Graduation Day

The house is quiet still. I spent my first hour of today with my head face down in my pillow thinking, remembering, worrying. I was thinking how this life has really never been fair. I use that phrase in my writing often, but where did this thinking come from. I think back on my life. I made many wrong decisions but I don't think from where I came from, my knowledge, any more bad decisions than my counterparts. My brother he made a lot of crazy choices in life and the problem
with crazy choices is that with each one, it is harder to find your way back to the sane. He is now in the fight for his life, for his son's life. I know him well. I know the intentions of his heart and they have always been to help others. He is this big gruff man with the softest heart I know. I love him so very much. Others certainly have made these choices without this sentence in life. For me, losing a daughter at the early age of 18 formed my life to come. It made me a hands on mom. It made me a mom that stands up for what is right and true for my kids at any cost, and sometimes that cost is high. Losing Loughlin after already losing Rhiannon could be said to be one of the most unfair circumstances to place on a mom that there is. Yet here we are talking about a graduation day in which my son never made it to. Why? I have heard from others that he was needed more in heaven. Sure he was a great son, incredible. Why wouldn't he have been needed more on an Earth that is toiling in sin and disbelief than in a place where knowledge is abundant and God is present. I find it a way that others use to ease their sorrow, their fears of their own mortality. All I know is that none of those thought help with a mom that misses her son today as I did 3 1/2 years ago. I am angry and bitter. He touched so many lives but think what he could have done in a lifetime on this Earth. This place is better because he lived but he could have lived another 80 years. (that is my Icelandic heritage that made that amount of years possible) It is also my Icelandic heritage that makes me strong, it makes me want to keep those around me safe. But even with all my effort they were not safe. I am not chosen. I am forgotten ans my family is forgotten by that Heavenly Being supposedly in charge of our lives. As far as the world being fair. Really nothing is fair in life. We come up with this thinking on our own, maybe as a dire request for things around us to make sense.

The remembering this morning is painful. It seems that when I remember I ache. I ache for what will never be. I had to get True a baby picture for his 8th grade graduation. I am not organized and all my pictures are in totes waiting to be placed in books. I found so many more pictures of Loughlin. Loughlin holding True as he held him in real life. I watch True and the anger is not hidden but on the edge all the time waiting to be released. Cyrus at home last night instead with all the friends he has. Harlen, so close to his son. They were, wow, almost one, his firstborn, the one that always called his dad, his hero. The love so strong. God cared so much for his firstborn. Are we not made in his likeness? He was angry. He darkened the Earth, quakes and other catastrophes. But us we are suppose to take this with a smile on our face. Are we asked to be stronger than God? Christ was even coming back to His throne on high. Where does this thinking come from?

And now I worry. I worry because of choices that are being thrust upon us once again for standing up for what is right in a world that cares not what is correct but what looks best. I have a hard time backing down when the world around us overlooks the wrongs. My heels dig in. My rebellion grows. I am ready for the fight once again in my mind but the soul tires. I am tired.