on a way that this could be possible because it seems for me when one tide subsides another comes crashing down. Enduring is a feat, all of its own.

Graduation Day

The house is quiet still. I spent my first hour of today with my head face down in my pillow thinking, remembering, worrying. I was thinking how this life has really never been fair. I use that phrase in my writing often, but where did this thinking come from. I think back on my life. I made many wrong decisions but I don't think from where I came from, my knowledge, any more bad decisions than my counterparts. My brother he made a lot of crazy choices in life and the problem
with crazy choices is that with each one, it is harder to find your way back to the sane. He is now in the fight for his life, for his son's life. I know him well. I know the intentions of his heart and they have always been to help others. He is this big gruff man with the softest heart I know. I love him so very much. Others certainly have made these choices without this sentence in life. For me, losing a daughter at the early age of 18 formed my life to come. It made me a hands on mom. It made me a mom that stands up for what is right and true for my kids at any cost, and sometimes that cost is high. Losing Loughlin after already losing Rhiannon could be said to be one of the most unfair circumstances to place on a mom that there is. Yet here we are talking about a graduation day in which my son never made it to. Why? I have heard from others that he was needed more in heaven. Sure he was a great son, incredible. Why wouldn't he have been needed more on an Earth that is toiling in sin and disbelief than in a place where knowledge is abundant and God is present. I find it a way that others use to ease their sorrow, their fears of their own mortality. All I know is that none of those thought help with a mom that misses her son today as I did 3 1/2 years ago. I am angry and bitter. He touched so many lives but think what he could have done in a lifetime on this Earth. This place is better because he lived but he could have lived another 80 years. (that is my Icelandic heritage that made that amount of years possible) It is also my Icelandic heritage that makes me strong, it makes me want to keep those around me safe. But even with all my effort they were not safe. I am not chosen. I am forgotten ans my family is forgotten by that Heavenly Being supposedly in charge of our lives. As far as the world being fair. Really nothing is fair in life. We come up with this thinking on our own, maybe as a dire request for things around us to make sense.

The remembering this morning is painful. It seems that when I remember I ache. I ache for what will never be. I had to get True a baby picture for his 8th grade graduation. I am not organized and all my pictures are in totes waiting to be placed in books. I found so many more pictures of Loughlin. Loughlin holding True as he held him in real life. I watch True and the anger is not hidden but on the edge all the time waiting to be released. Cyrus at home last night instead with all the friends he has. Harlen, so close to his son. They were, wow, almost one, his firstborn, the one that always called his dad, his hero. The love so strong. God cared so much for his firstborn. Are we not made in his likeness? He was angry. He darkened the Earth, quakes and other catastrophes. But us we are suppose to take this with a smile on our face. Are we asked to be stronger than God? Christ was even coming back to His throne on high. Where does this thinking come from?

And now I worry. I worry because of choices that are being thrust upon us once again for standing up for what is right in a world that cares not what is correct but what looks best. I have a hard time backing down when the world around us overlooks the wrongs. My heels dig in. My rebellion grows. I am ready for the fight once again in my mind but the soul tires. I am tired.